Halloween

Halloween Jokes

From [email protected] Sat Oct 26 19:19:01 1996
From: [email protected] (Nancy Carson)
Subject: HALLOWEEN
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Date: 26 Oct 1996 19:37:55 GMT

What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.

Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in.

When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams.

What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A holy terror.

Why do witches think they're funny?
Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.

How do mummies hide?
They wear masking tape.

What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch.

Who has a broom and flies?
A jelly-covered janitor.

What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
Five after one.

Why don't skeletons like parties?
They have no body to dance with.

What did the bat say to the witch's hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.

What if you crossed a rabbit with a wolf?
You'd get a harewolf.

What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier?
You hear the broom boom.

What goes "Oob, oob!"
A witch in reverse.

How do you make a milkshake?
You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"

What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
She flies off the handle.

Who flies on a broom and carries a medicine bag?
A witch doctor.

Why do demons hang out with ghouls?
Because demons are a ghouls best friend.

Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
It was his bat.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
Put your boos and shocks on.

Mother vampire to son:
Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it clots.

Mommy, Mommy, the kids all call me a werewolf.
Never mind, dear, now go and comb your face.

From [email protected] Sun Nov 3 02:53:58 1996
From: [email protected] (Susan J. Weiand)
Subject: Trick or Treat?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Date: Fri, 1 Nov 96 3:20:04 EST

THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex...
1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT,YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!

From [email protected] Fri Oct 29 23:06:53 1999
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Halloween Humor 8
Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 21:14:43 +0100

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a cow?
A hamburger that bites back!

What does a vampire say when he thinks he's in trouble?
"I have a bat feeling about this."

What did the teacher ghost say to his boo-ology students after they all
earned A's?
Well done class! You did a spooktacular job!

Why don't ghosts like to go out in the rain?
Because it dampens their spirits!

What is a vampire's favorite breed of dog?
Bloodhound!!!

Where did they put Dracula when he was arrested?
Into a blood cell!

What do vampires enjoy most about baseball?
The bats (and the double-headers)

What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?
Boo Boos

Why did the ghost go into the bar?
For the boos.

What happened to the vampire who tried to gain weight by eating more?
It didn't work... it was all in vein.

How can you spot a vampire jockey?
They always win by a neck!

What is the favorite drink of overweight vampires?
"Blood Lite"

Where can you see a real ugly monster?
In the mirror.

Why do witches fly on brooms?
Because vacuum cleaners are too expensive!

Who is the Mummy's favorite actor?
Robert Deadford!

What did the skeleton say after he fell into the pond?
"I'm soaked to the bone"!

Why did the doctor tell the zombie to get some rest?
He was dead on his feet.

Why aren't vampires good gamblers?
They always make "sucker bets"!

What games do little ghosts like to play?
1. Corpse and robbers 2. Peek-a-boo! 3. Hide & ghost seek

Where do ghosts keep their cars?
In a mirage.

Why didn't Dracula ever get married?
He just never found the right ghoul!!!

From [email protected] Fri Oct 29 23:06:58 1999
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Halloween Humor 6
Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 21:12:10 +0100

Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in.

Why do witches think they're funny?
Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.

Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights.

Where do ghosts like to go swimming?
Lake Eerie?

Why do mummies go to school?
To get a deaducation

Why did the tiny ghost join the football squad?
He had heard that they needed a little team spirit!

What's a monster's favorite song?
"Ghouls Just Want To Have Fun."

Why don't skeletons like to eat spicy food?
They can't stomach it!

What do you call someone who puts poison in people's corn flakes?
A cereal killer!

Why do Casper's phone bills tend to be so high each month?
He is always calling ghost-to-ghost.

What does a cow say to scare away a ghost?
"Moo!!"

What is Shakespeare's ghost's favorite saying?
"To boo or not to boo...that is the question".

What kind of candy won't a ghost ever touch?
Lifesavers

What do you get if you cross a monster with an owl?
An animal that frightens people but doesn't give a hoot!

What do call two witches who live together?
"Broom Mates"!

What is a vampire's favorite sport?
Casket Ball!!!

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people"?

How big was Dr. Frankenstein's castle?
"Monstrous"!

What is a ghoul's favorite fast food meal?
A handburger!

What is a ghost's favorite type of pasta?
Spookgetti!!!

From [email protected] Fri Oct 29 23:07:21 1999
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: 25 reasons why you don't win the Halloween Costume contest
Date: Thu, 28 Oct 1999 21:19:07 +0100

THE TOP 25 REASONS YOU WON'T WIN THE HALLOWEEN COSTUME CONTEST

25. After your roommate insisted on being the front legs, you began to
suspect that a burrito dinner wasn't such a good idea.

24. Your "Ally McBeal" barfed in the judge's trick or treat bag.

23. The Nike swoosh -- while obscene to some -- is just not all that scary
emblazoned on a white sheet.

22. "Hey! Blue dress with a stain and a cigar! Why didn't I think of that??"

21. Somehow your Snoop Dog costume just didn't go over that big at the
Quayle house.

20. Your kindergarten students failed to see the humor in your
"Road Kill Barney" costume.

19. Unlike thousands of other Monica look-alikes, the semen on your dress
is not *really* the President's semen.

18. Although your "Internal Bus Architecture of the Intel Celeron Chip"
costume was a big hit with the other engineers at the office, things are
different out in the real world.

17. You can't get the zipper on your Bill Clinton costume to stay down.

16. In order to enter, you'd first have to log off the Internet -- and
pornography doesn't just read itself, now does it?

15. Looks like "Viagra Man" will be spending Halloween in jail for indecent
exposure.

14. Something in her eyes tells you there was an inherent flaw in your plan
of dressing up as the hostess's dead husband in order to get laid.

13. The Bride of Frankenstein had big, pointy hair and a small, round ass,
not the other way around.

12. 'Cause you should know that wearing a white sheet in Atlanta could only
lead to getting your ass whupped, Homeboy.

11. Your "Naked Linda Tripp" costume is actually more nauseating than scary.

10. Your "Yanni" costume got you beat up on the way to the party -- four times.

9. Your Dirk Diggler costume is merely embarrassing now that your "Diggler"
is stuck in the car door.

8. Your beret falls off every time you kneel.

7. Yellow Homer Simpson makeup? Check.
Can of Homer Simpson "Duff Beer"? Check.
Homer Simpson pants? DOH!!!!

6. No one can tell whether you came as Abe Vigoda or Marge Schott.

5. This year's guest judge, Elizabeth Dole, has apparently never even *heard*
of Marilyn Manson.

4. Much to your surprise, three other people came dressed as Nikola Tesla,
father of alternating current.

3. The judges wrongly interpreted your "Liposuction By-product" costume as a
"Bowl of Tapioca Pudding" costume.

2. The only song you knew to go with the costume was "Mammy," and the judges
at the NAACP party were not impressed.

1. *Nobody* likes a farting clown.

From [email protected] Fri Oct 29 23:07:40 1999
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Halloween Humor 2
Date: Tue, 26 Oct 1999 22:10:23 +0100

How do you make a witch faint?
Use a dizzy spell!

What do you call a mummy who eats cookies in bed?
A crumby mummy!

What do you call a 3000 year-old flower wrapped in cloth strips?
A chrysanthemummy!

What do you say to a 2-headed monster?
Hello, hello.

How can you tell that Doctor Victor Frankenstein had a good sense of humor?
Because he kept his monster in stitches.

How do mummies hide?
They wear masking tape.

Why was the mummy so tense?
Because he was all wound up!

How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.

What do you get when you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern and divide it by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi

Why was the jack-o-lantern afraid to cross the road?
It had no guts!

What are a vampire's favorite snacks?
Adam's apples and nectarines.

What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I'd like to get to gnaw you.

What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?
"You're under a vest!"

What did the bat say to the witch's hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
Put your boos and shocks on.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
"Don't spook until you're spooken to."

How do you make a milkshake?
You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"

How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
By blood vessels.

How do you make a witch scratch?
Take away her "W".

How does a monster count to 21?
On his fingers.

Why do vampires tend to make great artists?
They get lots of practice drawing blood.

What's a mummy's favorite music?
Ragtime.

What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
She flies off the handle.

Why didn't the witch get pregnant?
Because of all the Halloweeners.

From [email protected] Fri Nov 5 21:08:30 1999
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: [email protected] (the tree by the river)
Subject: A new term for the programmers' lexicon
Date: Thu, 4 Nov 1999 19:30:00 PST

Several years back, I coined a term in the genre of hardware, software,
vaporware, and so on...which I have had far more occasions to use since
than I would have liked:

Vampireware; n, a project capable of sucking the lifeblood out of anyone
unfortunate enough to be assigned to it which never actually
sees the light of day, but nonetheless refuses to die.

From gary Wed Nov 1 12:54:07 2000
Subject: A Day Late, So...If Anyone Is Missing Today ...
Date: Wed, 01 Nov 2000 09:00 -0500 (EST)

With Halloween upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to
help keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE!! Please use these helpful
hints this and every year.

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster,
NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they
should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in
the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so
be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

5. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

6. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt.
This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

7. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for
short-circuits; just get out.

8. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

9. If you find a town, which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason
for it. Don't stop and look around.

10. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know
what you're doing.

11. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes,
increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which
are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, and Nilbog
(you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where
chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

13. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the
nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is
strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot
yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

14. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns,
hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane
torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased
companions.

15. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to
move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous
inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible
fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.

16. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house,
women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a
candle.

17. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.

18. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise
and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HECK OUT!

From [email protected] Sat Nov 1 21:38:09 1997
Subject: The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Date: Thu, 30 Oct 1997 09:08:51 GMT

The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires

15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
11. Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling,
"Look Ma! It's Elvis!"
10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean,
uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
9. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
8. No bat is safe with Ozzy Osbourne around.
7. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are
suddenly off-limits.
6. No warm blood for miles around DC.
5. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."
2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.

From [email protected] Sat Nov 1 21:38:53 1997
Subject: Happy Halloween: Ghost Jokes
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Date: Thu, 30 Oct 1997 09:07:58 GMT

Q. Why did the baby ghost go to the doctor before halloween?
A. To get a BOOster shot.

Q. What kind of ghost haunts a hen house?
A. A poultry-geist.

Q. Why do ghosts go to baseball games?
A. Because they like to boo the umpire.

Q. What do you say to a ghost with three heads?
A. Hello, hello, hello.

Q. What did the baby ghost eat for dinner?
A. A boo-loney sandwich.

Q. What tops off a ghost's sundae?
A. Whipped Scream

Q. Where do little ghosts learn to yell "BOO!"?
A. In noisery school.

Q. What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A. A dead end.

Q. How do ghosts fly from one place to another?
A. By scareplane.

Q. What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?
A. Fasten your sheet belt.

Q. What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog?
A. He's mist

Q. Where does a ghost refuel his Porsche?
A. At the ghastly station

From [email protected] Sat Nov 1 21:39:22 1997
Subject: Halloween Taglines
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Date: Thu, 30 Oct 1997 09:09:03 GMT

"Bother," said Pooh as he handed out Ex-Lax Halloween treats.

Halloween Movie Marathon: It's not over until the fat lady SCREAMS!!!!

"You gotta love this place. Every day's like Halloween." - Mulder

Arkansas canceled Halloween & Thanksgiving - Witch took Turkey to DC.

For Halloween I'm going as a tagline. How do you like my costume?

Give Stove Top instead of candy this Halloween... kids love it!

Practice wearing those heels *before* Halloween.

HALLOWEEN TAGLINE: Gimme all your goodies!

HALLOWEEN activates Oct 31st

"Halloween Activities" - by Bob N. Forapples

In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.

Halloween's over. Clinton removes mask and reveals BARNEY!

Halloween, a pagan holiday perpetuated by the American Dental Assoc.

Real programmers confuse Christmas & Halloween: DEC 25=OCT 31

Software containing a Halloween costume catalog: SCAREWARE.

Yo Mama's so ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.

Yo Mama's so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

Yo mama so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!

Yo mama so ugly people go as her for Halloween.

From [email protected] Sat Nov 1 21:42:46 1997
Subject: Halloween: Misc Jokes
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Date: Fri, 31 Oct 1997 08:16:11 GMT

Q. Who has a broom and flies?
A. A jelly-covered janitor.

Q. What's a ghoul's favorite breakfast cereal?
A. Rice Creepies.

Q. What instrument does a skeleton play?
A. A trombone.

Q. When does a skeleton laugh?
A. When something tickles his funny bone.

Q. Why didn't the skeleton dance at the Halloween party?
A. It had no body to dance with.

Q. Why was the zombie so grumpy?
A. She woke up too early in the mourning.

Q. What do birds give out on Halloween?
A. Tweets.

Q. What do little trees say on Halloween?
A. Twig or treat.

Q. What do goblins mail home while on vacation?
A. Ghostcards.

Q. What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he put his goldfish's brain in the body
of his dog?
A. I don't know, but it is great at chasing submarines.

Q. What's soft, moldy and flies?
A. A spoiled bat

From [email protected] Tue Oct 6 20:48:32 1998
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Halloween two-liners
Date: Sun, 4 Oct 1998 08:30:45 UNDEFINED

Do witches stay home on weekends?
No. They go away for a spell.

How can you tell that Doctor Victor Frankenstein had a good sense of humor?
Because he kept his monster in stitches.

How do mummies hide?
They wear masking tape.

How do you make a milkshake?
You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"

How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
By blood vessels.

How do you make a witch scratch?
Take away her "W".

How does a monster count to 21?
On his fingers.

How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.

Mommy, Mommy, the kids all call me a werewolf.
Never mind, dear, now go and comb your face.

Mother vampire to son:
Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it clots.

What do you get when you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern and
divide it by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi

What are a vampire's favorite snacks?
Adam's apples and nectarines.

What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I'd like to get to gnaw you.

What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?
"You're under a vest!"

What did the bat say to the witch's hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
Put your boos and shocks on.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
"Don't spook until you're spooken to."

What did the Mommy Vampire say to the Baby Vampire?
"You are driving me batty."

What do baseball players do on Halloween?
They practice pitchcraft.

What do ghouls order at McMonsters?
Handburgers.

What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.

What do you get when you bite a ghost
A mouth full of sheet.

What do you get if you cross Jesse James and Dracula?
A robbery at the blood bank.

What do you get if you cross a vampire bat and a mummy?
A flying band-aid, or a gift-wrapped bat.

What do you use to repair a Jack O' Lantern?
A pumpkin patch.

What do you say to a 2-headed monster?
Hello, hello.

What do you call a roomful of ghosts?
A bunch of boo-boos.

What do you give a vampire with a cold?
Coffin Drops!

What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A holy terror.

What goes "Oob, oob!"
A witch in reverse.

What happened to the witch who hooked her broom to a space shuttle?
She got spaced out.

What happened to the monster children who ate all their vegetables?
They gruesome.

What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home?
He had to give it back.

What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier?
You hear the broom boom.

What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
She flies off the handle.

What if you crossed a rabbit with a wolf?
You'd get a harewolf.

What is a zombie's favorite dessert?
Ladyfingers.

What is Dracula's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving!

What is a ghost's favorite food?
Boo-loney sandwich.

What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
An amoeboo!

What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A Bloodhound!

What kind of math did the monster student do best?
Scare root.

What should you say when you meet a ghost?
"How do you boo, sir? How do you boo?"

What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
Five after one.

What type of music do ghosts prefer?
Spirituals, of course.

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer.

What would you get if you crossed a wolf with a polyester jacket?
A wash-and-wearwolf.

What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch.

What's soft, moldy and flies?
A spoiled bat.

What's a mummy's favorite music?
Ragtime.

What's a ghoul's favorite game?
Hide-And-Go-Shriek!

What's a ghost's favorite breakfast?
Ghost toasties with booberries.

What's the best place for a mirror?
In a graveyard. It can double your mummy.

When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse.

When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams.

When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse.

When a witch lands, where does she park?
In a broom closet.

Where did they put Dracula when he was arrested?
In a red bloodcell!

Where does Count Dracula make his withdrawals?
At the blood bank.

Where do monsters go for sunset sails?
Lake Eee-rie

Where can you see a real ugly monster?
In the mirror.

Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
In a blood bank.

Where do you take a ghost who's backed into a lawn mower?
To a liquor store. That's where they retail spirits.

Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?
"Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."

Who has a broom and flies?
A jelly-covered janitor.

Why are so few ghosts arrested?
It's hard to pin anything on them.

Why did the monster salute his vegetable soup?
He looked in his bowl and saw a kernel of corn.

Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
It was his bat.

Why did the vampire quit the baseball team?
They would only let him be BAT boy!

Why did the monster eat the caboose?
The locomotive told him to "Choo, choo."

Why didn't Dracula get married?
He never met a nice Ghoul!

Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!

Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in.

Why do witches think they're funny?
Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.

Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights.

Why do demons hang out with ghouls?
Because demons are a ghouls best friend.

Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights.

Why do demons and ghouls always hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.

Why don't skeletons like parties?
They have no body to dance with.

Why don't skeletons ski?
They don't have the guts.

Why don't witches ever have babies?
Warlocks have hollow weenies.

From [email protected] Tue Oct 6 20:49:42 1998
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: scariest costumes in Washington
Date: Sun, 4 Oct 1998 08:45:59 UNDEFINED

SCARIEST COSTUMES IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

93-year-old Senator Strom Thurmond "dressed" as Tarzan wearing a Medicare badge.

A tobacco lobbyist dressed as a beggar ("There goes your campaign financing,
Congressman").

Al Gore Disco Fever costume.

Attorney General Janet Reno dressed as Charles Manson.

Evil British nanny.

Flaming Tofu Burrito from Hell on a Stick.

Guy who ate too much Olestra.

Hillary Clinton dressed as Madonna dressed as Evita.

Jacko-Lantern.

Janet Reno Little French Maid Outfit.

Marge Schott's less attractive, slightly more racist sister

Marv Albert, Warrior Princess.

Mighty Menstruatin' Power Ranger.

Pat Buchanan dressed as Detective Mark Fuhrman.

Positive Home Pregnancy Test.

President Jesse Helms.

Ralph Nader dressed as, well, Ralph Nader.

Redskins quarterback Gus Ferrotte dressed as Jack Kemp.

Representative Newt Gingrich dressed as Dr. Kevorkian.

Senator Ted "Chappaquiddick" Kennedy dressed as a taxi driver.

Vice President Al Gore dressed as Tipper Gore.

From [email protected] Tue Oct 6 20:49:51 1998
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: An Editor's Halloween costume
Date: Sun, 4 Oct 1998 08:48:58 UNDEFINED

An Editor's Halloween costume

At Halloween last year, I wanted to go to a party costumed as a dangling
participle, and I asked a friend to go with me as a copulative verb,
but she wouldn't.

From [email protected] Wed Jan 17 23:25:45 1990
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Cyclops jokes
From: [email protected] (Steven M. Boker)
Date: 15 Jan 90 17:49:27 GMT
Organization: Data Transforms, Denver, CO

Q: What do you call a set of cyclops siamese twins?
A: A bicyclops built for two.

Q: What do you call the fat cyclops that delivers presents on Christmas?
A: Santa Clops

Heard on Letterman, October 27, 2006:
Halloween is coming up. Last year I ran out of candy by seven. I had to pass out old Sucrets I found in the bathroom. After that I gave out Lipitor.
I remember Halloween. When I was a kid mom dressed me up six years in a row as a tramp. High heels, fishnets... it was bad.
I'm going to try something different this year. This year I'm handing out bags of spinach.

Heard on Jay Leno, October 30, 2006:
Tomorrow is Halloween. At Dick Cheney's house instead of giving kids candy, he waterboards them until they give up their candy.
In the United States it's called Halloween. In Mexico they have the Day of the Dead. This is when they honor the souls that have disappeared to L.A.
Have you seen these "fun size" packages of candy? Why does the candy get smaller and our kids keep getting fatter?
Kids are so fat these days. In fact one of the popular costumes this year is a Mini Cooper.
Tonight on TV you can find all kinds of scary movies: "Nightmare On Elm Street", "Texas Chainsaw Massacre". In Detroit they're just showing reruns of the World Series.

Heard on Jay Leno, October 31, 2006:
Today is Halloween -- or as American kids call it "Fat Tuesday!"
Beverly Hills is the worst place for trick-or-treating. It's a little different here. The kids email you pictures of them in costumes. Then they fax their candy list and you have it delivered by a messenger.
Michael Jackson calls trick-or-treating "room service".
A popular costume this year is to wrap yourself up in bandages. Not a mummy. But going at Dick Cheney's hunting buddy.
A kid came to my door with a beer and a cigarette in his mouth. I said who are you supposed to be? The kids replied, "I'm Britney Spears' baby."
Another popular costume this year is Kim Jung Il. It's easy because all the clothes are kid size already.
Halloween is the scariest day of the year -- unless you're a Republican, then it's next Tuesday.

Heard on Jay Leno, November 1, 2006:
I saw an interesting costume last night. I heard at the knock at the door and found a guy with a foot in his mouth. Turns out it was just John Kerry.
People are upset at a botched joke John Kerry said during one of his speeches. Kerry was stunned. "People listen to my speeches?"

Heard on Jay Leno, November 2, 2006:
Last night I answered the door and kid says, "Trick or treat!" I said, "Trick or treat? Aren't you a few days late?" Then he responded, "No, I'm dressed as a FEMA worker."

Heard on Leno, October 30, 2007:
Lot of candidates getting into the Halloween spirit. Today, John Edwards said he was going to get a $15 haircut and go as someone from the other America.
Even FEMA employees are celebrating Halloween. They're all getting dressed up as reporters this year.

Heard on Letterman, October 30, 2007:
Everyone excited about Halloween? Every year, they try to contact Houdini on Halloween. And I thought, "Wait a minute -- isn't that one of the good things about being dead, not having to take calls?"

Heard on Leno, October 31, 2007:
Happy Halloween, everyone. This is the day we teach our children, "Go ahead, take candy from strangers."
Dick Cheney had an awkward moment at the White House Halloween party. He went dressed as Darth Vader. And at the party he ran into the real Darth Vader who was dressed as Dick Cheney.

Top Ten Least Popular Halloween Candies, Letterman, October 31, 2007:
10. Bit-O-Monkey
9. Lice Krispie Treats
8. Good N' Clammy
7. Malted Meat Balls
6. Mullahmars
5. They-Might-Be-Raisinets
4. Al Gore's Melted Sno-Caps
3. No No. 3 -- writer out trick-or-treating
2. Mr. Goodbar Who Used To Be Mrs. Goodbar
1. Tootsie Roids

Heard on Conan, October 31, 2007:
It's Halloween, so this morning on the "Today" show, Matt Lauer dressed up as Hermann Munster and Al Roker dressed up as a scary vampire. Not only that -- Larry King went on his show without makeup.
This year Daylight Saving time has been extended. This will allow trick-or-treaters an extra hour for Halloween. Experts predict it will be this final hour that will separate the fat from the husky.

Heard on Ferguson, October 31, 2007:
Happy Halloween! Halloween is a time when people wear crazy outfits, scary makeup, and they do Satan's bidding ... as we call it here in LA, Wednesday.
Last year I went as a banana. People said I looked like an overripe fruit. And that was before I put on the costume.
Last year I went to west Hollywood party ... the guys there really dressed up. One guy was like Judy Garland and one tiny guy was dressed as Tom Cruise. To be fair, I think it was Tom Cruise.

Heard on Kimmel, October 31, 2007:
Britney Spears did a call-in to Ryan Seacrest's radio show this morning. Half-way through the interview, she was suddenly gone. Ryan asked her a question and there was no response. Her assistant said she went to take a shower. At least she's showering, we know that.
They called her back a little while later, and she didn't say much, but she did talk about her Halloween costume. She had a good idea. She's going to go wearing panties. So she will be totally unrecognizable.

Top Ten Signs You Are Watching A Bad Ghost Movie, Letterman, October 27, 2009:
10. Instead of ghosts, house haunted by goats
9. The only "Boo!" you hear is the audience yelling at the screen
8. Main characters spend bulk of movie in bed with swine flu
7. Directed by M. Night Shyamalan's brother, Larry Night Shyamalan
6. Ghost torments people by making delicious paella and not sharing it
5. Creature absent from film for 80 minutes while working on his laptop
4. Creepy sounds turn out to be improperly loaded dishwasher
3. Ghost haunts people for attention so it can get a reality show deal
2. Scariest thing is the size of the large soda they sell at the snack counter
1. Evil spirit does all of its haunting via Twitter

Heard on Conan, October 28, 2009:
One of the top-selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called "Barakula". Also very popular is the vampire version of former Vice President Dick Cheney called "Dick Cheney".

Heard on Kimmel, October 28, 2009:
Halloween is just days away. Halloween is not for me. Here in L.A., you take the kids trick-or-treating and you come home with a pumpkin full of Kabbalah bracelets and sushi.

Heard on Letterman, October 29, 2009:
Halloween is two days away. The kids love Halloween. They love to bob for apples. That's a short trip to swine flu, right there.
Bobbing for apples, or as Dick Cheney calls it, "appleboarding".

Heard on Fallon, October 25, 2010:
Halloween is almost here and everyone is getting their costumes ready. This past weekend, I saw the New York Yankees pretending to be the Mets.

Heard on Letterman, October 28, 2010:
Halloween is coming up. It's the scariest day of the year, aside from Election Day.

Top Ten Least Popular Halloween Candies, Letterman, October 28, 2010:
10. Bit-O-Monkey
9. Almondinejad
8. Spittles
7. Mr. Expiredbar
6. Butterfungus
5. Morton's Individually Wrapped Salt Licks
4. Cadbury Creme Egg Over Ham and Hollandaise Sauce
3. Oh Henry Kissinger!
2. 'Roidrageous
1. Regis Pieces

Heard on Kimmel, October 28, 2010:
Halloween is on Sunday, so make sure you have plenty of cigarettes for the kids.
Some parents ruin Halloween for their kids by not allowing them to get candy. The way our economy is going, it may be good practice for our kids to start begging for food.

Heard on Leno, October 29, 2010:
Remember when we used to worry about some weirdo having a razor blade inside an apple on Halloween? Not anymore. Like a kid today would eat an apple.
Here's a great way to scare Californians this Halloween. Remind them that our choice for governor is Meg Whitman or Jerry Brown.

Heard on Letterman, October 29, 2010:
When I was a kid, I liked Halloween. But now, it's just another reason to get drunk.
You don't have to go nuts buying treats for Halloween. Last year, I passed out Lipitor.
I hate the stupid games you have to play on Halloween, like bobbing for apples. Or, as Dick Cheney used to call it, "apple-boarding".

Heard on Fallon, October 29, 2010:
Halloween is this weekend. I'm just gonna get trashed and go as Charlie Sheen's hotel room.
I love it when people dress up their dogs in Halloween costumes. But I don't like it when I tell someone how cute their dog looks, and they're like "Hey man, that's my child."

Heard on Ferguson, October 29, 2010:
For Halloween, I'm going to be the most bedazzled ghost ever.
I'm too cheap to make a real costume. I'm just going to take everything off except for my socks, and I'll be Charlie Sheen.
I'm looking forward to Halloween, seeing all the monsters and the nightmarish imagery. Then I'll turn off the campaign ads and wait for the trick-or-treaters.
I don't like when people make their lawns into graveyards with zombies writhing around on the ground. If I want to see a scary creature twisted on the ground, I'd throw David Hasselhoff a hamburger.

Heard on Leno, November 1, 2010:
I hope you all had a nice Halloween. How many are sick today from too much candy? How many are sick from too many political ads on TV?

Heard on Letterman, November 1, 2010:
I ran out of candy on Halloween, and then realized I had some powdered milk left over from my Y2K bunker.

Heard on Kimmel, November 1, 2010:
No one came to my house to trick-or-treat. I think the moat might be scaring people away.
I have all this candy left at my house now. This morning, I had a Skittles omelet.

Heard on Leno, October 27, 2011:
According to USA Today, 74 percent of Americans plan to hand out candy this Halloween. Although President Obama thinks it should be just the top 1 percent.
Trick-or-treating is expected to climb for the 10th straight year. Kids still love the candy, they just hate the walking.

Heard on Conan, October 27, 2011:
This year one of the most popular costumes is the Snooki costume. It's easy to make. You just dress up as an orange pumpkin and pass out in a men's room.

Heard on Kimmel, October 27, 2011:
I hate having to find a Halloween costume. They turn these abandoned blockbuster video stores into Halloween costume cities. And the costumes are all stupid. And the employees in the store do not care because they know they're fired on Nov. 1.
I miss the days when Halloween was a simple holiday about making ritual sacrifices to evil spirits to ensure a plentiful harvest.

Heard on Leno, October 31, 2011:
President Obama invited trick-or-treaters to the White House Saturday night and they had a very scary party. They sat in a circle, turned off all the lights and the kids read the president his poll numbers.
Earlier tonight, a bunch of rich kids came to my door, took all my candy and the other 99 percent of the kids in the neighborhood are now occupying my lawn.

Heard on Letterman, October 31, 2011:
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

Heard on Conan, October 31, 2011:
I see a lot of Conan costumes. Hey, at least you can take yours off.

Heard on Ferguson, October 31, 2011:
I had trouble deciding on a costume today. I just thought I'd throw together whatever I had in my closet. Luckily for me, everything I had looked like something worn by Moammar Gadhafi.
Halloween is really fun at my house. Every year, I buy a bunch of candy and as kids walk up the driveway, I turn on the sprinklers.

Heard on Kimmel, October 31, 2011:
It's kind of weird wearing a costume into an office. What if you get fired? Nothing sadder than clearing out your things dressed like Dora the Explorer.
I wonder if Halloween is the one day of the year Lady Gaga wears sensible slacks.
Trick-or-treaters came to the White House for about an hour on Saturday. Conservatives are already accusing the president of seriously depleting our country's Tootsie Roll reserve.

Heard on Fallon, October 31, 2011:
An 80-year-old man in New York is doing fine after he fell into a sinkhole in his front yard. Yeah, when kids saw an 80-year-old crawling out of a hole in the ground, they were like, "That's the best Halloween display ever!"

Heard on Leno, November 1, 2011:
I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you're not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms.

Heard on Letterman, November 1, 2011:
Here's how I know that we had quite a few trick-or-treaters. I'm leaving the property this morning and the barbed wire is covered with ripped costumes.

Heard on Kimmel, November 1, 2011:
I hope you've recovered from Halloween. It came and went so fast -- like a Kardashian marriage.
A lot of kids across the country got the day off from school because of Halloween. I'm pretty sure this is why we're falling behind China. Not only did their kids not get the day off from school, they made all of our kids' costumes.
I think the scariest costume I saw was a woman dressed as the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Either that or a real housewife of Beverly Hills had just come out of a Botox appointment.

Heard on Fallon, November 1, 2011:
President Obama gave candy to trick-or-treaters at the White House. Obama wanted people to like his costume, so he went as himself from 2008.

Heard on Leno, October 31, 2012:
I had a trick-or-treater tonight who stood outside on my porch for an hour, didn't ring the bell, didn't knock on the door. I said, "Who are you supposed to be?" He said, "I'm an undecided voter."
My favorite Halloween candy is the candy corn. It comes in four colors: white, yellow, orange, brown. Those are also the stages of your teeth rotting after you eat it.
Donald Trump, did you see him today? He was giving candy only to kids who could show their birth certificate and their school records.

Heard on Conan, November 1, 2012:
Last night Lady Gaga dressed up as a marijuana plant. Then 20 minutes later she realized it was Halloween, so she ran home and put on a costume.

Heard on Fallon, October 30, 2013:
Halloween is tomorrow night, and a woman from North Dakota says she's planning on giving overweight trick-or-treaters a letter explaining that sugar is bad for them instead of giving them candy. Then those kids will hand HER a letter saying, "Toilet paper or eggs?"

Heard on Letterman, November 1, 2013:
Did everybody have a good Halloween? I'm just not into the Halloween spirit. What I did was I went to bed early after I turned on the electric fence.
Last year for Halloween I passed out Lipitor. Is that all right?

Heard on Fallon, November 1, 2013:
Last night the Obamas gave out dried fruit to more than 5,000 trick-or-treaters. In a related story, today workers outside the White House had to sweep up a bunch of dried fruit.

Heard on Letterman, November 12, 2013:
My wife got a hold of some bacon-scented deodorant and then she found some fried eggs cologne. And then for Halloween we went trick-or-treating as a Denny's Grand Slam breakfast.

Heard on Fallon, October 3, 2016:
We're just four weeks away from Halloween: people pretending to be somebody else, going door-to-door for handouts, or as that's also called, running for president.

Heard on Fallon, October 31, 2016:
It is Halloween, which means you just spent the night handing out candy, or you've been sitting completely still in the dark, pretending that you weren't home.
I saw a new study that says that eating over 1,500 pieces of candy corn could actually kill you. Which shouldn't be a problem since the current record for eating a piece of candy corn is two.
Hillary Clinton got quite a scare tonight. I guess a trick-or-treater came to the door dressed as a lie detector.
When kids rang Donald Trump's bell and yelled, "Trick or treat," Trump yelled "Trick," and before the kids could grab any candy, declared bankruptcy. Boom, just like that.

Heard on Corden, October 31, 2016:
It makes sense on the weekend of Halloween that Donald Trump's campaign comes back from the dead for one final scare.

Heard on Kimmel, October 31, 2016:
Imagine what an amazing place America would be if we put as much time and effort as we do into our Halloween costumes into literally anything else.
According to a survey of over 40,000 Americans, candy corn was the most popular Halloween candy state by state. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups got the most votes overall. So basically, Reese's got the popular vote and candy corn won the Electoral College.
The bigger question is who the hell loves candy corn so much? I mean, was this a survey of people with no teeth?
In Arizona, the favored Halloween candy is Toblerone. That's when you know you have too many old people living in your state. Where do you even get Toblerone? Are children trick-or-treating at duty-free shops at the airport? I haven't seen Toblerone outside of that.

Heard on Meyers, October 31, 2016:
Today was Halloween and right on cue, Hillary's private email server came back from the dead.

The Nun And The Cab Driver

A cabby picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" "OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

Q: What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry departments?
A: Methylated spirits.

Halloween Quiz http://www.halloweenhowl.com/halloweentrivia.htm

1. The word Hallow means:
a) saint
b) holiday
c) haunted

2. The wer in werewolf means:
a) once
b) spirit
c) man

3. What is the purpose of a ghoul?
a) rob graves
b) poison food
c) kidnap children

4. Bonfire originally came from the word for:
a) good (in French)
b) forbidden (in Old English)
c) bone (in Anglo-Saxon)

5. What was Dracula's real name:
a) Vlad Tepes
b) Dom Delouise
c) Bela Lugosi

6. The word wicca means:
a) wise woman
b) healer
c) witch

7. What does Samhain really mean?
a) the end of summer
b) All Saints Day
c) somebody's name

8. Every year, Charlie Brown waits with his friend Linus for who to appear?
a) Pigpen
b) the Grinch
c) the Great Pumpkin

9. Pumpkins grow on a:
a) bush
b) vine
c) tree

10. Halloween is celebrated on the eve of what Christian holiday?
a) Guy Fawkes Day
b) All Saints Day
c) All Souls Day

11. What phobia means you have an intense fear of Halloween?
a) Samhainophobia
b) Hallowohobia
c) Necrophobia

12. The name Dracula means:
a) bad blood
b) son of the devil
c) demon

13. What do folks traditionally "bob" for at Halloween parties?
a) skulls
b) rodents
c) apples
d) oranges
e) pumpkins

14. Which country celebrates "The Day of the Dead" instead of Halloween?
a) Norway
b) England
c) Mexico
d) Uganda
e) Israel

15. What are male witches called?
a) Morlocks
b) Manwitches
c) Warlocks
d) Sorcerers
e) Gingriches

16. What is the name of the serial killer in the film "Halloween"?
a) Jason Priestly
b) Michael Myers
c) Dana Carvey
d) Wayne Campbell
e) John Wayne Gacey

17. Halloween originated from a festival celebrated by what ancient European tribe?
a) The Druids
b) The Celts
c) The Huns
d) The Goths
e) The Visgoths

18. In Scotland, what was traditionally carved into a jack-o-lantern?
a) a pumpkin
b) a potato
c) a turnip
d) a cabbage
e) a tomato

Answers:
1. a 2. c 3. a 4. c 5. a 6. b 7. a 8. c 9. b 10. b
11. a 12. b 13. c 14. c 15. c 16. b 17. b 18. c

Halloween Trivia http://www.usefultrivia.com/holiday_trivia/halloween_trivia_index.html

1. What was the most popular Halloween candy in 2004?
A) Snickers, B) Candy Corn, C) M&Ms, D) Tootsie Rolls

2. According to superstition, if you stare into a mirror at midnight on Halloween, what will you see?
A) Bloody Mary, B) Your Future Spouse, C) Your Death, D) Dead Ancestors

3. The first Jack-o-Lanterns were made out of what?
A) Watermelons, B) Coconuts, C) Turnips, D) Pumpkins

4. Halloween is generally considered to have evolved from what ancient festival?
A) Lammas, B) Beltane, C) Samhain, D) Ostara

5. What was the most popular Halloween costume in 2004?
A) Spiderman, B) Witch, C) Vampire, D) George W. Bush

6. How much does the world's biggest pumpkin weigh?
A) 245 pounds, B) 485 pounds, C) 685 pounds, D) 1,385 pounds

7. According to legend, a unibrow, tattoos, and a long middle finger are all signs of what Halloween creature?
A) a werewolf, B) a vampire, C) a witch, D) a golem

8. How many pounds of candy did the average American consume in 2002?
A) 6 pounds, B) 12 pounds, C) 24 pounds, D) 48 pounds

9. How many "witches" were burned at the stake in the Salem Witch Trials?
A) Twelve, B) Twenty, C) Thirty-three, D) None

10. What phobia do you suffer from if you have an intense fear of Halloween?
A) Phasmophobia, B) Samhainophobia, C) Wiccaphobia, D) Halloweenophobia

Trivia Answers

1. b. candy corn
2. b. your future spouse
3. c. turnips
4. c. Samhain
5. a. Spiderman
6. d. 1,385lb
7. a. werewolf
8. c. 24lbs
9. d. none
10. b. Samhainophobia

1. Candy Corn. According to ExtremeChocolate.com's annual Halloween candy survey, Candy Corn was the most popular Halloween candy in 2004. In previous years, Snickers had held the #1 spot.

2. Your future spouse. According to superstition, if you stare into a mirror at midnight on Halloween, you will see your future spouse.

3. Turnips. The first Jack-o-Lanterns were made in Ireland out of hollowed-out turnips. A piece of coal was inserted into the hollow and the "lantern" was meant to guide the way of poor old Jack who wasn't welcome in Heaven but was also barred from entering Hell for tricking the devil. According to legend, the devil gave this crude lamp to Jack so that he could walk the earth forever in limbo. When the Irish brought this tradition to America, they apparently decided that pumpkins were much easier to carve than turnips, and the modern-day Jack-o-Lantern was born!

4. Samhain. Although there are many theories on the origin and history of Halloween, it is generally accepted that Halloween dates back to an ancient Celtic festival known as Samhain, or the Celtic New Year. It was believed that the spirits of everyone who had died during the year would return on the eve of Samhain to seek living bodies to possess for the following year. The Celts would dress in ghoulish costumes and hold noisy revels in an attempt to frighten away these spirits. Food and drink was also offered to pacify the dead. There are many tales of unfortunate souls being burned at the stake because they were perceived to have been possessed by one of the returning spirits. Around the turn of the first century AD, Romans abandoned this custom of human sacrifice in favor of the burning of effigies.

5. Spiderman. According to the National Retail Federation's Halloween Consumer Intentions and Actions Survey, the most popular Halloween costume in 2004 was Spiderman, with 2.15 million children dressing as their favorite superhero. Other popular costumes included princesses (1.8 million children), witches (1.3 million) and vampires (899,000).

6. 1,385!! The world's record for biggest pumpkin is currently held by a gigantic gourd weighing a whopping 1,385 pounds!

7. A werewolf. According to legend, a unibrow, tattoos, hairy palms, and a long middle finger are all signs of a werewolf.

8. 24lbs! The average American consumed 24 pounds of candy in 2002! It is believed that a large portion is consumed by kids on and during the days immediately following Halloween.

9. None. None of the "witches" put to death in the Salem Witch trials were burned at the stake. All those executed were hanged but one, Giles Cory, who was pressed to death. Several others died in prison, including Sarah Osborne, Roger Toothaker, Lyndia Dustin, and Ann Foster.

10. Samhainophobia. Samhainophobia refers to an abnormal and persistent fear of Halloween. This time of year may also stir up other phobias such as the fear of cats (ailurophobia), witches (wiccaphobia), ghosts (phasmophobia), spiders (arachnophobia), the dark (nyctophobia), and cemeteries (coimetrophobia).

Take Pumpkin Carving 101 at http://www.pumpkin-carving.com/

Extreme Pumpkin Carving http://www.extremepumpkins.com/

How To Carve A Pumpkin Like A Pro http://www.liquidgeneration.com/sabotage/pumpkin_carve.asp http://www.liquidgeneration.com/content/a55hat.aspx?cid=1131

The Pumpkin Wizard http://www.carvingpumpkins.com/

Carve your own sim-pumpkin http://www.coasttocoastam.com/timages/page/pumpkin_sim.html

Pumpkin carving ideas http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/ideas/gallery/101709_pumpkins/