Thanksgiving Day Jokes

'Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned - the dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
And gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
'Til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.

I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky,
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees....
Happy eating to all, pass the cranberries, please.

May your stuffing be tasty, your turkey be plump.
Your potatoes 'n gravy have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious, your pies take the prize.
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs.

IMPORTANT HOLIDAY ADVICE

Things you CAN say at Thanksgiving and get away with!

1: Talk about a huge breast!
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: It's Cool Whip time!
4: If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5: Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6: I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat.
11: Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you stick it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18: That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19: How long do I beat it before it's ready?

TOP THEN THINGS WE ALL HAVE TO BE THANKFUL FOR ON THANKSGIVING:

10: Andy Rooney is only on TV one minute a week
9: We live in a country where we don't have to pay a lot for our mufflers
8: Fabulous East German babes now in circulation
7: Connecticut Highway Patrol still can't cross state lines
6: Jockey Underwear has no plans to replace Jim Palmer with Tip O'Neill
5: We'll be celebrating the next 44 Thanksgivings without Jim Bakker
4: Though not entirely legal, it is very easy to get away with taking a leak in a shopping mall parking lot
3: The continued good health of President Bush
2: Chess!
1: Talk show hosts who are so unselfish, they even work on Thanksgiving

TOP TEN WAYS MERV GRIFFIN CAN CUT BACK [from recent financial difficulties]:

10: No longer automatically say "yes" when kid at counter asks, "Fries with that?"
9: Up the price of a vowel
8: More "coupon-good-for-one-hug" gifts for business associates
7: Casino bookings: less Sinatra, more Sinatra Jr.
6: Make long distance crank calls to Trump after 11 PM
5: Eliminate Raymond Burr from Thanksgiving guest list
4: Read the book see the movie -- but not both
3: Order pizza from Dominos, wait 30 minutes before answering door
2: Give Nike the go-ahead for "Air Griffins"
1: Incredibly tough Final Jeopardy question

Upcoming Thanksgiving Themed Movies

30. To Kill A Walking Bird
29. What Turkeys Want
28. My Best Friend's Dressing
27. The Wishbone Collector
26. Thighs Wide Shut
25. The Texas Coleslaw Massacre
24. Gobbled In 60 Seconds
23. Casserolablanca
22. Buffy The Turkey Slayer
21. The Fabulous Baster Boys
20. Big Mommas Roast
19. 12 Hungry Men
18. Turkey Quest
17. Silence of the Yams
16. A Fistful Of Stuffing
15. A Turkey Called Wanda
14. For Love of The Game Hen
13. The Full Turkey
12. I Know What You Ate Last Winter
11. Deep Brown Gravy
10. All the President's Menu
9. Pretty Turkey
8. White Meat Can't Jump
7. When Harry Met Salad
6. Get Turkey
5. Three Menu's And A Some Gravy
4. The Story of U.S.
3. The Sixth Helping
2. Turkey Run
1. The Wing and I

How to Cook a Turkey

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

Things that Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving but Aren't...

Talk about a huge breast!
Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
It's Cool Whip time!
If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
Whew, that's one terrific spread!
I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
Are you ready for seconds yet?
It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
Don't play with your meat.
Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
You still have a little bit on your chin.
How long will it take after you stick it in?
You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
How long do I beat it before it's ready?
You have to get your hand all the way up inside.
I enjoy a good stuffing.
Just reach in and grab the giblets.
There's plenty to go round everyone.
I fancy a bit more of that.
And he forces his way into the end zone!
She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down.
It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out.
Nice bird!
Did you wash your hands first?
I can't wait to smash a couple thighs into my face.
One at a time. There's enough here for everyone.
Tastes like chicken.
I think you left it in too long.
Just try it, it's full of protein.
Something smells bad.
If it smells bad, you ain't got the right cook!
I don't like it all wet like that. I like it crispy.
Pass the butter.
I like to put gravy on everything.
Mmmm... Salty!
Who's up for more stuffing?
I'm stuffed, but I guess I could fit just one more.
Spread those legs and stuff it in there really deep!
Can you hand me a paper towel?
I'm taking a nap before round 2.
Is the dog allowed to get get some too?
Now who wants ice cream?!?
Wow... that was great... I can't wait til next year...

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!
A2: Because they can't afford any more pork
A3: Reagan ate all the jellybeans
A4: They've been having turkey FOR YEARS
A5: Because Bill is having Gennifer
A6: Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey.

Q: Why shouldn't you let OJ carve the Thanksgiving turkey?
A: He only carves white meat.

A Better Turkey
An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.
His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone.
After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"
They all asked the farmer how it tasted.
"I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

Pete: "Mmmmm... that turkey smells good and it's not even done yet. How long will it be?"
Shelly: "About the same length it was before I put it into the oven, I suppose."

Q: Why should you keep your eye off the turkey dressing?
A: Because it makes it blush!

Q: Why did the cranberries turn red?
A: Because they saw the turkey dressing.

Q: What is a turkey's favorite dessert?
A: Peach gobbler!

Q: Why was the turkey asked to join a band?
A: He could bring his own drumsticks.

Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A: A turkey that can pluck itself!

Q: What did the Turkey say to the Hunter on Thanksgiving Day?
A: Quack, Quack!

Q: Why was the jack-o-lantern afraid to cross the road?
A: It had no guts!

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi

Q: Why did the pilgrim eat a candle?
A: Because he wasn't very hungry and wanted a light snack.

Q: What was the Pilgrims' favorite kind of music?
A: Plymouth Rock

"I can't wait to go to Grandma's for Thanksgiving. My cousin's going to be there, and he has three feet!"
"Wow - how'd that happen?"
"I don't know. My aunt wrote my parents and said, 'You won't recognize little Howard - he's grown another foot!'"

I don't think I'll attend this year's Thanksgiving dinner. My wife gave me a haircut this morning. And now she said she's going to make Thanksgiving Day dinner with all the trimmings.

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

A lady was picking through frozen turkeys at a grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" "No, ma'am. They're dead," he replied.

Last Thanksgiving, I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey. Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department.

When everyone at the table takes turns saying what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught," and refuse to say anything more.

If you were asked to bring paper plates and drinks to Thanksgiving...
Your family doesn't like your cooking.

A Bird Named Steve

There once was a man named Paul. He was very quiet and nice and never yelled or sweared.
He had a bird named Steve. Steve was very rude. He was always burping, yelling, or cursing.
One day, Paul just had enough of Steve's nonsense. So he grabbed Steve by the neck and threw him in the freezer. Paul could hear the sound of Steve kicking and screaming and cussing through the freezer door. All of a sudden, the noise stopped.
Paul thought that he hurt the bird, so he went over to his fridge and opened up his freezer. Steve hopped out onto Paul's shoulder and looked him in the eyes.
"I am so very sorry for my terrible behavior. You are very kind to take care of me, and if you could find it in you heart to forgive me, I would appreciate it very much," Steve said.
"It's okay, Steve. I am sorry for doing that to you," said Paul.
"No harm done," Steve said.
Steve looked back at the freezer for a moment. "By the way, what did the Turkey do?"

Heard on Leno, Nov 22, 2006:
Today is the busiest travel day of the year. Over 38 million people will be traveling -- and that's just the people coming over from Mexico.
For those of you flying, you can only carry three ounces of gravy with you.
Thanksgiving is a day we spend with relatives. Or as Donald Rumsfeld calls it, acceptable torture.
I went down to the animal shelter and adopted a stray turkey. They taste just as good as the other ones.

Heard on Letterman, Nov 22, 2006:
Tomorrow is the big Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Sorry kids no Kramer balloon this year.
Thanksgiving is a lot of fun. All my relatives come to town. I picked mom up at the airport. It was embarrassing. We had to wait for a frozen butterball to come down the luggage pickup.
Mom is a tremendous cook though. You know how turkey makes you sleepy? Well mom figured something out to counteract that. What she does is the night before, she marinates that turkey in Red Bull.
Today President Bush pardoned two turkeys at the White House. The turkeys end up a petting zoo in Virginia. It's the same thing they did with Mark Foley.

Heard on Leno, Nov 23, 2006:
You can tell it's Thanksgiving. The price of gravy was up to $70 a barrel today.

Heard on Letterman, Nov 23, 2006:
The weather wasn't very good for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. It was so bad that Michael Richards was screaming at Al Roker.
A horrible thing happened during the parade. The Garfield balloon got loose and it killed a rat.
Did you see the Ronald McDonald balloon? I didn't think it was as much fun this year without the transfats.
We had Thanksgiving at my house. My mom lost her cell phone. We turned the place upsides down looking for it. Then later in the afternoon the turkey started to vibrate.
Dick Cheney was in Iraq visiting the troops. Because nothing says warm holiday cheer like a Dick Cheney sneer.
In Washington, D.C. a confused George W. Bush lit a menorah.

Heard on Letterman, Nov 24, 2006:
Do you get drowsy on Thanksgiving? It's the chemical in the turkey. Here's what my mom does. She has a little secret. Before she puts the turkey in the oven she puts a nicotine patch on it.
The national turkey was pardoned this week by President Bush. It was later adopted by Madonna.
There was also a second turkey that got a pardon this year - Donald Rumsfeld.
Today is the busiest shopping day of the year. I went out today. It was aggressive. I got pushed, I got shoved, I got groped. Heck I'm going back tomorrow!

David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard At The Late Show Thanksgiving Dinner, Nov 27, 2006:
10. I hear the turkey was a stupid pet trick that didn't work out.
9. So we have to do a show just because Letterman's family doesn't want him around?
8. Tryptophan? Great, one more reason for the audience to fall asleep.
7. Okay, turkey with stuffing and a slice of pie, that'll be $19.50.
6. This is more awkward than Kramer's apology.
5. Just so everyone knows, this also counts as your Christmas party.
4. Anyone who ate the creamed peas please report to the Late Show health officer.
3. Ooh, Wal-Mart wine!
2. Whenever there's free food, Regis shows up.
1. Hold Letterman down, I'll grab his toupee.

Heard on Leno, Nov 27, 2006:
It takes five hours to serve turkey in Beverly Hills. Everyone has five dads, so each needs to carve the turkey. There's the real dad, the step dad, the donor dad...
Have you heard about the tur-duck-en? Very popular. A chicken inside a duck inside a turkey. They now have Tum-alka-pepto after you eat a tur-duc-ken. It's a Tums stuck to an Alka-Seltzer covered in Pepto Bismal.

Heard on Leno, Nov 30, 2009:
Thanksgiving is over. It was kind of an awkward one for John Edwards. His relatives asked him to bring his favorite side dish, and he showed up with a cocktail waitress.

Heard on Leno, Nov 15, 2010:
This will be a rough week for President Obama. He's got a lame duck Congress, he has to pardon a turkey, he has to eat crow, and the Chinese just flipped him the bird. It's been a fowl week.

Heard on Letterman, Nov 23, 2010:
Sarah Palin has another new book. As long as somebody else is writing them for you, you can turn them out just like that.
That's right, Palin has a brand new book. And you thought Thanksgiving dinner makes you drowsy.
George W. Bush has a new book called "Decision Points". I know many of you have made a decision not to read it.

Heard on Kimmel, Nov 23, 2010:
Palin's book "America by Heart" came out today, just in time for awkward holiday gift exchanges.

Heard on Fallon, Nov 23, 2010:
The TSA has issued some special packing tips for travelers before Thanksgiving weekend. They say not to bring food, sharp tools, or any shred of dignity.

Heard on Conan, Nov 23, 2010:
A company in San Francisco is coming out with "gluttony pants" specifically designed for overeating. Or, as Americans call them, "pants".

Heard on Conan, Nov 12, 2013:
Wal-Mart announced that this Thanksgiving they are opening earlier than they ever have. Because what better way to celebrate the pilgrims' arrival than buying crap from China.

Heard on Letterman, Nov 12, 2013:
CBS has a wonderful new special. It's "Thanksgiving at the Incognitos" starring Richie Incognito. He's the bullying guy from the Miami Dolphins. In this special, Richie stuffs a turkey into a locker.

Heard on Kimmel, Nov 12, 2013:
For the first time in 32 years, Butterball is adding male staffers to their Thanksgiving turkey talk line, the phone number you can call if you are having trouble cooking your turkey. One of the guys just yells questions to his wife in the other room.
Men are taking over turkey duties partly because women are focused on a cherished Thanksgiving tradition -- shopping on Black Friday. Some retailers plan to open on Thanksgiving day itself. If you're shopping for Christmas on Thanksgiving day, you either love or really hate your family, I'm not sure which.
If only there were some kind of device that would allow us to purchase things while wearing pajamas and have them shipped directly to our homes so we wouldn't have to shop on Thanksgiving.

Heard on Leno, Nov 15, 2013:
Are you all getting ready for Thanksgiving? PETA says today's turkeys are so fat, they can't stand up, they're prone to heart attacks, and they have trouble mating. No, I'm sorry, that's what the turkeys are saying about us. I had it backward.

Heard on Leno, Nov 19, 2013:
Thanksgiving is right around the corner. As you know, the traditional Thanksgiving began in 1621 when Native Americans sat down with a bunch of undocumented pilgrims. They had dinner and the pilgrims never left.

Heard on Letterman, Nov 19, 2013:
There's a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There's also a gravy shortage. It's up to $4 a gallon. Governor Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline.

Heard on Fallon, Nov 19, 2013:
Butterball, the country's largest turkey producer, says it has a shortage of large Thanksgiving turkeys this year. Some experts say it's because of a greater demand than usual, while others say it means the turkeys are on to us.

Heard on Leno, Nov 25, 2013:
PETA says that today's turkeys are being bred to have such large breasts, they're dying of heart attacks. I don't want to be insensitive, but that's still better than getting your head chopped off.
A report issued today said half of all Americans will be facing diabetes by the year 2020. The other half will have diabetes by Friday morning.
President Obama's approval rating is at 37 percent, the lowest point of his presidency. Here's how bad it is. You know the Thanksgiving turkey he's pardoning this week? The turkey said: No pictures. It didn't want to be seen.

Heard on Letterman, Nov 25, 2013:
Are you aware of the turkey shortage? The White House has stepped in so people won't panic. They said yes, there's a turkey shortage, but don't worry, it's only a website problem.
They said if you like the turkey you had last year, you can keep the turkey you had last year.
This year Thanksgiving and the first day of Hanukkah are on the same day. I'm no theologian, but I think what that means is eight days of leftovers.
The forecast for Thursday is a wintery mix of rain, freezing rain, sleet, and snow. I feel so bad for the guy who has to deliver my pizza that day.

Heard on Kimmel, Nov 25, 2013:
Thanksgiving travel will be especially unpleasant because of the big storm. More than 500 flights out of Dallas-Fort Worth were canceled. I think this is God's way of saying: Stay home and overcook your own turkey.

Heard on Fallon, Nov 25, 2013:
They're saying a major winter storm is heading east, which could affect millions of Americans on the busiest travel day of the year. Bad news is, you won't get to break the wishbone with your relatives this year. The good news is, that's probably the wish you made last year.

Heard on Leno, Nov 26, 2013:
In 1941, Congress ruled that the fourth Thursday in November would officially be observed as Thanksgiving Day - thus making it the last time Congress accomplished anything.
You can tell Thanksgiving is getting closer. In fact, today, five turkeys from the United States showed up at the Moscow airport seeking asylum.
The traditional Thanksgiving began in what year? 1621. And soon afterward, the Indians realized they had a failed immigration policy.

Heard on Letterman, Nov 26, 2013:
Thanksgiving is the best. I was so pleased last year. Things were going great, having a lot of fun, the house was full of people, everybody getting along - and then I realized that by mistake I had picked up the wrong family at the airport.
I remember one year Mom was fixing Thanksgiving dinner, the turkey is in the oven, and she's tearing the house apart looking for her cellphone. Later, we're all sitting down to eat and the turkey starts to ring.
For the first time this year, the Butterball turkey hotline has male operators answering the phone. Depending on your turkey needs, you can request a female operator, a male operator, a male operator dressed as a female operator, or a female operator with a mustache.

Heard on Kimmel, Nov 26, 2013:
It's that special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to look at their cellphones. And I'm going to start dinner by telling my parents I'm gay. It never gets old!
After Thanksgiving, we take a sharp nose-dive into what is probably the worst day of the year, Black Friday. Some shoppers have been sleeping outside the stores since Monday of last week. That is nuts - and a very good way to get on the local news.

Betabrand Cordarounds http://betabrand.com/ and http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-wear-it-like-it-is-cordarounds-gluttony-pants/

Thanksgiving Quotes http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/11/24/funny-thanksgiving-quotes_n_788018.html
Jon Stewart: "I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."
Jim Gaffigan: "Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'"
Stephen Colbert: "Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car."
Kevin James: "Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants."
Jack Handey: "If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, 'Boy, these are good cigars!'"
Jay Leno: "You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out."
Johnny Carson: "Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often."
George Carlin: "We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing."
Greg Proops: Ever since you're little you hear this: 'The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.' But even when you're little you're like, 'Umm.. Bullsh*t?'"

Heard on Colbert, Nov 23, 2015:
This Thanksgiving I'm feeling a little betrayed because it has just been revealed that the grocery store labels on the turkey mean very little. Fresh, young, natural, meaningless.
Apparently fresh turkey just means it's not fully frozen. Young turkey means they weren't allowed to die of old age. Natural turkey has the same legal standing as cheez with two Es and a Z and wild turkey means you're too drunk to care anymore.
The point is it seems like the only ones you can trust these days are the good people at Butterball. They're all about helping you understand your turkey. In fact, Butterball's been running a toll-free hotline for turkey-cooking tips since 1981.
Every year the turkey talk line receives more than 100,000 phone calls, but sadly, they have not once been able to save the turkey's life.
While the hotline opens on November 2nd, not surprisingly the volume peaks on Thanksgiving Day, so right now, Butterball is paying Turkey experts to sit by the phone. But no one is calling.

Heard on Fallon, Nov 24, 2015:
I saw that NBC has officially granted Mike Huckabee, John Kasich, Jim Gilmore and Lindsey Graham free airtime to equal Donald Trump's recent Saturday Night Live appearance. When asked how they'll feature the candidates, NBC was like, "Let's just say the Thanksgiving Day Parade just got a few more clowns."
I heard that AMC will broadcast a marathon of the entire "Godfather" trilogy on Thanksgiving. So if you want to watch a dramatic family falling apart on Thanksgiving - now you've got TWO ways to do that.

Heard on Meyers, Nov 21, 2017:
Pringles has launched several new potato chip flavors including turkey, stuffing, mashed potato, green bean casserole, and pumpkin pie. Or as single dads call it, "Thanksgiving!"

Thanksgiving Information http://www.thanksgiving.com/

Cooking Butterball Turkeys http://www.butterball.com/

Thanksgiving Turkey Mistakes Everyone Makes https://www.buzzfeed.com/christinebyrne/turkey-mistakes-everyone-makes

Thanksgiving Turkey Mistakes Everyone Makes https://www.buzzfeed.com/jesseszewczyk/how-to-make-thanksgiving-turkey

How to fry a turkey barry/barry.html

Deep-fried Turkey http://www.gumbopages.com/food/poultry/fried-turk.html

Shatner on how not to fry a turkey http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/12/01/william-shatner-deep-frie_n_375428.html http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYkRF_FmD40

Why do frozen turkeys explode when deep-fried? https://phys.org/news/2021-11-frozen-turkeys-deep-fried.html

The Physics Of Why You Must Never Deep Fry A Frozen Turkey https://www.forbes.com/sites/startswithabang/2020/11/26/the-physics-of-why-you-must-never-deep-fry-a-frozen-turkey/?sh=3baf351316f4

What happens if you deep fry a frozen turkey? https://bigthink.com/starts-with-a-bang/what-happens-deep-fry-frozen-turkey/

100 proof turkey http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/23/100proof-turkey-is-infuse_n_367516.html

Palin Interviewed As Turkeys Killed http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/11/21/politics/main4624103.shtml and http://www.google.com/search?q=sarah+palin+turkey+slaughter+video

KTUU 2008 Sarah Palin turkey interview http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/11/20/sarah-palin-holds-news-co_n_145375.html and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-kjM1asH-8

Top Ten Sarah Palin Excuses from David Letterman, Nov 24, 2008:
10. I can see Russia, but I can't see what's going on five feet behind me.
9. Not thinking straight after spending all night reading every newspaper and magazine.
8. Damn 'gotcha' media got me again!
7. My Remington shotgun says I don't need an excuse.
6. Those were al-Qaida turkeys.
5. I thought they were just torturing the little guy.
4. I mean, doggonit, you know, like we have to lower taxes, and like, it all falls under job security, and we need to drill, you know?
3. Uh, stomach flu?
2. I'll get right back to ya! I'm still adorable, America.
1. Don't blame me! Blame Joe the turkey slaughterer!

Turducken -- a Turkey stuffed with a Chicken stuffed with a Duck http://www.chefpaul.com/turducken.html and http://ismybrain.com/~jsalmon/turducken.html and http://origins.colorado.edu/~kachun/turducken.shtml and http://www.cajunstuff.com/store/turducken_faqs.php and http://www.thesalmons.org/lynn/turducken.html

Cthulken: A scary next-level turducken with octopus and crab legs http://www.latimes.com/food/dailydish/la-dd-cthulken-turducken-hybrid-20131216-dto,0,3785038.htmlstory and http://imgur.com/5lYIhbt

Extreme Turducken: The Top 10 Multi-Bird Roasts http://ovens.reviewed.com/features/extreme-turducken-the-top-10-multi-bird-roasts

Behold The Cthurkey, An Octopus-Stuffed Turkey With Crab Legs http://www.foodiggity.com/behold-the-cthurkey-an-octupus-stuffed-turkey-with-crab-legs/

Woman Makes Edible Roasted Alien Facehugger, And Now She's "Not Allowed To Make It For Thanksgiving" https://www.boredpanda.com/thanksgiving-alien-facehugger-turkey-36monsters/

And top it off with Chrissy Caviar http://www.chrissycaviar.com/

Pattern to make your own paper turkey http://papertoys.com/turkey.htm

La Caja China "the Chinese box" can roast a whole pig in under 4 hours http://www.lacajachina.com/

Thanksgiving Stuff-a-bration at Pumpkin Nook http://pumpkinnook.com/

Pumpktris, Tetris embedded in a pumpkin http://www.hahabird.com/2012/10/pumpktris/

Send a Thanksgiving online greeting card http://www.123greetings.com/events/thanksgiving/

Thanksgiving greetings from http://www.thanksgivinggreetings.net/

Thanksgiving cards http://www.thanksgiving-cards.net/

Thanksgiving games and activities for children http://www.101kidz.com/holidays/thanksgiving/ and http://hometown.aol.com/Panda34911/Thanks/HolidayFunPg12Thanks.html and http://www.bristolvaschools.org/mwarren/thanksgiving_activities.htm

Turkey Trivia Quiz http://home.aristotle.net/Thanksgiving/trivia.asp

Thanksgiving greetings from the Holiday Spot http://www.theholidayspot.com/thanksgiving/

Thanksgiving Day Hindi Word List http://www.hindipod101.com/hindi-vocabulary-lists/thanksgiving-day-in-the-united-states

6 Ways Jews Shaped Thanksgiving https://www.aish.com/jw/s/6-Ways-Jews-Shaped-Thanksgiving.html

Thanksgiving from Mini's Cyber Kitchen http://www.cyber-kitchen.com/holidays/thanksgiving/

Thanksgiving recipes http://thanksgivingrecipe.com/

Thanksgiving links http://holidays.bfn.org/thanksgiving/

Thanksgiving links from the Twilight Bridge http://www.twilightbridge.com/hobbies/festivals/thanksgiving/index.htm

Martha Stewart Thanksgiving http://www.marthastewart.com/thanksgiving and http://www.sirius.com/marthastewartlivingradio

How to make pumpkin pie http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=GM26534313

The Muppet Show. Swedish Chef - Rroasted Turkey (ep.4.08) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-OFXUaMIv8

A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2iv7QufAn0

WKRP in Cincinnati "Turkeys Away" Best Part https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLwidmacaRA

WKRP in Cincinnati "Turkeys Away" Full Episode https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Zuj3dwZl64

The World's First Twurkey! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmRUgfkvnbg

If you over-eat, compare your excesses with the Illustrious Artie Lange in his Tales of Tub at http://artielangedeathwatch.com/

Instead of exploding, try imploding at Implosion World http://www.implosionworld.com/

Twinkie diet helps nutrition professor lose 27 pounds http://edition.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/11/08/twinkie.diet.professor/index.html

Augmented Eating with Arm-A-Dine https://www.theverge.com/tldr/2018/11/22/18107810/robot-feeding-arm-chest-mounted-social-augmented-eating

Here's How You Should Actually Be Eating Thanksgiving Leftovers https://www.buzzfeed.com/christinebyrne/thanksgiving-leftovers

New research points to a connection between food comas and long-term memories https://medicalxpress.com/news/2019-10-food-comas-long-term-memories.html

Turkey and chicken poop have untapped energy potential: One day, our Thanksgiving turkeys may be cooked deliciously with poultry poo. https://www.popsci.com/environment/poultry-poop-energy/

People Foods to Avoid Feeding Your Pets https://www.aspca.org/pet-care/animal-poison-control/people-foods-avoid-feeding-your-pets

How much chocolate can a dog eat? https://www.vets-now.com/dog-chocolate-toxicity-calculator/

Chocolate could kill your dog https://news.mongabay.com/2005/08/chocolate-could-kill-your-dog/