O J Simpson Jokes

Q: Why do the police have the wrong man?
A: One glove was found at the scene -- clearly the work of the sinister Michael Jackson. (For more Michael Jackson Jokes, see ../mj.html.)

Heard on an otherwise dull AM radio talk show:
CALLER: I just saw a CNN update on the O. J. Simpson case -- Michael Jackson has volunteered to take care of the kids.

Q: Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.

Q: What is O.J.'s favorite play?
A: Cut left, slash right.

O.J. Simpson CANNOT be guilty for the murders he was charged with, since the two victims were stabbed to death. After all, everyone knows that Buffalo Bills *ALWAYS* choke!

I heard that OJ was no longer the prime suspect in the case.
The reason being that as an ex Buffalo Bill, if he were going to murder her, he would have done it the Buffalo Bill way and choked her.

Did you hear that the Bills are going to retire OJ's number this Sunday?
After this Sunday, no Buffalo Bill will ever again wear #1783529.

Q: Why won't prison be that different for OJ?
A: He will still have BIG Guys opening holes for him.

Q: How do you get an electric chair to work?
A: Give it the Juice!

Q: Why do they call O.J. "Juice"?
A: Because he beat his wife to a pulp.

Q: What did Mike Tyson have for breakfeast?
A: Squeezed OJ!!!

Q: Why did Mr. Simpson kill his wife?
A: She refused to have OJ for breakfast.

Q: Did ya hear O.J. Confessed?
A: Yeah, they squeezed it out of him!!!!!

Q: How is Tropicana(TM) like the LAPD?
A: They both have OJ in a can.

Q: Did you hear about the new drink called "The Simpson"?
A: OJ, a couple of slices, and a chaser

Q: What is a "Bloody Screwdriver"?
A: It's O.J. mixed with bitters, and a sliced tomato.

Q: How did the police know that OJ was involved in the murder?
A: The murder weapon was a screwdriver.

Top Five Reasons That Prove Homer-J and O-J are the same person:
5: They have never been seen together.
4: OJ said "Doh!" when taken into custody.
3: Both have the nickname "Home-y" or "home-boy"
2: Both have 5-o-clock shadow.
1: Neither one is any damn good in a nuclear power plant.

You have to envy O. J. Simpson -- who else do you know who has *no* difficulty answering the question, "Have you stopped beating your wife yet?"

Q: What's worse than being married to John Bobbit?
A: Being divorced from OJ Simpson.

Q: What's the difference between OJ Simpson and Jeffry Dahmer?
A: OJ only ate one of his victims.

Q: Have you heard about OJ's wife's new job?
A: She's a Pez dispenser.

Q: What's the difference between OJ Simpson and a paralyzed coal miner?
A: One's a numb digger.

I hear that Ted Danson will be playing OJ Simpson in the OJ miniseries.

Q: What did Joey Buttafuoco say to O.J. Simpson?
A: You should've had your girlfriend do it.

It seems that Bill Clinton will grant OJ a presidential pardon...
...but only on the condition that OJ start dating Paula Jones.

Q: Why shouldn't you let OJ carve the Thanksgiving turkey?
A: He only carves white meat.

Q: Why is it good to have OJ at your Thanksgiving dinner?
A: Because he's so good at carving white meat.

The news claimed today that the weapon in the Nicole Simpson murder was a US Marine trenching tool.
"Oh, great," I thought, "now Clinton's going to impose a ban on military-style assault shovels!"

Q: What does OJ stand for?
A: Open Jugular

Q: What is the theme song of the movie about Simpson's current scandal?
A: "The Backstabbers" by (who else?) the Ojay's.

Q: What's the last thing OJ said to Nichole Simpson?
A: Your waiter will be with you shortly....

Q: What did Ronald Goldman say to Nicole Simpson in heaven?
A: Here's your f*cking glasses!

Q: What type of blood was found on Nichole's doorstep?
A: O.J. Positive

"Police investigating the murder of O.J. Simpson's wife and another man stated there was about 45 minutes between the time of the murders and the departure of Mr. Simpson's plane for Chicago."
Now I know why O.J. did all those Hertz commercials...practice.

Hertz has decided to KEEP OJ as their spokesman.
However, they have decided to change the name of the company to "Killz".

Did you hear that Hertz is planning on extending O.J.'s contract?
He's going to make license plates for them now.

After Hertz fired OJ as their spokesman, he made the mistake of heading NORTH on I-5. Had OJ headed SOUTH, Taco Bell was prepared to hire him as part of their "make a run for the border" campaign.

I was surprised Friday to come home, turn on my TV, and see a civilian car going 50 mph on the freeway with a pack of police cars following, afraid to pass!

Heard on one of the New York City radio stations:
"I tried to watch the Knicks game last night, but all I kept seeing were those Ford Bronco commercials."

O.J. play by play:
"Well, there's not much time left, they have to make a big play soon ..."
"Movement in the backfield, It's O.J.! What a move. He breaks away from a pack of defenders, he's going 10, 5. He just might make it."
"He cuts to the 91 . . . now streaks down the 405. They can't catch him!"
"Looks like he's going to make it, and ... ooohh .... they bring him down in the driveway, just short."
"What a play, one we'll all remember, one for the record books, O.J.s longest run from skirmish."

Did you see where Walter Payton has killed three people in Chicago?
He's trying to set a new NFL record!

Finally found out why it took OJ so long to decide to stop driving around the freeway.
Apparently, Rodney King called him on the car phone and said, "Whatever you do, DON'T GET OUT OF THE CAR!!"

OJ calls a limo service and requests a limo. The dispatcher tells Mr. Simpson "Yes sir Mr. Simpson we have a limo for you, but it will be a 45 minute wait."
OJ replies, "Great, I have some time to kill."

limo driver: "Mr. Simpson? Are you ready to go to the airport?"
OJ: "Just a minute... I gotta go aks my wife."

Q: Why did OJ stay in the bronco at his estate before surrendering to the police?
A: He was waiting for assurance that none of the officers who arrested Rodney King were there.

According to the San Jose Mercury News this morning, the timeline for murder of Nicole Simpson and her friend was:

6:00 pm O.J. Simpson and his ex-wife, Nicole Simpson, leave a dance recital for their daughter in West L.A.

6:30 pm Nicole Simpson and 9 others (excluding OJ) eat dinner at Mezzaluna Restuarant in Brentwood, a few blocks from Nicole's condominium. Among the waiters was Ronald Lyle Goldman, but he didn't serve Nicole's party.

8:30 pm Nicole leaves the restaurant, later she calls back noting that she left her glasses there. Ronald volunteers to taken them to her.

9:45 pm Goldman leaves for Nicole Simpson's house.

11 pm Approximate time of death

11:45 pm O.J. Simpson takes American Airlines flight 668 bound for Chicago.

If O.J. is guilty, then I'm sure someone must have noticed him running through the airport.

Following is evidence that O.J. is not the killer:

They only found one glove - Michael Jackson actually did it.

If he murdered, it would Hertz his advertising career.

The juice was capable of putting the squeeze on his ex-wife, but never beating the pulp out of her.

It is proven that murderers have little ability to think, but everyone has seen O.J. concentrate.

The pattern of stab wounds is irrefutable - any football fan knows that O.J. could never cut to the left.

If an ex-football player had to kill his wife, why couldn't it have been Frank Gifford?

While watching the (currently ongoing) drama of O.J. Simpson running away from the police on CNN, I thought it would be neat if they cut to a commercial:

This special news coverage is brought to you by Hertz. The next time you need to make a getaway, Hertz is the one.....

I wonder if they will let OJ do the endorsement from jail.

In light of the fact that O.J. Simpson (once great american football player- now accused of a double murder) was trying to escape police in a Ford Bronco while holding a gun to his own head, a friend suggested a new version of an old ford slogan:

Scene: media helicopter footage of Ford Bronco being chased by many police.
Announcer: "Ford Bronco--when you just have to get away."

I laughed. Then I thought, good thing we didn't have to be reminded of another Ford slogan: "Found On Road Dead!"

(Probably incomprehensible to anyone who hasn't seen the relevant Halloween episode of THE SIMPSONS'. Starred (*) answer omitted to respect the part of the Constitution about "Innocent until proven guilty.")

Homer: Did you stab your ex-wife to death?
O.J.: *
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
O.J.: No.
Homer: Well, at least you didn't wreck the car.

(Probably incomprehensible to anyone who hasn't seen the movie SPEED. The biggest difference between Friday night's chase and the one in the movie was, the movie had *no* idea how big the media coverage would be.)

[Note: Plot synopsis of SPEED: extortionist rigs a bomb on a bus that engages when bus goes over 50 miles per hour, and explodes should bus then drop below 50]

Dennis Hopper: Pop quiz, hotshot. You've got a white Bronco on the highway, with a famous sports figure and murder suspect. The car is riggged to attract every traffic helicopter and minicam crew in southern California. If the coverage ratings drop below fifty, CNN blows up. What do you do, hotshot, what do you do?

Keanu Reeves: Shoot the audience. Take them out of the equation.

(Not to mention our misery. . . .)

As the OJ Simpson drama unfolded last friday some fairly strange visions passed through my mind.

Vision #1: In less than 8 weeks we will see the first made-for-TV movie about this. Since the trial will not have finished yet, it will star OJ Simpson as himself.

Vision #2: A new Hertz commercial, with OJ sprinting to catch a plane to chicago, followed by two track stars dressed as police officers.

Vision #3: OJ Simpson, the cartoon...by Matt Groenig. The opening scene has blue sky with clouds parting. A chorus sings "O...J...Simpson" to the Simpsons theme song. next shot:
O.J. "Bart" Simpson writing "Lieutenant Frank Dremmond will get me off" over and over on the chalkboard. The opening sequence ends with the family rushing into the Simpson living room, hurdling the couch, and running through a Hertz office. (The original opening with O.J. chasing Marge Simpson with a knife was dropped by the Fox network censors, who found it too tasteful).

Next scene: a white ford bronco cruising down the highway with 50 police cars in pursuit, and 10 news helicopters chasing from above. The police cars are jokeying for position; the ones in the lead have a small shoot-out to establish who gets to lead.

Cut to...The Newscaster, mumbling about aliens and asking "The Professor" about the impact this event will have on the next "Police Squad" movie.

Cut to...the bronco is now parked in front of the house, which is surrounded by dozens of police cars with flashing lights and crumpled fenders. Zoom way back, so we can see the cloud of helicopters trying to get a good angle under the direction of CNN. A cameraman stretches too far and plummets screaming into the hedge. The bronco door opens, and the channel 5 'copter and channel 27 'copter both lunge for a good angle; they collide in mid air and the wreckage lands on the Bronco. The whole pile of rubble explodes, including the Bronco.

Throw in a few Itchy & Scratchy episodes and we could have a hit...

Q: What do the Academy Awards and the O.J. Simpson trial have in common?
A: May we open the envelope please?

TOP TEN TEN INCRIMINATING THINGS THAT COULD BE IN THE "ENVELOPE"

10. A letter from Ed McMahon saying that O.J. could already be a winner

9. O.J.'s first issue to his subscription of Field & Stream

8. A set of travel brochures for the top ten countries with no extradition policies

7. The script to the upcoming movie "Naked Gun 4: Bronco on the Run"

6. The Cadbury secret

5. Fan letters to Tonya Harding, Amy Irving, Lorena Bobbitt, and Jodie Foster

4. Unshredded Whitewater documents

3. Future endorsements for the drink Bloody Mary

2. Michael Jackson's other glove

1. Can't open that %^$# envelope! Someone left the knife inside.

The prosecution was right to narrow the list of suspects down to Simpsons, but the way this one was carried out, they may have gotten the wrong one!

BEEEEP

"If you saw a one-armed man running from the scene, please press one.
If you don't know who OJ is, and would like to serve on the jury, please press two.
If you've ever scored with Nicole, by yourself or with others, please press three.
If you're Michael Jackson and you would like to take care of the kids, please press four.
If you have pictures of any LA cop at a KKK cross burning, please press five.
If you have pictures of that bitch prosecutor with a German shepherd, please press six.
If you saw a spacecraft hovering over the scene of the crime, please press seven.
If you think it couldn't be OJ because the Buffalo Bills always choke, please press eight.
If you....<click>

THERE IS NO O.J. SIMPSON COVERAGE IN THIS NEWSPAPER!

I just don't know who to believe any more.

O.J. Simpson: Canonical O.bligatory J.okes List [8/01/94]

This is the best and most complete (accept no substitutes!) Canonical List of O.J. Simpson jokes. Additions, corrections, and other comments regarding this list should be sent to me at: v120qldp@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu

I. Football and other sports-related jokes
II. Hertz Rental Car and other acting-related jokes
III. Orange Juice puns
IV. Prison and killing-related jokes
V. Miscellaneous jokes

I. Football and other sports-related jokes

Q: How do we know that Thurman Thomas didn't kill O.J.'s ex-wife?
A: Thurman would have fumbled the knife.

O.J. was the first running back to run 2000 yards and the first murderer to run 2000 miles!

B oy           B oy              B oy          B oy
I              I t               I             I
L ove          L ooks            L ove         L ove
L ife          L ike             L osing       L osing
S entences     S an Quentin      S pouses      S anity

O.J. used to play football. Now it looks like he played sock-her as well.

He's still a great footballer ...
Still slices up the opposition wherever he finds them!

Q: What's the difference between Ryne Sandberg and O.J. Simpson?
A: Ryne lost his killer instinct and O.J. found it.

Q: Did you hear O.J. has refused to play on the prison football team?
A: He heard they wanted him to line up in a four-point stance.

Q: Did you hear the Bills fired Marv Levy?
A: They felt the team lacked a killer instinct, so they hired O.J. Simpson.

O.J. ran for more yards in one evening than in 8 years with Buffalo.

Rumor has it that instead of giving Juice the chair for a guilty conviction, they are going to sentence him to play two more years in Buffalo.

Q: Why did O.J. kill Goldman?
A: To prove the Bills could slaughter the competition and not just choke.

Q: Why did O.J. kill his ex?
A: He wanted to terminate her free agency.

Q: Why did O.J. go to Chicago after killing two people?
A: It was the perfect place for a three-peat!

At the end of the regulation marriage, without any additional scoring, the only thing left was sudden death.

O.J.'s final run, although spectacular, epitomized his career. Just think what he could have done if he had just had some really good blocking.

I heard O.J. tried to kill his wife in Buffalo, but they retired his .32.

More evidence that O.J. didn't kill his ex-wife:
Any man who can sit beside Howard Cosell on Monday Night Football without killing him would never kill anyone.

O.J. was offered a plea bargain. Life in prison without parole, or a season behind the Cleveland Browns line. He took the life sentence.

Q: Did you hear what the longest drive was during the U.S. Open?
A: O.J. Simpson - 61 miles.

Q: Who's the most famous Los Angeles Dodger?
A: O.J. Simpson.

O.J. Simpson will go down in history as one of the most versatile players in history...
He entered the NFL as a running back...
He entered prison as a tight end...
and will leave prison as a wide receiver!

Q: Did you hear that the police are now saying that O.J. moved the bodies after the murders?
A: They are accusing him of 2 carries for 58 yards.

The police are now saying that the murder weapon was a set of hedge clippers. O.J.'s lawyers think that instead of getting the death penalty, O.J. will get 15 yards for clipping.

Police are now saying that O.J. is no longer a suspect because they found a Super Bowl ring at the murder scene.

Q: Did you hear experts have already predicted the Super Bowl champion for next season?
A: It's going to be the San Quentin prison football team.

Q: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and John Elway?
A: One drives a slow, white Bronco. The other *is* a slow, white Bronco.

II. Hertz Rental Car and other acting-related jokes

I've heard that O.J.'s troubles have resulted in at least one commercial endorsement contract being canceled.
Apparently it's _killed_ his Ginsu Knife deal!

Did you hear about Hertz's new billboard?
It's a picture of O.J. Simpson with a caption, "Hertz: For Great Getaways!"

Q: What was Nicole Simpson's last words?
A: Stop, O.J.! It Hertz!

Well I don't buy his alibi either. Have you seen the way O.J. moves through an airport? And he's real quick at rental cars too...

I guess everyone in the L.A. Airport thought O.J. was just shooting a new rental car commercial when they saw him running through the airport! Coincidence? I think not!

Did you hear that Hertz Car Rental Agency is changing its name to Killz?

A new Ford Bronco is being marketed to replace the Eddie Bauer model. It is the O.J. model. It comes with storage for your ice picks and bloody gloves, stain-resistant carpeting, extra fuel capacity for those long trips and a cellular phone. Takes you for the drive of a lifetime.

Q: Did you hear about the new Hertz commercial?
A: O.J. is seen running through the airport, jumping over seats and babies in strollers, to catch his plane for Chicago. The rental agent is frantically running after him yelling, "Mr. Simpson, Mr. Simpson, you forgot your bloody glove!"

Q: Whatever drove O.J. to kill his wife?
A: A Hertz Rent-A-Car.

New, from Hertz: The "O.J. Weekend Getaway Special!"
Your choice of Bronco, with enough gas to go 70 miles.
And you end up at your front door!

The police say a jogger claims to have seen O.J.'s car at the murder scene the night his ex-wife was killed. He should have rented a car from Hertz.

Naked Gun 44 1/4 - Nordberg gets The Chair!

Q: Is O.J. Simpson still the spokesman for Hertz?
A: Not exactly.

Actually I heard that Hertz just renewed O.J.'s contract.
Only now he's making license plates for them.

I heard that O.J. lost his Hertz Rental Car endorsement contract, but he has a new endorsement offer.
Taco Bell has hired him to "Run for the Border."

Q: How do we know it wasn't someone from Avis who killed them?
A: Whomever did it sure didn't try very hard.

Now I know why O.J. did all those Hertz commercials: Practice.

Is it true that O.J. was last seen chasing a one-armed man?

Q: Did you hear that Hertz dropped O.J.?
A: Chicago Cutlery picked him up.

Q: Did you hear about the new contract the Florida Orange Juice Association is going to offer O.J. Simpson?
A: They'll pay him a million a year for the rest of his life. All they want him to do is change his name to Snapple!

III. Orange Juice puns

Looks like they'll be putting the juice to the Juice...

Did you know that he confessed? Yeah, they squeezed it out of him.

The real reason O.J. is being detained by the police is that he does really poorly in the interrogations. You see, O.J. has a problem:
He can't concentrate.

After O.J. is sent to prison, all the inmates will be asking each other, "Have you had your O.J. this morning?"

IMPORTANT Commodities News Flash! O.J. futures have fallen 12 points...

New cocktail: Bloody Screwdriver
Start with O.J., 1 ounce of bitters, add sliced tomato and chopped fruit.

Q: Hear about the new Bronco drink?
A: It consists of a couple of jiggers followed by a bunch of O.J. chasers.

Q: What do the LAPD and Tropicana have in common?
A: They both have O.J. in a can.

My mom tried to give me some orange juice this morning.
I told her, "No way, mom! O.J. will KILL you!"

Q: What is the difference between Tang and O.J.?
A: Tang won't kill you!

Q: Why do they call him O.J.?
A: Because he beats the pulp out of his women.

There is a new drink out in the bars now, called the Bloody Nicole.
It's the same thing as a Bloody Mary but instead of adding tomato juice, you add O.J.!

Q: What was the last thing Nicole said?
A: "I should have had a V-8."

IV. Prison and killing-related jokes

They are going to re-make the movie "The Longest Yard," starring O.J. Simpson as himself.

Q: Why won't prison be that different for O.J.?
A: He will still have big guys opening holes for him.

Q: Why did O.J. Simpson go to Chicago?
A: To find a clean towel.

Headline for the Daily Fishwrap...
THE JUICE NOOSES DEUCE! STILL ON THE LOOSE!
By the way, wouldn't it be humorous if they pan the cameras across the crowd at the NBA finals, and there he sat watching the game?

Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: O.J. paying a visit to his ex-wife.

Q: What's the difference between Rodney King and O.J. Simpson?
A: O.J. started out with millions.

When O.J. gets to prison and converts to the Nation of Islam, he'll of course change his name to O.J. X.

Q: Why does everyone want O.J. over for Thanksgiving dinner?
A: He sure knows how to slice the hell out of white meat!

Q: Do you know why O.J. drove around as long as he did?
A: He was waiting for a call from Dr. Kevorkian!

At O.J. Simpson's arraignment yesterday, the prosecutor said "..and we will prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Mr. Simpson committed this crime with malice and forethought." At which point a confused O.J. blurted out, "That's not true! I did it alone!"

Q: Why were the police suspicious after they called O.J. in Chicago?
A: He denied he was the culprit, and even suggested they come to the golf tournament and see how bad his slice was.

Q: Why did O.J. stop at his ex-wife's house on his way to the airport?
A: He had some time to kill.

Q: Why did O.J. flee?
A: He was mad about not being Grand Marshall in the Rose Parade.

The defense may claim O.J. was acting on the advice of his marriage counselor.
After the last attempt at reconciliation had failed, the counselor told the distraught O.J. to make another stab at it.

Q: What did O.J. say to Goldman when he found him with his ex-wife?
A: Hey pal, mind if I cut in?

Q: What is O.J.'s favorite soft drink?
A: Slice.

Q: What is O.J.'s motto?
A: If you can't beat 'em, stab 'em.

Q: Why did O.J. sit in the Bronco for so long?
A: Because Rodney King called him and told him not to get out of the car.

O.J. Simpson got sent to jail and is laying in his cell all depressed.
His cellmate says to him, "Hey, it's not all that bad.
We have a lot of activities around here. Do you like sports?"
"Hell yeah," says O.J.
"Do you like football?"
"Hell yeah," says O.J.
"You'll like Mondays then. Do you like baseball?"
"Hell yeah," says O.J.
"Great! You'll love Wednesdays then. Are you gay?"
"Hell no!" says O.J.
"Damn, I guess you'll hate Fridays."

V. Miscellaneous Jokes

Houston schlockjocks on morning radio used the following subject:
Good prison names for O.J. Maybe that will get you started.
Only heard a couple... O.rifice J.amboree got my vote.

Q. What does O.J. stand for?

A: Obdurate Jerk          Objective Jury?       Obligatory Jokes
   Obsessively Jealous    Obstinate Jealousy    Obstreperous Journey
   Oh, Jailer!            Open Jugular          Orange Jumpsuit
   Out Joyriding  Outlaw Jock   Outlook: Jail   Outta Job

Following is evidence that O.J. is not the killer:
1. They only found one glove - Michael Jackson actually did it.
2. If he murdered her, it would Hertz his advertising career.
3. The Juice was capable of putting the squeeze on his ex-wife, but never beating the pulp out of her.
4. It is proven that murderers have little ability to think, but everyone has seen O.J. concentrate.
5. The pattern of stab wounds is irrefutable - any football fan knows that O.J. could never cut to the left.

Q: What do O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: They are both missing a glove.

Q: What did Michael Jackson say to O.J. Simpson?
A: Don't worry, I'll take care of the kids.

Q: Have you heard about the new children's game?
A: It's called "Where's O.J.?"

Q: What is O.J.'s favorite song?
A: 'I Used to Love Her But I Had to Kill Her' by Guns 'n' Roses. 'Communication Breakdown' by Led Zeppelin 'Run to the Hills' by Iron Maiden '911 It's a Joke' by Public Enemy

Q: What is O.J.'s favorite musical group?
A: Slayer
Drivin' and Cryin'
Suicidal Tendencies
Public Enemy

There once was a fellow named Simpson,
Who ran away covered in crimson.
After carving his wife,
With a "substantial knife,"
Said the cops, "What you did was quite grim, son."

Q: Did you hear John Wayne Bobbit called O.J. last night?
A: He wanted O.J. to know that he knows what it feels like to be separated from a loved one.

Q: What are the three worst words to hear from O.J. Simpson?
A: I love you.

Q: What do you get when you put Lorena Bobbit, Tammy Faye, and O.J. Simpson in the same room?
A: A butcher, a Bakker and a license plate maker.

Q: Did you hear about the new O.J. Simpson breakfast special?
A: It's eggs, steak and prune juice. First, you beat it, then you stab it with a knife, then you get the runs.

Someone has stepped forward to be O.J.'s alibi.
Apparently he was seen waiting to be seated at a local Denny's restaurant.

Q: What do the state of California and Taco Bell have in common?
A: They are two things that can give O.J. gas.

Q: How is having sex with a prostitute similar to dating O.J. Simpson's ex-wife?
A: In either case, if the Trojan snaps you're dead.

Q: Why did O.J. stab his wife?
A: Because he checked his gun with his baggage and the airline lost it.

Q: What do O.J. and Pee-Wee Herman have in common?
A: They were both arrested for abusing their loved ones.

It's one thing to kill your ex-wife, but another thing entirely to take a victory lap around the city afterword.

Q: What's the last thing O.J. said to Nicole Simpson?
A: Your waiter will be with you shortly...

A: Knock Knock.
B: Who's there?
A: O.J.
B: O.J. Who?
A: You have just qualified to be a member of the jury!

Q: Did you hear that Joey Buttafuoco went to visit O.J. in prison?
A: He told O.J. that he should have had his girlfriend do it.

Q: What did O.J. say to Larry Bird and Michael Jordan?
A: Out the Bronco...Over the driveway...Into the house...Out the backyard
...Down the street...To the condo...Nothin' but neck.

There once was a sports legend named O.J.,
Whose old lady told him to go away.
He slashed up his wife,
With a fifteen-inch knife,
And then led a parade on the freeway!

Q: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and John Bobbit?
A: O.J. can still get off.

Q: Why did O.J. change his long distance server from AT&T?
A: Because he knew he had to Sprint!

Q: What are two things that O.J. has that every man wants?
A: A Heisman Trophy and a dead wife.

Here's my favorite of today's bunch broadcast on Comedy Central.
"If a former pro football player had to kill his wife, why couldn't it have been Frank Gifford?"

Sarah Brady sent a letter to O.J.:
Dear O.J.,
I'm very disappointed in you. Why didn't you use a gun?

Q: What did Rob say to Nicole when they got to heaven?
A: "Here's your damn glasses! Thanks a lot!"

Q: What does O.J. have in common with the statue of Venus DiMilo?
A: Neither is considered armed any more.

As a long-time UCLA fan, it's obvious to me what O.J.'s lawyers will use
as a defense: "Members of the jury, what can you expect? He went to USC!"

Top Ten Chapter Titles In O.J. Simpson's New Book, Letterman, Nov 16, 2006:
10. People On My To-Kill List
9. Tuesdays With Robert Blake
8. The Murder Weapon: Is It Hidden In Your Town?
7. 101 Alibis For All Occasions
6. Guitar Lessons, Ballroom Dancing And Other Things I've Taken A Stab At
5. How I Killed Pat Morita
4. My Confession: I Love Pop-Tarts
3. Things I Want To Do Before I Go To Hell
2. It's Not Like I'm Blaming It On The Jews
1. If Murdering Two People Is A Crime, Then Call Me Guilty!

Heard on Conan, Nov 16, 2006:
O.J. Simpson has written a book called "If I Did It, Here's How it Happened" where he walks through how he would have committed the murders if he were guilty. Simpson says if it sells well, he's going to not kill other people and write more books about how he didn't do it.
Later this month on the Fox Network, O.J. Simpson will take part in a show called, "If I Did It." Television critics say that this is the most tasteless thing Fox has done this week.

Heard on Leno, Nov 20, 2006:
Fox has canceled the O.J. Simpson book and television special. O.J. was very upset. You have to hate people in entertainment, it's just like somebody to turn around and stab you in the back.
Canceling the show wasn't the hard part. The hard part was deciding which executive was going to tell O.J. about it.
Now O.J. will have more time to look for the real killer.

Heard on Conan, Nov 21, 2006:
The Fox network has canceled the O.J. special "If I Did It This Is How It Happened". Instead they will now air "If We Did Air It, This Is What It Would Look Like".

Heard on Conan, Nov 22, 2006:
Fox has canceled its deal with O.J. O.J. is saying that the title of the show and book was not his idea. "If I Did It This Is How It Happened" was not his idea. His idea was "When I Did It".

Heard on Leno, Nov 24, 2006:
As you know O.J. Simpson's book was canceled. He's starting a new one called "The Five People You Meet In Hell".

Heard on Leno, Dec 4, 2006:
In what is being called the upset of the season, UCLA beat USC on Saturday 13 to 9. Afterwards Michael Richards apologized for the defeat.
You know what this means? O.J. is no longer the most embarrassing thing about USC football.

Heard on Conan, Dec 12, 2006:
Over the weekend, Ohio State quarterback Troy Smith won the Heisman Trophy but today when he tried to fly home, airline security wouldn't let the Heisman Trophy onboard the plane. Apparently, the Heisman has been considered a deadly weapon ever since O.J. Simpson won one.

Top Ten Messages On O.J. Simpson's Answering Machine, Letterman, Jan 2, 2007:
10. This is Rupert Murdoch - You're not going to kill me, are you?
9. I'm calling from ABC. Want to be on our new show "Murdering With The Stars"?
8. Hey, it's Kato. Do you need to borrow some money?
7. It's the morgue. Our numbers are down. Are you on vacation?
6. Betty, your neighbor - You know who stabbed our mailbox?
5. I'm calling from Domino's. Our delivery guy was there and hasn't come back.
4. It's Gene Shalit - Now I can't use my review calling your show "A bloody good time".
3. This is the golf course confirming your killing spree time, I mean your killer tee time at 9.
2. It's Tom Cruise. Katie and I want to thank you for the lovely kitchen knives.
1. Robert Blake here - We still on for dinner?

Heard on Leno, Jan 9, 2007:
Last night Ohio State was beat by Florida in the NCAA football championship game. Troy Smith the Heisman winner and quarterback for Ohio State only threw four complete passes. It was the most embarrassing performance by a Heisman winner since O.J.

Heard on Leno, Jan 18, 2007:
It was so cold last night, O.J. had gloves on and he wasn't even killing anybody.

Heard on Conan, Jan 18, 2007:
O.J. Simpson's agent says that there are at least three offers from publishers for O.J.'s memoirs. The book will be called "Tuesday's With Stabbie".

Heard on Leno, Mar 20, 2007:
Jury selection began this week in the Phil Spector murder trial. Spector said the jury he would like to select is either the OJ jury or the Robert Blake jury.
As I'm sure you know, jury selection in Los Angeles is followed by a three part process. The bungling of the evidence, the acquittal, then the book by the defendant called, "If I Did It."
If you are not familiar with the case, legendary music producer Phil Spector is accused of shooting an actress that he just met. When Robert Blake heard about this, he was horrified. He said, "Hey, at least I took mine to dinner first."

Heard on Jimmy Kimmel, Sep 15, 2007:
O.J. is the suspect of an unusual robbery. Police are investigating whether O.J. and five other men he met at a wedding earlier that night broke into a room and stole a bunch of O.J.-related memorabilia. O.J. says it wasn't a crime because the memorabilia was stolen from him in the first place. He says he was conducting a sting operation. I love that O.J. met five other guys at a wedding and convinced them to become part of his "sting" operation.
O.J. says the whole thing was just a misunderstanding, but just to be on the safe side, he threw a couple of fake beards and sack full of 20s in his trunk.
O.J.'s new book is doing so well on Amazon.com right now, he is planning to release a book from this situation. It's called "How I would've Stolen the Sports Memorabilia From a Sports Hotel Room in Vegas -- Which I didn't Do -- but if I Did."

Heard on Leno, Sep 17, 2007:
O.J. Simpson is in jail in Nevada, charged with armed robbery. On the bright side for O.J., the Vegas room that he's in now in Vegas is fully comped.
They say that O.J. was involved in a robbery at a Las Vegas casino. There are a lot of different versions of what happened. Luckily, Patriots coach Bill Belichick was there and videotaped the whole thing.

Heard on Conan, Sep 17, 2007:
Everybody is discussing O.J. Simpson. He was arrested yesterday for armed robbery in connection with a break in at a Las Vegas hotel. When the cops cuffed him and took him to jail, O.J. was thrilled and said, "I still got it."
He continues to maintain his innocence. O.J. says there's no way he committed the crime -- because it's not "murdery" enough.

Heard on Ferguson, Sep 17, 2007:
Today is National Citizenship Day. It's is especially exciting for me because I'm still not a citizen. So I don't get to go to the big Citizenship parties in Hollywood.
Couldn't they just give me someone else's citizenship? What about O.J. Simpson's citizenship? You know what? I don't want his . . . he's already used his "Get Out of Jail Free" card.

Heard on Leno, Sep 18, 2007:
A hit has allegedly been taken out on Kevin Federline. The plot was pretty
scary: They were going to lure him to Las Vegas, then tell O.J. Kevin had some of his memorabilia.
O.J.'s biggest objection in his robbery case, is that he is being held without bail. He says that if he were anyone else but O.J., he would have been released. If he were anyone else but O.J., he'd be serving life for double murder right now.
O.J. was in Las Vegas for a wedding. He was the best man. How bad are your friends when O.J. is the best man?

Heard on Conan, Sep 18, 2007:
One of the men who was allegedly robbed by O.J. Simpson is now saying he won't press charges. In exchange O.J. has promised not to double murder the man.

Heard on Ferguson, Sep 18, 2007:
Not a great day for the American justice system. The jury is back in the Phil Spector trial. I'm not kidding -- it's a hung jury. We have a picture of the five people on the jury who think he's not guilty. There's Darth Vader, Michael Jackson, O.J. Simpson, Robert Blake, and Satan.
O.J. still in trouble. It turns out there's an audio tape of the robbery. So there's multiple witnesses and an audio tape. Now in California, that's enough to get you acquitted.

Heard on Conan, Sep 19, 2007:
Earlier today O.J. Simpson was charged with 11 criminal counts including kidnapping, robbery, and assault. Afterwards, O.J. said, "Wow. Now I really have done it all!"
O.J. was released on bail on the condition that he surrender his passport and that he not leave the United States. O.J. said, "Let me get this straight -- I can only kill people in this country?"

Heard on Ferguson, Sep 19, 2007:
Today O.J. Simpson was charged. Seven felonies. Seven felonies! He said if he knew how much trouble he was going to get into, he would have just murdered the guy.

Heard on Kimmel, Sep 19, 2007:
A lot of O.J. to cover. In case you didn't hear, O.J. is back on the loose. He was released on $125,000 bail.
He could get life in prison for all this. Kill two people, you get nothing. But steal your own football jersey -- you go away for life.

Heard on Leno, Sep 20, 2007:
O.J. Simpson was released on $125,000 bail -- or as he calls it, three jerseys, a signed pair of cleats . . . and I think a Super Bowl ring.
You why O.J. originally went to Las Vegas? For a wedding. He ends up in jail. Boy that's a bad weekend for a guy!

Heard on Kimmel, Sep 20, 2007:
O.J. Simpson is back in Florida tonight. He had to get back in time for the Wednesday night game of Yahtsee he plays with the Golden Girls.
O.J.'s flight back to Miami was uneventful -- he even flew coach, where reporters covered the trip. Reporter: "O.J. Simpson was like an average passenger on this flight -- napping, reading, fiddling with his headphones -- even watching "Ocean's Thirteen." He's even watching movies about robberies in Las Vegas.
What is with this guy? Maybe he's trying to figure out how to do it better next time.

Heard on Conan, Sep 21, 2007:
O.J. news: O.J.'s girlfriend defended O.J. She said, "I've known him for 12 years and he would not rob or kidnap anyone. I'm sorry, that's just not the double murderer I fell in love with."

Heard on Ferguson, Sep 21, 2007:
It's been a mad week. O.J. Simpson went to jail; he's out on bail. Ooo that rhymes; they'll probably use that. "He went to jail; he's out on bail. If it doesn't fit, you must acquit."
He's being prosecuted for what he did in that Las Vegas hotel room. But c'mon -- who amongst us couldn't be prosecuted for what we did in a Las Vegas hotel room?
In the other trial, the Phil Spector trial, the jury is deadlocked. It goes to show that Justice is not only blind, she's smoking crack.

Top Ten O.J. Simpson Excuses, Letterman, Sep 24, 2007:
10. It was a rare lapse in judgement
9. Thought, 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas'
8. Felt like committing a crime, but wasn't in a 'stabby' mood
7. Honestly, I miss the prison lasagna
6. Distraught after getting turned down for a hosting gig on 'The View'
5. Thought kidnapping would really round out my resume
4. The real robbery is the mini-bar prices, am I right, people?
3. Too much soup
2. Oh, like you never conducted a sting operation to steal back stolen sports memorabilia
1. C'mon, it's not like I killed somebody

Heard on Conan, Sep 24, 2007:
It's been reported that O.J. Simpson's girlfriend is younger than his daughter. When O.J. first met the woman, he said, "I can't date you. I'm old enough to murder your father."

Heard on Letterman, Sep 25, 2007:
So nice today, O.J. Simpson was stealing sun block.

Heard on Letterman, Sep 26, 2007:
Here's good news: President Bush says he has a plan to stop Iran's nuclear program. He's going to have O.J. steal Iran's plutonium.

Heard on Letterman, Sep 28, 2007:
CBS has some tremendous programs -- don't miss CSI O.J.

Heard on Letterman, Oct 3, 2007:
O.J. Simpson had to turn over his watch to the Goldman family. It's part of a tough new law in Los Angeles: Kill someone, you lose your watch.

Heard on Letterman, Oct 4, 2007:
O.J. had to surrender his wristwatch. How about O.J.'s luck? To kill somebody in one of the few states that still has a watch penalty.

Heard on Ferguson, Oct 5, 2007:
Larry Craig was in the news again. A judge blocked the senator from retracting his guilty plea. He should have gotten himself one of those rhyming lawyers like O.J. did. That's how you get out of stuff: "If the glove don't fit, you must acquit." Larry Craig would have, "He didn't tap the cop's shoe, he was just going No. 2."

Heard on Leno, Nov 1, 2007:
My Halloween was marred. Horrible incident. A kid dressed as O.J. broke into my house and stole all my candy.

Heard on Letterman, Sep 8, 2008:
It's like old times -- today is the first day of the O.J. Simpson trial.
He's in Las Vegas on trial for armed robbery this time. He's saying he just wanted to get his stuff back... his autographed jersey... his autographed football... his autographed knife...

Heard on Ferguson, Sep 8, 2008:
O.J. Simpson's trial starts today. It started with kidnapping and robbery, but on the way to the trial, he got pulled over by the police... on the way! He can't catch a break. It's almost as if the universe is trying to punish him for something.
Like some sort of karmic retribution is coming his way...

Heard on Kimmel, Sep 16, 2008:
The OJ Simpson trial started yesterday. It was exciting for me, because I was worried that my kids would not get to experience their own OJ trial.
This time he's being charged with kidnapping and robbery involving some guys who tried to sell some memorabilia he owned. I think it was his collection of Battlestar Galactica figurines.

Heard on Kimmel, Dec 8, 2008:
OJ Simpson was found guilty of burglary and other charges in Nevada. Keeping track -- double murder no prison time, stealing back your own football cards, 15 years.
The big lesson here -- if you're going to commit a crime, make sure you kill somebody.

Heard on Letterman, Dec 9, 2008:
How about OJ ... going to prison for 33 years for robbing 2 guys. Legal experts say his only mistake in robbing these two guys? He shoulda killed 'em ... then he'd be playing golf.

Heard on Conan, Dec 9, 2008:
Last week, O.J. Simpson was sentenced to up to 33 years in prison for his role in a sports memorabilia robbery. Afterwards, O.J. said, "Let that be a lesson to all you kids out there: stick to double murder."

J. D. Baldwin, Dec 6, 2008:
Apparently what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas for 15 years to life.

Heard on Leno, Dec 21, 2008:
It was so cold in Vegas, O.J. was wearing his knit cap and gloves again.

Heard on Fallon. Mar 2, 2010:
Apparently, O.J. Simpson is donating the suit he was wearing when he was acquitted of murder to the Smithsonian. I guess he is a pretty good guy after all.

Heard on Leno, May 5, 2010:
The United Nations has appointed Iran to sit on the Women's Rights panel. Also on the panel: Ben Roethlisberger, Chris Brown, Phil Spector, Robert Blake, and chairman, O.J. Simpson.

Heard on Leno, Jul 19, 2010:
O.J. Simpson's lawyer, Robert Shapiro, has agreed to represent Lindsay Lohan, but only if she agrees to go to jail. Where was this deal when O.J. was on trial?

Heard on Fallon. Jul 20, 2010:
Lindsay Lohan's lawyer, Robert Shapiro -- who was famous for representing O.J. Simpson -- quit just a few hours before she went to jail. That's gotta sting when your lawyer says, "I can't handle you anymore -- why can't you be more like O.J. Simpson?"