Christmas Jokes
Why did Santa Claus take his Christmas tree to the dentist?
To get a root canal.
Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
Because the angel had said, "No L!"
Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
He was feeling crummy.
Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.
Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him.
Why is it so cold on Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrrrrrrr!
Why is the month of December so popular?
It has a lot of dates.
From [email protected] Sat Nov 30 16:54:35 1996
From: Melanie Aultman <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Wanted: Christmas Jokes
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Date: Fri, 29 Nov 1996 20:51:30 -0500
If Santa rode a motorcycle, what kind would it be?
A Holly Davidson.
What is claustrophobia?
Fear of Santa.
Knock. Knock.
Who's there?
Hanna.
Hanna who?
Hanna partridge in a pear tree.
What is a computer's favorite Christmas carol?
Array in a Manger.
How would you fire Santa?
Give him the sack...
What did Santa say when his toys misbehaved?
Toys will be toys.
From xyzzy.com!wocka-wocka-request Thu Dec 19 13:24:15 1996
Date: Thu, 19 Dec 1996 10:14:47 -0800
Subject: holiday paranoia
(i think you know the tune to this one..)
You'd better watch out,
You'd better not cry,
You'd better not pout;
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.
He's bugging your room,
He's reading your mail,
He's keeping a file
And running a tail.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.
He hears you in the bedroom,
Surveills you out of doors,
And if that doesn't get the goods,
Then he'll use provocateurs.
So -- you mustn't assume
That you are secure.
On Christmas Eve
He'll kick in your door.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.
[Supposedly written for and sung at a US Department of Justice,
Office of Legal Counsel Christmas party]
keep looking over your shoulder,
rachel perkins * http://www.idiom.com/~rachel
web grrl * "bah." * [email protected]
From xyzzy.com!wocka-wocka-request Thu Nov 20 17:21:16 1997
Date: Thu, 20 Nov 1997 15:20:00 -0700
Subject: Holiday Tips from Martha
The following are the entries submitted in the Washington Post's "Style
Invitational," a weekly humor contest. This time, folks were asked to submit
entries for Martha Stewart's December-January calendar. (The winning entry,
by the way, is shown for Jan 31.)
Dec 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray-paint gold, turn upside
down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
Dec 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
answering machine.
Dec 3 Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones,
fashion cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
Dec 4 Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives,
so that they're all ready to be mailed the moment the death occurs.
Dec 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
Dec 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
Dec 7 Debug Windows 95.
Dec 10 Finish needlepoint colostomy bag cozy.
Dec 11 Buy some cockroaches from the less fortunate; decorate eggs.
Dec 12 Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault.
Remove air, replace with nitrogen.
Dec 13 Visit crematorium. Collect dentures.
They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
Dec 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
Dec 15 Replace air in minivan tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires
are shot out at the mall.
Dec 17 Childproof the Christmas tree with garlands of razor wire.
Dec 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same
height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
Dec 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg white and roll in confectioner's sugar to add
a festive sparkle to the pasture.
Dec 21 Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers.
Dec 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank.
Dec 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas.
Dec 24 Do my annual good deed: Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in
last-minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate
than they really are.
Dec 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with
homemade potpourri.
Dec 26 Write and mail Christmas thank-yous. Order cards for next Christmas.
Estimate number of cards needed by allowing for making new friends and
actuarially appropriate death rates for current friends and relatives.
Dec 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
Dec 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each
time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
Jan 1 Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees.
Do all cooking for 1997.
Jan 3 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
Jan 5 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
cinnamon sticks.
Jan 7 Lay Faberge egg.
Jan 8 Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's shoe inserts into
heat pump.
Jan 10 Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years.
Jan 13 Spin silk cord to garrotte squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and
hand-write staff their dismissal notes.
Jan 15 MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.
Jan 16 Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
Jan 20 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
Jan 21 Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
Jan 23 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
Jan 25 Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal
address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of all the people
you do not know.
Jan 26 Review the Christmas '95 show and try to understand why Julia Child is
much beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew.
Jan 28 Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
Jan 31 Gild lilies.
From xyzzy.com!wocka-wocka-request Mon Dec 8 18:12:05 1997
Date: Mon, 08 Dec 1997 18:10:08 EST
Subject: Ebonix Xmas
An Ebonics Christmas Carol
'Twas da night befo' Christmas & all in the hood,
Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good.
The tube socks was hung on the window sill
and we all had smiles up on our grill.
Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib,
wit me in the back bedroom, cuz that's how we live.
And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine,
had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine.
When all of a sudden a lowrider rolled by,
Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system was fly.
I bounced to the window at a quarter pas'
'Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's ass!
I yelled to my lady, "Yo bitch peep this!"
She said, "Stop frontin' & just mind yo' bidness."
I said, "For real ho, come check dis out!"
We weren't even buggin', no worries, no doubt.
Cuz bumpin' an thumpin' from around da way
Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a mo'fuckin' sleigh.
Da beats was a-kickin', da ride it was phat.
I said, "Yo red Dawg, you all phuckin' that!"
He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz,
"Ay yo, give it up, let's go make some noise!"
To the top of the projects & across the strip mall,
Yo Santa was movin', dem deers they could haul!
He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof,
and sippin' on a 40, he busted a move.
I yelled up to Santa, "Yo, I ain't got no stack!"
He said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack!
"But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz
I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."
Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings:
a credit card, a knife, and a small bobby pin.
He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat,
and busted the window wit' a big baseball bat.
I said, "Whassup, Santa? Why y'all bustin' my place?"
He said, "You best get on up an' out my face!"
His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold,
His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old.
He dropped down the duffle, Clippers logo on the side.
Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.
A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof,
He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof
He jumped in his hooptie wit' rims made of chrome,
And left to go tap that booty waitin' at home.
But I heard him still yellin', as he left on his romp,
"Yo, don't tell da man! I'm still on workman's comp!
Ebonics Crimmus Pome
Wuz de nite befo Crimmus
An' all ober de hood
ereybody wuz sleepin'
Dey wuz sleepin' good.
We hunged up our stocken
And hoped like de heck
That ol' Sanna Claus
Be bringin' our check!
All o' de fambily
Wuz layin' in de beds
While Ripple and Thunderbird
Dance tru dey heads.
I passed out in de flo
Right next to my maw
When I heard sech a fuss, I thunk
"It must be de law!"
I looked out thru de bars
What covered my doe
Spectin' de sheriff
Wif a warrant fo sho!
And what did I see?
I said, "Lawd, look at dat!"
Ther' wuz a huge watta-melon
Pulled by giant warf rats!
Now ober all de years
Sanna Claus, he be white
But, looks like us bros
Gets a black Sanna dis night.
Faster dan a po'lees car;
My home boy, he came.
He whupped on dem warf rats
And called dem by name!
On Leroy, on 'Lonzo,
And on Willie Lee,
On Saphire, on Chenequa;
Dey wuz a site to see!
As he landed dat watta-melon
Out der in de skreet
I knowed fo sho
Da damndest site I ebber did see!
He didn't go down no chimbley;
He picked da lock on my doe.
And I sez to myself,
"Shit, he done dis befoe!"
He had dis big bag
Full of prezents I 'spect
Wid Air Jordans and fake gold
To wear 'roun my neck.
But he left no good prezents;
just started stealin' my shit.
Got my drugs, got my guns,
Even got my burglen's kit!
Wit my stuff in de bag
Out da window he flewed
I woulda tried to catch him
But he stole my knife too!
He jumped on dat watta-melon
An' whipped out a switch
He wuz gone in a secon',
dat sonuvabitch!
Next year I be hopin'
Anutha Sanna we git
Cuz diz here Sanna Claus
Just ain't werf a shit!
From [email protected] Sat Dec 13 16:20:27 1997
From: "Mike Smith" <[email protected]>
Subject: Xmas Parodies
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Date: Fri, 12 Dec 1997 08:17:40 -0000
Grandma Got Pulled Over
Sung to the tune: Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer
[Chorus:]
Grandma got pulled over by a trooper,
Driving home from our house Christmas Eve,
When you're on the road and doing sixty
It's not a good idea for you to weave
She'd been drinking too much bourbon,
And she downed a whole six pack
And with all her medication,
I'm surprised she did not have a heart attack
We got her out Christmas morning,
At the local county jail,
Seems that Grandpa likes to gamble
So he asked us kids to please put up her bail
CHORUS
Now, we're all ashamed of Grandma
We're not taking this so well,
And in our church the brand new Preacher
Points Grandma out and says she's going to Hell!
It won't be fun without our Grandma,
The Judge gave her sixty days
And we just can't help but wonder,
Will this finally cause her to change her ways?
CHORUS
Now her goose is cooked for good
And Grandpa has flipped his wig
We'll be counting all those days
While Grandma serves her time locked in a brig
I warned all my friends and neighbors,
Better watch out for your lives!
They should never give a license
To an old woman who drinks a lot and drives!
CHORUS
Sing it, Grandpa!
From [email protected] Wed Dec 24 12:37:00 1997
From: [email protected] (Jim Moore Jr)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Christmas Controversies
Date: Wed, 24 Dec 1997 10:41:42 GMT
CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?
YUPPIE: Live tree, planted after use
MALE: Fake tree, discarded after use
FEMALE: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with furballs
CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
YUPPIE: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
MALE: Bulbs flash logo of football team
FEMALE: Elegant flickering candles
REALITY: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down
CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
YUPPIE: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype
MALE: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt
FEMALE: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas
REALITY: Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts
CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel?
YUPPIE: Empower each strand w/self-determining skills
MALE: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree
FEMALE: Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti
REALITY: More icicles on floor than on tree
CONTROVERSY: Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or Morning
YUPPIE: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules
MALE: Anytime, just so it doesn't interfere with football
FEMALE: Anytime the entire family is present
REALITY: Doesn't matter, everyone's peeked anyway
CONTROVERSY: Ham or Turkey for Christmas Dinner
YUPPIE: Baked Tofu Balls stuffed with wheat germ
MALE: Anything, as there's plenty of both it and beer
FEMALE: A meal the entire family plans and prepares
REALITY: Chinese carry-out or McDonald's
From daytimer.com!james_black Thu Dec 17 09:21:16 1998
Subject: Twas the Night After Christmas
Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 08:19:12 -0600
'Twas the Night After Christmas
By Jeff Foxworthy
'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys,
and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,
the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives.
My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog started barkin',
I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus,
and you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like?"
The Sheriff replied, "He's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,
that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.
He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said.
"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."
Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten,
and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's.
But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.
Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun,
when outta Red's chimney this feller did run.
And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'.
I thought he'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'.
So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!"
But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.
So I popped a warning shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."
From [email protected] Thu Dec 10 20:51:15 1998
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Microsoft Christmas
Date: 03 Dec 1998 23:49:35 GMT
MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.
Page Maker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To [email protected]
Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way
>From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. And don't you be late,
>From now on Christmas runs only on Win98.
More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! Now, CLARIS! Now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,
It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist.
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.
Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"
And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.
The Night before Christmas... Biker Style
"Twas the night before Christmas, and all round the pad,
there was nada happenin', and that's nowhere, Dad.
The stove was dressed out in that stocking routine,
In hopes that the Fat Boy would soon make the scene.
With our bellies all stuffed full of tacos and beer,
Me and the bride hit the couch for some cheer.
When out in the yard there arose such a racket,
I ran for the door pulling on my old jacket.
I saw this old geezer on a '57 Pan,
Wearin' boots and black leather, a real biker man.
His eyes how they twinkled under eyebrows so thick,
I knew right away that this dude was Saint Nick.
"'Scuse me, Brother," his voice how it rumbled down low,
"Have you got some spare wrenches? My scooter won't go."
"I was flyin' along when she started to get hot,
Then she sputtered and coughed, and died on the spot."
That bike was all covered with stuffed leather bags
holding brightly wrapped presents with ribbons and tags.
Saint Nick he was frantic, his face wore a frown.
"The children are waiting. I can't let them down."
I said, "Wheel it in, Man! We'll get that Pan tickin'
"We've got leftover tacos, if you don't mind chicken."
"If we can't get it running in an hour or so,
You can borrow MY bike -- just load it and go."
So we pushed it on in and unhitched the load,
I could fix what was busted and he'd be back on the road.
As I puzzled and muttered over that righteous ride,
He scuffed on the doormat and went on inside.
He was back in a flash, tacos piled on a plate
And a glass of skim milk that he sipped as he ate.
"It started to clatter," he said round a bite,
"It started to miss, then just quit outright"
"It's just been rebuilt from the frame up this year,
But I guess it's a good thing that I broke down here.
From the looks of the sleds that're lined up out back,
You're a man with the skill to put me back on track."
"You're good to go now," I said, wiping my hands,
"It was a quick fix, you can get on with your plans.
"The coil wire got snagged and pulled off, don't you see,
So when you get on, be careful with your knee."
We put the bags on and he zipped up his jacket,
Then he kicked it to life with rumble - not racket.
He settled his cap and said, "Say, would you mind --
If I road-test this pig to make sure that she's fine?'
Flames shot from the pipes as he sped down the street,
Then back by he came and that bike sounded sweet.
He pulled up the bars on that Pan hung with sacks,
And that bike hit the roof like it was running on tracks.
I couldn't help staring as he shifted the tranny,
But I had to go in -- I was freezing my fanny.
When down through the chimney he fell with a crash,
And out of the woodstove he came dragging his stash.
With a twinkling eye, he passed out the loot,
A new jacket for her and some parts for my scoot.
He patted her ass and then shook my hand,
Spun on his heel and up the stovepipe he ran.
From up on the roof came a great peal of thunder,
As that mighty V-twin tore the silence asunder.
As he roared into the night, he waved and he cried,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good ride."
From [email protected] Sat Dec 19 14:05:21 1998
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: clinton's Xmas gift
Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1998 14:10:53 -0600
Q: What did Bill Clinton get his wife for Christmas?
A: Anything but flowers!
From tru Thu Dec 3 08:32:11 1998
Subject: 10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas
Date: Thu, 03 Dec 1998 08:32 -0500 (EST)
10. Did you get any under the tree?
9. I think your balls are hanging low!
8. Check out the one on Rudolph!
7. Boy, Santa's sack is really bulging!
6. Lift up the skirt so it can get some air!
5. Would you like some pie?
4. I love to lick the end until it gets real hard and pointy!
3. From here it's hard to tell if they're real or fake!
2. Would you like to try some dark meat?
1. To get it to stand up straight, prop it up against the wall.
From [email protected] Tue Jan 5 22:42:15 1999
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Christmas Cards for the Psychiatrically Challenged
From: [email protected] (Tim Rolfe)
Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 3:20:00 PST
SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
NARCISSISTIC: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees
and Fire Hydrants and . . .
PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me
PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
Maybe I'll Tell You Why
DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is Lonely
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
........ (better start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love
Gave To Me (and then took it all away)
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
From [email protected] Thu Dec 23 22:15:42 1999
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Xmas Balls
Date: Thu, 23 Dec 1999 20:50:11 -0000
Q: What's a similarity between a priest and a Christmas tree?
A: The balls are just for decoration.
From [email protected] Thu Dec 23 22:16:22 1999
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: The Cat's Christmas
Date: Fri, 24 Dec 1999 00:10:56 -0000
'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.
'Cuz the cat had pounced on him
and tore him apart-
Ate his mousey intestines
And chewed up his heart.
Kitty thought he heard sleighbells,
which made him take pause-
He stopped daintily lickng
the blood from his claws.
"Must be Santa" thought Kitty
(that quite clever cat)
'Cuz nobody else climbs down
the chimney like that.
Indeed it was ol' Santa,
so jolly and fat
With a load of presents
and all for the cat!
"Wow, the best Christmas ever!"
Kitty thought with a purr,
Then he coughed up a hairball
and shed some more fur.
TOP TEN CHRISTMAS MOVIES IN TIMES SQUARE
10. Hot Buttered Elves
9. Santa's Magic Lap
8. Babes in Boyland
7. Crisco Kringle
6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
4. Not-So-Tiny Tim
3. Santa Goes Round-The-World
2. The Nutcracker Swede
1. I'm not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
Christmas Carols
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "YOU MUST each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and he pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them
and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised
eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols.
From [email protected] Fri Dec 22 20:14:51 1989
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: the Quayles' Christmas Card
From: [email protected] (David W. Tamkin)
Date: 21 Dec 89 17:28:28 GMT
Reply-To: [email protected] (David W. Tamkin)
James Danforth and Marilyn Tucker Quayle have sent out their thirty thousand
Christmas cards. The inscription read, "May our nation continue to be a
beakon of light unto the world."
A spokesperson for the Vice President responded to reporters who asked about
the letter K, "We thought it was the Old English spelling." Yeah, sure.
No one questioned the redundancy in "beacon of light" as far as I know.
From [email protected] Wed Jan 17 23:25:45 1990
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Cyclops jokes
From: [email protected] (Steven M. Boker)
Date: 15 Jan 90 17:49:27 GMT
Organization: Data Transforms, Denver, CO
Q: What do you call a set of cyclops siamese twins?
A: A bicyclops built for two.
Q: What do you call the fat cyclops that delivers presents on Christmas?
A: Santa Clops
From [email protected] Mon Jan 1 05:20:47 1990
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Grad Student Xmas Songs
From: [email protected] (Doug Hay)
Date: 31 Dec 89 08:20:05 GMT
Here is a bunch of songs that a fellow grad student here
(Gordon Strachan) in the Electrical and Computer Engineering
Dept made up for our dept Xmas party.
They definitely have a grad student bent, but they are damn funny.
To the tune of "Jingle Bells"
Thesis time!
Thesis time!
Thesis time has come!
Oh what hell it is to write
When you don't have much to say, Hey!
Results don't match,
Theory's worse,
Your Prof's on holidays
You just want to chuck it all, and get the hell away.
Working overtime, eighteen hour days,
For the last three months, you've been in a haze.
Latex and Troff, you see them in your dreams
You think you will die
Least that's the way it seems, Oh!
Thesis time!
Thesis time!
Thesis time has come!
Oh what hell it is to write
When you don't have much to say, Hey!
Monica,
in her note
Said you must submit
It's enough to give you hives, and to vomit.
Equations to typeset, forty pages more,
Oh what fun it is, when E-Q-N aborts.
All of your class mates, are laughing in your face,
But then again next term,
It will be their turn, Oh!
Thesis time!
Thesis time!
Thesis time has come!
Oh what hell it is to write
When you don't have much to say, Hey!
Time has come
Its all done
The signatures are writ
You are now available for employment.
To the tune of "Silent Night"
Study Night
Working Night
Labs to mark, forty more.
They're so long it'll take 'till dawn
Don't know why they B.S.'d so much
Christ! I need some sleep
Christ! I need some sleep
Study Night
Working Night
Projects due, assignments too
Why did I take E L E 6 0 4
We haven't slept since Tuesday morn
Christ! I need some sleep
Christ! I need some sleep
Study Night
Working Night
Cleaner shakes, me awake
Through the fog we struggle on
With the dawn we must be done
Christ! I need some sleep
Christ! I need some sleep
To the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"
God-Damn this stupid program here refuses to compile
I don't know what the matter is, been searching for a while
Syntax error line ninety three, it makes no sense to me
Oh-h, I want my program to compile, to compile
Oh-h I want my program to compile
Assignment's due tomorrow noon by then it must be done
As you can well imagine I'm not having any fun
I don't know why I have such luck, I think this thing hates me!
Oh-h, I want my program to compile, to compile
Oh-h I want my program to compile
To the tune of "White Christmas"
I'm dreaming of a signed thesis,
With every chapter that I write.
May the readers love it,
Say good things of it,
And then, sign it right away.
I'm dreaming of a signed thesis,
So I can get my damned degree.
I need to finish,
So I can visit,
My home, and my family.
I'm dreaming of a signed thesis,
Just like the one my room-mate got.
Just three names on it,
Means 'proval of it,
And then, I can go away.
To the tune of "Deck the Halls"
Find mistakes and take the marks off, Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, ha ha ha ha
We're TA's and we enjoy it, Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, ha ha ha ha
Sit we down now, to our marking, Ha-ha-ha ha-ha-ha, ha ha ha
We can really have some fun, Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, ha ha ha ha
Hide from students to avoid them, Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, ha ha ha ha
If they find us, we abuse them, Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, ha ha ha ha
When they ask us stupid questions, Ha-ha-ha ha-ha-ha, ha ha ha
Then we do like to confuse them, Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, ha ha ha ha
Proctor finals at the term end, Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, ha ha ha ha
Then we sit there laughing at them, Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, ha ha ha ha
Never give a truthful answer, Ha-ha-ha ha-ha-ha, ha ha ha
We're TA's and we enjoy it, Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, ha ha ha ha
From [email protected] Fri Sep 21 19:16:53 1990
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: New Isms for the 90s
From: [email protected] (Ranjit Bhatnagar)
Date: 17 Sep 90 23:30:07 GMT
New Crossbred ISMs for the 90's
Christmasochism: "It's December 23rd! I must get to the mall!"
Blaspheminism: "Take the patriarchy and stuff it up your Messiah."
Antisocialism: "The heart of the Nation is the worker who works alone."
Intercommunism: "The proletariat shall not rest until the means of communication have been wrested from the hands of the bourgoisie."
Andy Cappitalism: "Lend me five quid, luv?" "Cor, you're not investing in S&Ls again!?"
Parterrorism: "Take this plane to Cuba or we overwater the flower garden!"
Robotulism: "And in Detroit, another six dozen industrial welders succumbed to Mrs Dorfmann's canned beans today, bringing the total costs to..."
Superegotism: "My conscience is bigger than yours."
Seconaltruism: "I love humanity... as long as I take these pills twice a day."
Salad Barbarism: "Emperor! The Vandals demand croutons! And forty stone of cress!"
Rose Bolshevism: "...with just two minutes on the clock, Leningrad needs two touchdowns to take the game..."
Siliconservatism: "Keep the Free Market free of foreign memory chips!"
ACLUphemism: "I hear your son is a card carrying member of the- um- the Willie Horton Fan Club."
Kleenexorcism: "In the name of the Lord, SNEEZE the devil right out of ya!"
Hey Judaism: "Don't make it bad. Take a Seder song and make it better..."
Cecil B. DeMilitarism: "Rambo III, sweatier than ever, kills a cast of thousands!"
Frayed Nazism: "We don't serve Strings in this bar."
Malaproptimism: "It'll come out alright in the wash."
Tresspacifism: "We're occupying this missile base until the arms reduction treaty is signed."
Lollipopulism: "There's a Sucker born every minute."
Max Headrheumatism: "Wh- wh- where's my Ben GGGGGay?"
Sadism so!: "Shoeless Joe Jackson was suspended for whipping a batboy..."
Aerosolipsism: "Just one person using flourocarbons won't make a difference..."
original isms by RB 21 aug 90
From [email protected] Mon Dec 10 22:26:38 1990
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Twisted Christmas Tunes
From: [email protected] (Robert Mayer)
Date: 9 Dec 90 22:26:43 GMT
This is just a little something that someone I know composed last year
To the best of my knowledge it has never before appeared on the net.
The Night Before Christmas
Twas the night befor Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"
He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"
Brought to you by Swaycone. Merry Christmas everyone!
From [email protected] Sun Mar 1 21:41:44 1992
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Radio Shack
From: [email protected] (Rodney Sinclair)
Date: 1 Mar 92 09:30:04 GMT
During the Christmas advertising season, I finally figured out why the U.S.
has lost its competitive edge:
Radio Shack is America's technology store.
From: [email protected] (FLOUNDERING IN A QUANTUM SEA...)
Date: 9 Dec 1993 20:56 PST
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Christmas Carolines
A few yuletide parodies to warm the cockles of your hearts:
"Slave Caravan"
Slave chains ring,
Are you listening?
In the air,
Whips are whistling.
A beautiful sight;
A flogging tonight.
Travelling with the slave caravan.
Gone away
Is their freedom.
Sell 'em to
Whoever needs 'em.
A beautiful sight;
A flogging tonight.
Travelling with the slave caravan.
In the meadow we can raze a village.
We can burn it right down to the ground!
And then we will rape and we will pillage,
Or maybe it's the other way around.
Late at night,
We'll conspire.
As we sit,
By the fire.
And face unafraid,
The foes that we made,
Travelling with the slave caravan.
"The Restroom Door Said 'Gentlemen'"
The restroom door said 'Gentlemen'
So I just walked inside.
I took two steps and realized
I'd been taken for a ride.
I heard high voices,
Turned and found the place was occupied
By three nuns,two old ladies and a nurse.
What could be worse
Than three nuns, two old ladies and a nurse?
The restroom door said 'Gentlemen'
It must have been a gag.
As soon as I walked in
I ran into some old hag.
She sprayed me with a can of mace
And hit me with her bag.
It just wasn't turning out oto be my day.
What can I say?
It just wasn't turning out to be my day!
The restroom dood said 'Gentlemen'
And I would like to find
The crummy little creep
who had the nerve to switch the sign.
'Cause I've got two black eyes
And one high heel up my behind.
Now I'll never sit in comfort or joy.
Boy oh boy!
Now I'll never sit in comfort or joy.
From: [email protected] (Anthony Anello)
Date: 9 Dec 1993 19:39:07 GMT
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: XMAS SONG PARODY
Heard on radio:
(not exact)
See the silk, ain't it glistening?
Don't have the wiiiiiiifes permission
The silk pantyhose, will curl your toes
walkin' 'round in women's underwear
In the store, there's a teddy
little strings, like spaghetti
I'll wear it tonight, and cuddle up tight
walkin' 'round in women's underwear
In the office there's a guy named Bowman
We'll pretend that I am Murphy Brown
He'll say are you ready, I'll sat Whoa, man
Let's wait until the wife is out of town
From: [email protected] (Sarah Jane Beaudin)
Date: 10 Dec 1993 21:13:48 GMT
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Xmas Parodies
better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus <north pole >town
cat /etc/passwd >list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice >giftlist
santa claus <north pole > town
who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | egrep 'bad|good'
for (goodness sake) {
be good
}
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED
SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do I Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
AMNESIA:
I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas.
GRANDIOSE:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me.
MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office
and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out,
I'm Gonna Cry,
I'm Gonna Pout,
Maybe I'll Tell You Why.
SOCIOPATH:
Thoughts of Roasting You on an Open Fire...
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock...
AGORAPHOBIA:
I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House.
SENILE DEMENTIA:
Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe.
OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER:
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So
I Burned Down the House.
SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER:
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
while I Sit Here and Hyperventilate.
Jingle Bells, Batman Smells
Jingle Bells
Batman smells
Robin laid an egg
The Batmobile lost a wheel
And Joker got away
http://www.links2love.com/christmas-jingle-bells-batman-smells.htm
http://clarksvegas.com/xmas/
Jingle Bells
Shotgun Shells
Rabbits run away
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a 4 door Chevrolet
http://inky.50megs.com/idlechild/songs/jinglebells.htm
Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun
It is to ride
In a beat-up Chevrolet!
Dashing through the snow
in my rusty chevrolet
down the road I go
sliding all the way.
I need new piston rings.
I need some new snow tires.
My car is held together
by a piece of chicken wire.
Rust and smoke, the heater's broke,
the door just blew away.
I light a match to see the dash
and then I start to pray.
The frame is bent, the muffler went,
the radio it's ok.
Oh what fun it is to drive
this rusty Chevrolet.
I went to the IGA
to get some Christmas cheer.
I just passed up my left front tire
and its getting hard to steer.
Skidding down the highway
right past the Negaunee cops.
I had to drag my swampers
to get the car to stop.
Bouncing through the snowdrifts
in a big blue cloud of smoke,
people laugh as I drive by.
I wonder what's the joke.
I got to get to shopko
to pick up the layaway
cause Santa Claus is coming soon
in his big old rusty sleigh.
http://forum.volition.com/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=24665
Rudolph the Six-gun Cowboy
Rudolph the six-gun cowboy
had very shiny guns,
and if you ever saw him,
you would either hide or run.
All of the other cowboys
used to laugh and call him names.
They never let him
join in any poker games.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say,
"Rudolph with your guns so bright,
won't you shoot my wife tonight?"
Then all the other cowboys
laughed and shouted out with glee,
Rudolph the six-gun cowboy,
you'll go down in history.
From [email protected] Mon Dec 13 20:04:57 1993
Newsgroups: rec.humor
From: [email protected] (Frank Reid)
Subject: J. Edgar Hoover's favorite Christmas carol
Summary: they didn't name a vacuum cleaner after him for nothing.
Q: What's J. Edgar Hoover's favorite Christmas carol?
A: "Deck the Halls," one line of which is "Don we now our gay apparel."
Expressions For "Merry Christmas And Happy New Year"
Afrikaan Geseende Kersfees en 'n voorspoedige nuwe jaar.
Australian 'ave a bonza Christy an' a beaut New Year, mate!
Canadian Happy Holidays, eh! (and no socks this year, hosehead!)
Chinese Sing Dan Fae Lok, Gung Hai Fat Choi <Cantonese>
Shen Dan Kuai Le Xin Nian Yu Kuai <Mandarin>
Czech Vesele' Va'noce a s~t~astny' novy' rok!
Danish Good Jul og godt nyter
God jul og godt nytaar <pre-1948 Danish>
Dutch Vrolijk Kerstfeest en een gelukkig nieuwjaar
English Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
Have a Merry Happy!
Esperanto Gajan Kristnaskon kaj Felican Novan Jaron
Finnish Hauskaa joulua ja onnellista uutta vuotta!
French Joyeux Noel et Bonne Annee
German Froehliche Weihnachten und ein glueckliches Neues Jahr
Frohe Weihnachten und ein Gutes Neues Jahr
Greek Xronia Poula
Guarani Navidad Ara Pora
Hawaiian Mele Kaliki Maka
Mele Kalikimaka nui loa!
Hebrew L'shana Tova (To a good year)
Chag Sameach (Happy Holiday)
Hungarian Kellemes kara'csonyi u"nnepeket e's boldog u'j e'vet
Icelandic Gle[eth]ileg jol gott og fars[ae]lt komandi ar
<'Gle[eth]ileg jol' has an accented 'o';
'fars[ae]lt' has '[ae]' as 'ae' combined
and pronounced as 'I' in 'I am'; 'ar' has
the 'a' vith an accent mark>
Indonesian Selamat Hari Natal
Selamat Hari Natal dan Tahoen Baroe
Irish Nollaig Shona Duit <Gaelic>
Italian Buon Natale e Felice Anno Nuovo
Japanese Merii Kurisumasu (Merry Chistmas)
Shinnen o medeto (Happy New Year)
Malay Selamat hari Christmas dan Selamat Tahun Baru
Norwegian God Jul og Godt Nytt Aar <"Aa" is "A" with little circle on top>
God Jul og Godt Nytt r!
Persian Siale noh mobarak.
Philippine Maligayang Pasko at Manigong Bagong Taon! <Tagalog>
Polish Bozego Narodzenie
Wesolych Swiat i Do Szczesliwego Nowego Roku!
Portugese Feliz Natal e Feliz ano Novo
Romanian Un Cr~aciun fericit ,si la mul,ti ani!
Un Cr~aciun ,si un An Nou fericit!
<'~' is a sort of '\__/' over the 'a' and
is read like the 'e' in 'the'; the ','
before 't' and 's' go under their letters
and are read 'ts' and 'sh' respectively>
Russian S Novym Godom i Rozhdestvom Christovym!
Slovak Vesele' Vianoce a s~t~astlivy' novy' rok!
Spanish Feliz Navidad y Prospero Ano
Swedish God Jul och Gott Nytt ar <'a' with little circle, pronounced like
French 'eau'>
Thai Suk Sun Wun Christmas, Sa-wat-dee Pi Mai
Urdu Christmas or nayah saal mubarak <Pakistan>
Vietnamese Chu'c mu+`ng Gia'ng Sinh va` na(m mo+'i
<'+' is the right half of a circle attached to the top of the
letter; accents are written over the preceding vowel; '(' is
written above the vowel like a 'short' diacritical mark in English)
Welsh Nadolig LLawen a Blwyddyn Newydd Dda.
Christmas Gift-Giving Ideas
For insomniacs:
"Sleepy-time", a videocassette featuring 6 hours of the C-Span cable channel
that is guaranteed to get and keep you below the threshold of conciousness.
Warning: view "Sleepy-time" for no more than 2 hours for no more than two
consecutive nights. May cause coma. If symptoms persist, see your doctor.
For non-communicating couples:
"In-the-Mood" signal indicators. Includes two "mood clocks" suitable for bed
headboard mounting. "His" has one hand (the *big* hand), point to 12:00 for
"Yes honey" or 6:30 for "not tonight". "Hers" has two equal length hands. Set
for 3:40 for "Lets do it!!!", 2:45 for "Hurry!", 1:50 for "Call the
chiropractor!", or 6:30 for "Sorry, dear, I have a headache tonight".
What's the perfect Christmas gift for the person who has everything?
Something to put it in.
or
A broad spectrum antibiotic.
or
Medical insurance.
How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer 'Olive'?
Olive?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names..."
Q: Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
A: Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to
play with them.
Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children?
A: Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.
Q: How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?
A: They both have ornamental balls.
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Q: What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on
Christmas Eve?
A: They go into town and blow a few bucks.
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A: Because it's too far to walk.
Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies?
A: Snowballs.
Q: Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?
A: Because the snowblower was coming down the block.
Q: Did you hear about the kid who wanted a watch for Christmas?
A: His parents let him.
One Christmas, I got a battery with a note saying, "toy not included".
Q: How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
A: Nothing, it's on the house.
Q: What did the Jewish Santa say during Christmas?
A: "Anybody want to buy any presents?"
Q: What's a WASP's favourite song?
A: "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas"
Q: What's the difference between a Christmas tree and a man....
A: A Christmas tree stays up for twelve days and nights, has cute balls and looks good with the lights on!!!
All I want for Christmas is a box of Smurfs and a mallet.
The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the
wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he
entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he shouted. Joseph said, "Write that down,
Mary; it's better than Clyde!"
During the recent Karpov-Kasparov world chess championships they came to an
adjournment and left for their hotel. In the lobby of the hotel several chess
enthusiasts could be heard bragging, "I could beat Karpov with no problem". "Oh
yeah, I could beat both of them at the same time." "That's nothing, I could beat
both of them blindfolded!" Finally, the hotel manager had had enough and threw
them all out of the hotel. But why?" a bystander asked. "Because," the manager
replied "I hate... "chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!"
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students
might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season
emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of
Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class,
"Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know!
He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a
response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on
the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney and is met by a lovely young woman
in a robe. She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd
like to come into my bedroom."
Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these
toys to the children you know."
The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee.
Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've got something special
for you Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I know you want me.
Let me make this Christmas eve unforgettable."
Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these
toys to the children you know."
Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits,
and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says "Santa, this
is your last chance. This body is your gift."
Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the
chimney with my dick this way!"
As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over a full month
of Commercial Christmas, there is a special urgency in the spirits of children
as they visit toy stores and toy departments all over the country. It was with
particular urgency that little Wilbert dragged his mother to the toy department
in a big Los Angeles department store.
Mother quickly steered Wilbert into the line of children waiting to talk to
Santa, but Wilbert was far more interested in the hobby horse. As soon as his
mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment, Wilbert vanished from the Santa Queue
and began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse. His mother noticed his
absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted him on the horse. She let
him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was time to get off. Wilbert
ignored her. She began to beg; Wilbert paid no attention. She began to make
promises of sugarplums, etc., if only Wilbert would get off the hobby horse. He
stuck his nasty little tongue out at her.
Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama out of the
corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Wilbert's mother, "Perhaps I can
persuade your son to cooperate."
"I doubt that," said the mother, "but you're welcome to try."
Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Wilbert's ear. Wilbert's
eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his mother's hand.
Together, with no fuss, they left the store. As they drove home, Mama asked
Wilbert what Santa had whispered to him. Wilbert was silent. Mama began
offering bribes (toys and German Chocolate cake) if Wilbert would only tell Mama
what Santa's words were. Wilbert turned pale and wouldn't utter a word. What
had Santa said? Wilbert's mother was determined to find out. She had never
been able to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth a great
deal of effort on her part to discover what magic Santa Claus had used on
Wilbert. She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much cajolery, and
Wilbert's stubborn streak finally faded. What did Santa say?
Wilbert now answered: "He said, 'Listen, you little son of a bitch, if you
don't climb your ass the hell down off that horse right this second, I'm going
to kick the living piss out of you!' "
Why The Little Angel Sits On Top Of The Christmas Tree...
On Christmas Eve, Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip. As he
pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them
off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check
on the rest of the preparations. The elves were on strike. The reindeer had
shin-splints; the vet bill was enormous. At this point, Santa was bummed.
He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was empty.
Now he was really mad.
All of sudden, there was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry state,
ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this.
When the knock came again, Santa, filled with rage, threw open the door.
Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa! What do you want me
to do with this Christmas tree?"
Why The Little Angel Sits On Top Of The Christmas Tree... (alternate version)
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual
trip ... but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as
fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being
behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed
Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of
them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven
knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the
boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of
whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor
and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot
and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it from which
it was made.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"
And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the
Christmas tree.
Two dudes take the same train every day.
Dude 1, the smart one, says to dude 2, the dumb one: "Hey, did you get the greetz from Claus?"
Dude 2: "Who's Claus?"
Dude 1: "Well, you know Santa claus!"
Dude 2 is a little angry, but doesn't know what to say.
The next day, dude 1 makes the same joke to him and he really get's pissed.
That evening, he tells his wife, "Every day, there is a smart dude on the
train telling me that I got the greetz from a certain Claus. I dunno what Claus
he's talking about and he always tells me it's Santa!"
His wife, a brunette, tells him he has to reverse the thread by telling the
smart dude he gets the greetz from a certain Lilly...Picca Lilly!"
"Aha!' says the dumb dude and with a huge smile. He takes the train next moring.
When he sees the smart dude, he tells him he gets the greetz from Lilly'.
Dude 1: "Ooooohh!!! Picca Lilly!"
Dude 2: "Huh? How do you know her?"
Dude 1: "Well, Claus introduced me."
Dude 2: "Claus? Who's Claus?"
Dude 1: "Santa Claus!"
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door,
bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the
bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and
accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof. As he handed the
reindeer some coins in change, he said "You know, I think you're the first
reindeer I've ever seen in here." The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of
change and said "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these fuckin'
prices, I'm the _last_ reindeer you'll see in here."
A little boy had been waiting in a long line to sit on Saint Nick's lap finally gets his shot and climbs up.
Santa: (touching the little boy on the nose with his finger)
I'll bet you'd like a puppy for Christmas.
Boy: (Shakes his head, "No")
Santa: (touching the little boy on the nose with his finger again)
Well, then I'll bet you'd like a kitten for Christmas.
Boy: (again shakes his head, "No")
Santa: Then what would you like for Christmas, little boy?
Boy: I want some pussy!!!
Santa: (Startled and almost speechless) Well, I don't have any of of that!?!?
Boy: (Touching Saint Nick on nose) Yes you do, because I can smell it on your finger!
To be sung to the tune The Christmas Song by Nat "King" Cole.
Chipmunks Roasting On An Open Fire
Chipmunks roasting
on an open fire.
Their eyes bulge out,
as they explode.
Machine gun fire,
opens up on the crowd.
And folks fall down
like dominos.
Everybody knows,
an uzi and some hand grenades,
help to make the season bright.
Tiny tots,
bound and gagged in their beds,
will find it hard to sleep, tonight.
They know that Santa's
on his way.
He's got a chainsaw,
and he's gonna make 'em pay.
And every mother's child
is gonna spy,
To watch their Daddy shoot
those reindeer from the sky...
And so I'm offering
this simple phrase.
For the tots by now,
are turning blue.
Although it's been said
many times many ways...
Merry Christmas.... to You.
Chipminks Roasting On An Open Fire (another version)
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost ripping up your nose
Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
And folks dressed up like buffaloes
Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
Helps to make the season right
Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
Will find it hard to see tonight
They know that Santa's on his way
He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
And every mother's child is sure to spy
To see if reindeer really scream when they die
And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety two
Although it's been said many times, many ways
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
Fuck you
Stupid Little Script To Leave A Holiday Greeting In Your Home Directory
#!/bin/ksh
set -- `getopt cr $*`
for arg in $*
do
case $arg in
-c) cd $HOME;
touch "z + z";
touch "z *O* z";
touch "z *o**o z";
touch "z *x***** z";
touch "z ******O** z";
touch "z ***O*Y***p* z";
touch "z **o*******x** z";
touch "z * | * z";
touch "z MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY NEW YEAR! z";
exit 1;;
-r) cd $HOME;
rm "z + z";
rm "z *O* z";
rm "z *o**o z";
rm "z *x***** z";
rm "z ******O** z";
rm "z ***O*Y***p* z";
rm "z **o*******x** z";
rm "z * | * z";
rm "z MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY NEW YEAR! z";
exit 1;;
-*) echo "***************************************************";
echo "Usage: greeting -c -r";
echo "where -c creates seasons greeting in home directory";
echo " and -r removes seasons greeting in home directory";
echo "***************************************************";
exit;;
esac
done
The Twelve Days of Christmas
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me
a partridge in a pear tree.
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me
two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree.
On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me
three french hens, two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree.
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
five gold rings;
four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree.
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
six geese a-laying, five gold rings;
four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree.
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me
seven swans a-swimming,
six geese a-laying, five gold rings;
four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree.
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming,
six geese a-laying, five gold rings;
four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree.
On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming,
six geese a-laying, five gold rings;
four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree.
On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
ten lords a-leaping,
nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming,
six geese a-laying, five gold rings;
four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me
eleven pipers piping, ten lords a-leaping,
nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming,
six geese a-laying, five gold rings;
four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping, ten lords a-leaping,
nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming,
six geese a-laying, five gold rings;
four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree.
The Twelve Days of Christmas
C program to generate the above lyrics. Just compile, run it, and sing along!
cc -O -o xmas12 xmas12.c
/* The Twelve Days of Christmas
Ian Phillipps, Cambridge Consultants Ltd., Cambridge, England
Yes, Virginia, it does compile cleanly.
An appropriate program for December 25th, this consists primarily of calls
to main() combined by a lot of the ternary conditional (?:) operators.
Note: I have made a minor correction (for spelling) to line 48, where I
added a missing comma at column 59. I also added the #include <stdio.h>
*/
#include <stdio.h>
main(t,_,a)
char
*
a;
{
return!
0<t?
t<3?
main(-79,-13,a+
main(-87,1-_,
main(-86, 0, a+1 )
+a)):
1,
t<_?
main(t+1, _, a )
:3,
main ( -94, -27+t, a )
&&t == 2 ?_
<13 ?
main ( 2, _+1, "%s %d %d\n" )
:9:16:
t<0?
t<-72?
main( _, t,
"@n'+,#'/*{}w+/w#cdnr/+,{}r/*de}+,/*{*+,/w{%+,/w#q#n+,/#{l,+,/n{n+,/+#n+,/#;\
#q#n+,/+k#;*+,/'r :'d*'3,}{w+K w'K:'+}e#';dq#'l q#'+d'K#!/+k#;\
q#'r}eKK#}w'r}eKK{nl]'/#;#q#n'){)#}w'){){nl]'/+#n';d}rw' i;# ){nl]!/n{n#'; \
r{#w'r nc{nl]'/#{l,+'K {rw' iK{;[{nl]'/w#q#\
\
n'wk nw' iwk{KK{nl]!/w{%'l##w#' i; :{nl]'/*{q#'ld;r'}{nlwb!/*de}'c ;;\
{nl'-{}rw]'/+,}##'*}#nc,',#nw]'/+kd'+e}+;\
#'rdq#w! nr'/ ') }+}{rl#'{n' ')# }'+}##(!!/")
:
t<-50?
_==*a ?
putchar(31[a]):
main(-65,_,a+1)
:
main((*a == '/') + t, _, a + 1 )
:
0<t?
main ( 2, 2 , "%s")
:*a=='/'||
main(0,
main(-61,*a, "!ek;dc i@bK'(q)-[w]*%n+r3#l,{}:\nuwloca-O;m .vpbks,fxntdCeghiry")
,a+1);}
Keeping up with the holiday spirit...
The Twelve Bugs of Christmas
For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.
For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
The Twelve Bugs of Christmas
C program to generate the above lyrics. Just compile, run it, and sing along!
cc -O -o xmasbug xmasbug.c
/* The Twelve Bugs of Christmas */
#include <stdio.h>
int xmas(daze)
int daze;
{ static char *dayth[]={"first","second","third","fourth","fifth","sixth",
"seventh","eighth","ninth","tenth","eleventh","twelfth"};
if (daze>1) xmas(daze-1);
printf("\n\nFor the %s bug of Christmas, ",dayth[daze-1]);
printf("my manager said to me\n");
switch (daze) {
case 12: printf(" Tell them it's a feature\n");
case 11: printf(" Say it's not supported\n");
case 10: printf(" Change the documentation\n");
case 9: printf(" Blame it on the hardware\n");
case 8: printf(" Find a way around it\n");
case 7: printf(" Say they need an upgrade\n");
case 6: printf(" Reinstall the software\n");
case 5: printf(" Ask for a dump\n");
case 4: printf(" Run with the debugger\n");
case 3: printf(" Try to reproduce it\n");
case 2: printf(" Ask them how they did it and\n");
case 1: printf(" See if they can do it again.\n");
};
return;
}
main() { xmas(12); }
/* --------------------== */
The Twelve Conspirators of Christmas
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
A lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
The Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
7 Corporations
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
8 right wing loonies
7 corporations
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
9 postal workers
8 right wing loonies
7 corporations
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
10 Nazi soldiers
9 postal workers
8 right wing loonies
7 corporations
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
11 ninja masters
10 Nazi soldiers
9 postal workers
8 right wing loonies
7 corporations
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
12 space invaders
11 ninja masters
10 Nazi soldiers
9 Postal workers
8 right wing loonies
7 corporate interests
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On the 12th day of Christmas my vendor gave to me,
12 days to set up
11 acronyms
10 more megahertz
9 brand new standards
8 more megs of RAM
7 minor upgrades
6 hidden features
5 tons of docs
4 new API's
3 more months of waiting
2 more SCSI drives
And a bug fix for Windows NT.
(c) 1993 The Bill Gates of Hell Society
UNIXmas
better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus <north pole >town
cat /etc/passwd >list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list I grep naughty >nogiftlist
cat list I grep nice >giftlist
santa claus <north pole > town
who I grep sleeping
who I grep awake
who I egrep 'badIgood'
for (goodness sake) {
be good
better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus <north pole >town
Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
- Irish Rovers (1986?)
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
She'd been drinkin' too much eggnog,
And we'd begged her not to go.
But she forgot her medication,
So she stumbled out the door into the snow.
When we found her Christmas mornin',
At the scene of the attack.
There were hoofprints on her forehead,
And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back.
Grandma go run over by a reindeer,
Walkin' home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
Now were all so proud of Grandpa,
He's been takin' this so well.
See him in there watchin' football,
Drinkin' beer and playin' cards with cousin Belle.
It's not Christmas without Grandma.
All the family's dressed in black.
And we just can't help but wonder:
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?
(Send them back!)
Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Walkin' home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of pig.
And a blue and silver candle,
That would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig.
I've warned all my friends and neighbors.
"Better watch out for yourselves."
They should never give a license,
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.
Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Walkin' home from our house, Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
Kris Publishing
New Kids Got Run Over By A Reindeer
730 CKLG Morning Zoo Cementheads (1989)
New kids got run over by a reindeer
All the little children are in shock.
No more loud annoying high falsettos-oh-ohhh
Now there's no more new kids on the block.
They were singing their new hit song:
"Cover Girls With The Right Stuff"
Now they're trophies for a reindeer,
Mounted on his mantle, hanging tough.
Many times I was mistaken,
When I went to see their show.
Was it Danny, Donny, Joe, John, Jordon,
Or Larry, Curly, Shemp and Moe-oh-oh-oh-ohh?
New kids got run over by a reindeer.
All the little children are in shock.
No more loud annoying high falsettos-oh-ohh
Now there's no more new kids on the block.
Now the new kid fans are crying,
And they say this really sucks!
But don't blame it on the reindeer,
Cause I'm the one who gave him fifty bucks.
New kids got run over by a reindeer.
No more little brats for me to mock.
No more pre-pubescent high falsettos-oh-ohh
Now there's no more new kids on the block.
History Of Santa Claus: The Untold Story
1689: A Spanish-German explorer, Santa Klaus, discovers the North Pole, and
establishes a small base camp.
1691: Because of harsh and meager living conditions, Klaus' crew abandons him.
1692: Klaus is rescued by the Viking ship Hvorfor. He returns to Europe,
bringing some items with him from the North Pole. He finds he's able to
sell them quite easily, making a small profit.
1703: Klaus saves up enough money to buy a small ship and crew, and returns to
the North Pole. Upon arriving, he finds his base camp, half-buried but
still intact.
1704: Klaus returns to Europe with a shipload of North Pole artifacts, and is
successful in selling them. He makes enough profit to increase his crew,
and buys building materials to expand his polar base.
1705: Klaus returns again to the North Pole, and builds quarters for him and his
crew, and sets up the Polar Exports Company.
1716: After six shiploads of exports, the European market is flooded with polar
artifacts, including the phony ones making charlatans rich. Seeing this
decline, Klaus decides to invest his money by starting a toy company in
his native Germany.
1720: Klaus Toys becomes the largest toy company in Germany, but only because of
Klaus' underhanded business dealings. (It was also rumored that Klaus was
dealing with enemy countries as well) Competitors urged government
officials to begin an investigation.
1721: Enough proof is found, and charges are drawn up against the Klaus Toys
Company. Klaus himself refuses to release his records.
1722: The German Supreme Court finds Klaus guilty of tax evasion and of treason.
When news of this breaks, Klaus' employees all turn against him and his
company.
1723: Klaus is exiled to Sicily, and shortly before leaving, he absconds with
all the company's funds. Klaus spends much of this year changing his
identity to evade authorities; to further mask his questionable past, he
changes his name now to 'Claus'.
1724: A search party is sent to the Mediterranean to recover the funds; however,
Claus hears of this ahead of time and he and his Sicilian wife flee for
their lives. (Some say he went into Northern Africa, but it's generally
assumed that this was only a ruse to lure the searchers off course. He's
believed to have returned to his North Pole base)
1725: Claus II is born en route to the North Pole.
1725-1734: The Claus' lay low at the North Pole. Claus teaches his son the arts
of toymaking and business dealings.
1735: Rumor has it that Claus has hired Scandinavian builders to build a castle
for him at the North Pole, making use of almost half of the company funds.
1739: The castle is finished, and is one of the largest in the world. Claus II
reaches his fifteenth birthday, and in the same year, Claus' wife dies,
accidentally falling from a balcony in one of the castle's great halls.
1740: Claus, mourning his wife, becomes increasingly ill.
1745: Santa Claus II becomes of age, and begins taking care of the castle and
of his sick father.
1747: Using the remaining company funds, Claus II builds a small city around
the castle to attract workers and craftsmen.
1748: Word of the North Pole settlement reaches Europe. The Elves of Eastern
Europe, quickly becoming political outcasts and striving for a better
life, begin immigrating in waves to the North Pole.
1753: All the elves have left Eastern Europe and have become firmly established
at the North Pole. Claus II begins his father's toy company once again,
with an estimated 30,000 elves employed. Claus I dies, at age 89.
1755: The North Pole officially becomes a nation, and Claus II and his wife take
the throne. The toy business continues to flourish, and the elves enjoy
prosperity. Claus III is born.
1757: The great stables are built, and scientists are secretly hired by Claus
II to begin an ambitious project, that of breeding and training reindeer
to fly.
1773: The flying reindeer are achieved and become Claus II and III's major form
of transportation.
1774: A mutant reindeer, named Rudolf, is born whose nose emits light. He
becomes an outcast of the reindeer society, and is taken in by the Claus
government. Claus II celebrates his 50th birthday, inviting several other
world leaders for a stay at his castle. To impress them, he displays a
lavish show of wealth, all at the elves' expense. He gives the other
leaders the impression of a dictatorship under the guise of royalty. The
elves sense this, and the seeds of rebellion are planted.
1777: As conditions become increasingly strict, the elves begin to search for a
leader to lead their revolt. Rudolf, still in favor of the Claus
government, sees their plight and begins thinking of ways to use it to his
advantage.
1784: On his 60th birthday, Claus II takes a sleigh ride down main street during
the Christmas day parade, and is assassinated by a radical faction of
elves. Claus III, now 29, takes over immediately and puts martial law
into effect for the whole North Pole. Civil war breaks out as Rudolf
leads the Elves in rebellion.
1785-1792: The Seven-year Strike happens. The elves refuse to make toys, and
the Claus Toy Company nearly goes bankrupt, as the North Pole hits an
economic low. Claus III, fearing for his life, becomes a prisoner of his
own castle. Rudolf rises to the peak of his power, and sets himself as
leader of the elven community.
1796: Rudolf and his army unsuccessfully try to invade Norway. Over 10,000 elves
are killed.
1800: Inside the castle, unbeknownst to the elves, Claus IV is born.
1802: After a string of political blunders, Rudolf senses that he's quickly
losing favor with the elves. Frosty the Snowman is built, brought to
life, and used as a political scapegoat.
1804: Frosty the Snowman is melted at a public execution, and the elves are
calmed of their unrest, for the moment.
1819-1826: After a long period of unrest, Rudolf is finally ousted, and Claus
III, aged 71, rightfully regains the throne. Prince Claus IV is
introduced to the elves publicly for the first time.
1827-1841: The Renormalization years. Claus III brings the near-bankrupt Claus
Toys Company out of dormancy and appoints his son as president. In order
to clear their bad name and make up for their out-of-the-way location,
they decide to start the hugest advertising campaign ever. Each Christmas,
Claus IV will ride throughout the world, distributing free toys to
children everywhere. The ad campaign becomes a hit, but remains very
costly.
1847: Claus III dies.
1851: As the annual ad campaign continues, deficits pile up, and the elves are
asked to work harder, longer hours and still take a pay cut. They start to
complain, but Claus assures them he'll do all he can to help them. As a
sign of goodwill, Claus IV marries an Elven wife, strengthening the bonds
between the Claus family and the Elves.
1856: Claus V is born. In order to celebrate, Claus IV decides to stay at home,
and so he suggests that department stores use costumed employees to
represent him. They do, and it works out so well that he decides to do it
every year.
1857-1867: Claus V grows up, spending most of his time visiting with his elf
relatives and friends. Claus IV, who spends most of his time building up
the company, doesn't seem to mind; in fact, he feels that it's good
publicity.
1871: Working conditions continue to worsen for the elves, and they try to
convince Claus V to overthrow his father and give the government back to
the elves.
1872: Claus V usurps his father's throne, sending him to live the remainder of
his life under guard in the castle's west wing.
1875: After reading the works of Karl Marx, Claus V chooses communism as the new
form of government for the North Pole. Some elves protest this, but they
are successfully quieted. (It's also because of communism that Santa
Claus' suit later changes from beige to red.)
1881: Claus IV dies in captivity, just as the new Government gets underway. His
funeral isn't a large one.
1887: In order to keep up with growing populations, Claus Toys becomes
industrialized. The elves learn the ways of mass production on the
assembly line.
1893: Another mutant reindeer is born, and is named Rudolf II in honor of the
first one, whom the communist government now honors for "giving the
government back to the elves."
1900: Sigmund Freud's "The Interpretation of Dreams" is published.
1902: After he had been presumed dead for years, Frosty the Snowman is claimed
to have been sighted on several occasions. Throughout the kingdom,
children claim that they all heard him say he'd be back again some day.
1906: Claus VI is born. The Claus family celebrates, but the elves aren't the
least bit excited.
1909-1922: The toys distributed yearly begin to show signs of propaganda
influence. Frosty the Snowman continues to appear occasionally, and Claus
V begins to grow uneasy, fearing some sort of hidden sabotage.
1925: Claus V dies, under mysterious circumstances. He's found buried in the
snow in the castle garden, frozen solid. Many think it is the work of
Frosty, but no one can prove it.
1926: Claus VI takes over, and immediately tightens up security. He rules with
an iron hand, but a fair one. Electric lights are installed in the
streets, and the castle and the town gets electricity. The factories are
expanded, and the toys continue to be used as propaganda for the world.
1929: Angered by Claus' commercialization of Christmas, the Grinch attempts to
remove the material goods to show the true meaning of Christmas. He fails,
and later Claus commissions a cartoon, which warps the story so that the
Grinch is made out to be the villain.
1949: Claus VII is born.
1979: Claus VI dies of natural causes.
1933-1990: The North Pole remains stable, with everything running smoothly.
Across the Western world, a pattern starts to emerge and become noticed.
Children receive Claus' toys each Christmas, but as they grow older, their
parents throw them away. Then, as the children grow into adults and have
children of their own, the toys start to surface again. And so the cycle
goes on.
1991: First sightings of Anti-Claus.
1993: Anti-Claus is observed closely with telescopes, and photographed. His suit
is like that of Santa Claus, but with the reds and whites reversed. He
carries a 3-ply Hefty bag full of gifts no one wants or needs. And instead
of using reindeer and a sleigh, he rides in a bathtub pulled by eight
flying cows.
1997: Anti-Claus is tracked by radar and found to live in an underground hideout
run by dwarves at the South Pole.
2002: Communism fails utterly at the North Pole resulting from the nature of the
elves. Claus VII, flying clockwise around the earth making the Christmas
rounds, collides with Anti-Claus, who was flying counterclockwise. A huge
explosion and blinding flash of light occurs, leading scientists to
believe that they annihilated each other.
2007: The North Pole becomes a democracy, run wholly by the elves. Christmas is
no longer commercialized or exploited. Happiness is finally achieved
throughout the kingdom.
2011: It's discovered that Claus VII didn't die in the explosion, but merely
made it appear so. From there, he went to live in the Bahamas. He's later
found, dead of a heart attack, in a jacuzzi with two and a half dozen
nymphets.
Twas The Night Before Crisis
Twas the night before crisis,
and all through the house,
not a program was working,
not even a browse.
The programmers were wrung out,
too mindless to care,
knowing chances of turnover
hadn't a prayer.
The users were nestled
all snug in their beds,
while visions of inquires
danced in their heads.
When out in the lobby,
there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my tube
to see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering
eyes should appear,
but a super programmer,
oblivious to fear.
More rapid than eagles,
his programs they came,
and he whistled and shouted
and called them by name:
On Update!
On Add!
On Inquiry
and Delete!
On Batch Jobs!
On Closing!
On Function Complete!
His eyes were glazed over,
his fingers were lean,
>from weekends and nites
in front of the screen.
A wink of his eye
and a twist of his head
soon let me to know
I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word,
but went straight to his work,
turning specs into code,
compiled without a quirk,
and laying his finger
on the lone "Enter" key,
the system came up
and it worked perfectly!
The updates updated,
the deleted deleted,
the inquires inquired,
and the closings completed.
With nary an abend,
he tested each bell,
no a single core dump,
all sure had gone well.
The system was finished,
the tests were concluded.
The client's last changes
were even included;
then the client exclaimed
with a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for,
but not what I want!!!"
Flatulent Twas Night Before Christmas
with the star of the poem - Flatula (The Great Gaseous Winged Beast)
by Duane Alexander
Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house.
Everyone had gas,
yeah, even the mouse.
Mom on the pot,
dad scratching his butt.
I was upstairs
with a teenage slut.
When out on the roof,
I heard such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed
to see what's the matter!
A Great Winged Beast
had fallen from the sky.
He laughed and he coughed
and said, "Here's mud in your eye!" Phsssssst!
He drank from a bottle
that was stinking of gin.
He let one go
and that made him grin.
He went down the chimney
like a bat out of hell.
I knew in a second
that the poor bastard fell.
He filled all the stockings
with piles of goo.
A little for me
and a little for you!
He scanned the room quickly
for a bathroom you see.
He played with an alphabet
and then took a "P".
He rose up the chimney
with a thundering blast.
It shattered the windows
and broke all the glass.
He swore and he cursed
as he flew out of sight,
"To hell with all of you,
it's been one hell of a night!!!"
T'was The Night Before Christmas - Scientific Style
A Visit From St. Nicholas
Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
preceding the annual yuletide celebration,
and throughout our place of residence,
kinetic activity was not in evidence
among possessors of this potential,
including that species of domestic rodent
known as Mus musculus.
Hosiery was meticulously suspended
from the forward edge of the
wood burning caloric apparatus,
persuant to our anticipatory pleasure
regarding an imminent visitation
from an eccentric philanthropist
among whose folkloric appellations is
the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings,
comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose,
were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations
of variegated fruit confections
moving rhythmically through their cerebrums.
My conjugal partner and I,
attired in our nocturnal head coverings,
were about to take slumbrous advantage of the hibernal darkness
when upon the avenaceous exterior portion
of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance
that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity
from my place of repose for the purpose of
ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement,
I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration,
noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without,
reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation,
might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself -
thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold
a miniature airborne runnered conveyance
drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer,
piloted by a minuscule aged chauffer so ebullient and numble
that it became instantly apparent to me
that he was indeed our anticipated caller.
With his ungulate motive power travelling at
what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity
that patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly,
expelled breath musically through contracted labia,
and addressed of the octet by his or her respective cognomen -
"Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. -
quiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode,
through which structure I could readily distinguish
the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location,
and was performing a 180-degree pivot,
our distinguished visitant achieved -
with utmost celerity and via a downward leap -
entry by way of the smoke passage.
He was clad entirely in animal pelts
soiled by the ebon residue from the oxidations
of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof.
His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed
largely to the plethora of assorted playthings
which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity,
while his submaxillary dermal indentations
gave every evidence of engaging amiability.
The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance
were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers,
the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem,
the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry.
His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much
as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment
appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece
whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput,
were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly.
His visage was wider than it was high,
and when he waxed audibly mirthful,
his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner
of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.
He was, in short, neither more nor less than
an obese, jocun, multigenarian gnome,
the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome
despite every effort to refrain from so being.
By rapidly lowering and then raising one eyelid
and rotating his head slightly to one side,
he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch,
he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery
with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise
extracted from his aforementioned previously
dorsally transported cloth receptacle.
Upon completion of this task,
he executed an abrupt about-face,
placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition
to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward
in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith affected his egress
by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage.
He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance,
directed a musical expulsion of air
through his contracted oral sphincter
to the antlered quadrupeds of burden,
and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable
chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed.
But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately
prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility:
"Ecstatic yuletide to the plenary constituency, and
to that selfsame assemblage, my sincerest wishes
for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly
pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."
- From Eleonore Johnson at Teknowledge
A Contraction That Doesn't Really Exist Before Christmas
from the Christmas Issue of Prometheus
Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
All the stomachs were churning,
Cause they ate that dumb mouse.
When down through the Chimney,
Did Saint Nick fall,
the alarm was tripped,
and to the police went a call.
He fell on his face,
and let out a big roar,
then fell loose bricks,
there were forty or more.
Bruises and scratches,
and a bump on his head,
Santa fell down,
Perhaps he was dead?
Alas he was not,
and up he staggered,
slightly drunk and
cursing Jimmy Swaggart.
A black and white pulled up
with red lights a'flashing,
Ole' Saint Nick just started
and said, "S-S-S-Simply ssssmashing."
The Family awoke,
and readied their Mace,
And Ole Nick just
fell flat on his face.
The police rushed in,
but before they could react,
Eight tiny reindeer
Started to attack.
The fighting went on
At a sickening pace,
Santa wasn't much help,
He was still on his face.
The violence was terrible.
The car, how it flew!
But finally into "the drunk tank"
St. Nicholas they threw.
They took him to the station,
And threw the old man away,
But eight tiny reindeer sprang him,
And he hopped back in his sleigh.
And I heard him exclaim,
As he drove out of sight,
"Screw you all and
Make your own Christmas Night!"
You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon-wrapped lumps in the mail. Fruitcakes make
ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable to find a way to damage
them. They last forever, largely because nobody ever eats them. In fact, many
smart people save the fruitcakes they receive and send them back to the original
givers the next year; some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for
hundreds of years.
The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some
old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses. - Dave
Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
Tequila Christmas Cake
1 cup of water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila (the good stuff)
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the tequila to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the tequila again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar.
Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK.
Try another cup... just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit up off floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers
just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.
Check the tequila.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.
CHERRY MISTMAS!
Signs That You've Hired A Bad Department Store Santa
from David Letterman:
1. He's packin' heat.
2. Keeps reminiscing about his vice presidency under George Bush.
3. Whether they want it or not, gives every kid a crew cut.
4. Keeps sending his elves out for more vermouth.
5. Every day around 10 A.M., throws up on the down escalator.
6. Charges $5.95 for the first minute, $2.95 each additional minute.
7. Tries unsuccessfully to hide the fact that he's wearing handcuffs.
8. After every toy request, says "Yeah, right".
9. Tells the sales girls that "Me and Mrs. Claus have an understanding".
10. He wears the Santa costume all year round.
Case Report: Unique Case of Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverer's Syndrome
Source: North Pole Journal of Medicine, vol 1 no.1, December 1993
Author: Dr. Iman Elf, M.D.
On January 2, 1993, Mr. C, an obese, white caucasian male, who appeared
approximately 65 years old, but who could not accurately state his age,
presented to my family practice office with complaints of generalized aches and
pains, sore red eyes, depression, and general malaise. The patient's face was
erythematic, and he was in mild respiratory distress, although his demeanor was
jolly. He attributed these symptoms to being "not as young as I used to be, Ho!
Ho! Ho!", but thought he should have them checked out.
The patient's occupation is delivering presents once a year, on December
25th, to many people worldwide. He flies in a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer,
and gains access to homes via chimneys. He has performed this work for as long
as he can remember.
Upon examination and ascertaining Mr. C's medical history, I have discovered
what I believe to be a unique and heretofore undescribed medical syndrome
related to this man's occupation and lifestyle, named Aerial Sleigh-Borne
Present-Deliverer's Syndrome, or ASBPDS for short.
Medical History: Mr. C. admits to drinking only once a year, and only when
someone puts rum in the eggnog left for him to consume during his working hours.
However, I believe his bulbous nose and erythematic face may indicate long-term
ethanol abuse. He has smoked pipe tobacco for many years, although workplace
regulations at the North Pole have forced him to cut back to one or two pipes
per day for the last 5 years. He has had no major illnesses or surgeries in the
past. He has no known allergies. Travel history is extensive, as he visits
nearly every location in the world annually. He has had all his immunizations,
including all available vaccines for tropical diseases. He does little exercise
and eats large meals with high sugar and cholesterol levels, and a high
percentage of calories derived from fat (he subsists all year on food he
collects on Dec. 25, which consists mainly of eggnog, Cola drinks, and cookies).
Family history was unavailable, as the patient could not name any relatives.
Physical Examination and Review of Systems, With Social/Occupational
Correlates: The patient wears corrective lenses, and has 20/80 vision. His
conjunctivae were hyperalgesic and erythematous, and Fluorescein staining
revealed numerous randomly occurring corneal abrasions. This appears to be
caused by dust, debris, and other particles which strike his eyes at high
velocity during his flights. He has headaches nearly every day, usually
starting half way through the day, and worsened by stress.
He had extensive ecchymoses, abrasions, lacerations, and first-degree burns
on his head, arms, legs, and back, which I believe to be caused mainly by trauma
experienced during repeated chimney descents and falls from his sleigh.
Collisions with birds during his flight, gunshot wounds (delivered by homeowners
mistaking him for a burglar) and bites consistent with reindeer teeth may also
have contributed to these wounds. Patches of leukoderma and anesthesia on his
nose, cheeks, penis, and distal digits are consistent with frostbite caused by
periods of hypothermia during high-altitude flights.
He had a blood pressure of 150/95, a heart rate of 90 beats/minute, and a
respiratory rate of 40. He has had shortness of breath for several years, which
worsens during exertion. He has no evidence of acute cardiac or pulmonary
failure, but it was my opinion that he is quite unfit due to his mainly
sedentary lifestyle and poor eating habits which, along with his stress,
smoking, and male gender, place him at high risk for coronary heart disease,
myocardial infarction, emphysema and other problems. Blood tests subsequently
revealed higher-than-normal CO levels, which I attribute to smoke inhalation
during chimney descent into non-extinguished fireplaces.
He has experienced chronic back pain for several years. A neurological
examination was consistent with a mild herniation of his L4-L5 or L5-S1 disk,
which probably resulted from carrying a heavy sack of toys, enduring bumpy
sleigh rides, and his jarring feet-first falls to the bottom of chimneys.
Mr. C. had a swollen left scrotum, which, upon biopsy, was diagnosed as
scrotal cancer, the likely etiology being the soot from chimneys.
Psychiatric Examination and Social/Occupational Correlates: Mr. C's
depression has been chronic for several years. I do not believe it to be
organic in nature--rather, he has a number of unresolved issues in his personal
and professional life which cause him distress.
He exhibits long-term amnesia, and cannot recall any events more than 5 years
ago. This may be due to a repressed psychological trauma he experienced, head
trauma, or, more likely, the mythical nature of his existence.
Although the patient has a jolly demeanor, he expresses profound unhappiness.
He reports anger at not receiving royalties for the widespread commercial use of
his likeness and name. Although he reports satisfaction with the sex he has
with his wife, I sense he may feel erotic impulses when children sit on his lap,
and I worry he may have pedophillic tendencies. This could be the subconscious
reason he employs only vertically-challenged workers ("elfs"), but I believe his
hiring practices are more likely a reaction formation due to body-image problems
stemming from his obesity. The patient feels annoyed and worried when he is
told many people do not believe he exists, and I feel this may develop into a
serious identity crisis if not dealt with. He reports great stress over having
to choose which gifts to give to children, and a feeling of guilt and inadequacy
over the decisions he makes as to which children are "naughty" and "nice".
Because he experiences total darkness lasting many months during winter at
the North Pole, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) may be a contributor to his
depression.
Treatment and Counselling: All Mr. C's wounds were cleaned and dressed, and
he was prescribed an antibiotic ointment for his eyes. A referral to a
physiotherapist was made to ameliorate his disk problem. On February 9, a
bilateral orchidectomy was performed, and no further cancer has been detected as
of this writing. He was counselled to wash soot from his body regularly, to
avoid lit-fire chimney descents where practicable, and to consider switching to
a closed-sleigh, heated, pressurized sleigh. He refused suggestions to add a
helmet and protective accessories to his uniform.
He was put on a high-fibre, low cholesterol diet, and advised to reduce his
smoking and drinking. He has shown success with these lifestyle changes so far,
although it remains to be seen whether he will be able to resist the treats left
out for him next Christmas.
He visits a psychiatrist weekly, and reports doing "Not too bad, Ho! Ho! Ho!".
Conclusions: Physicians, when presented with aerial sleigh-borne present-
deliverers exhibiting more than a few of these symptoms, should seriously
consider ASBPDS as their differential diagnosis. I encourage other physicians
with access to patients working in allied professions (e.g. nightly Teeth-
Purchasers or Annual Candied Egg Providers) to investigate whether analogous
anatomical/ physiological/ psychological syndromes exist. The happiness of
children everywhere depend on effective management of these syndromes.
- Kevin Speight
Is There A Santa Claus?
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from
that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to
present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of
living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and
germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has
ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But since
Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist
children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according
to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per
household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good
child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to
say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of
a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the
stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks
have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to
the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly
distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the
purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles
per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do
what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times
the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on
earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a
conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the
sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described
as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.
Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the
normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200
reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the
sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight
of the Queen Elizabeth.
5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft
re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3
*quintillion* joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst
into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create
deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized
within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to
centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa
(which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by
4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's
dead now.
Rebuttal: (Jim Mantle, Waterloo Maple Software)
Come on, ya gotta believe! I mean, if you can handle flying furry animals, then
it's only a small step to the rest.
For example;
1. As admitted, it is possible that a flying reindeer can be found. I would
agree that it would be quite an unusual find, but they might exist.
2. You've relied on cascading assumptions. For example, you have assumed a
uniform distribution of children across homes. Toronto/Yorkville, or
Toronto/Cabbagetown, or other yuppie neighbourhoods, have probably less than
the average (and don't forget the DINK and SINK homes (Double Income No Kids,
Single Income No Kids)), while the families with 748 starving children that they
keep showing on Vision TV while trying to pick my pocket would skew that 15% of
homes down a few percent.
3. You've also assumed that each home that has kids would have at least one
good kid. What if anti-selection applies, and homes with good kids tend to have
more than their share of good kids, and other homes have nothing except
terrorists in diapers? Let's drop that number of homes down a few more percent.
4. Santa would have to Fedex a number of packages ahead of time, since he
would not be able to fly into Air Force Bases, or into tower-controlled areas
near airports. He's get shot at over certain sections of the Middle East, and
the no-fly zones in Iraq, so he'd probably use DHL there. Subtract some more
homes.
5. I just barely passed Physics and only read Stephen Hawking's book once,
but I recall that there is some Einsteinian Theory that says time does strange
things as you move faster. In fact, when you go faster than the speed of light
time runs backward, if you do a straight line projection, connect the dots and
just ignore any singularity you might find right at the speed of light. And
don't say you can't go faster than the speed of light because I've seen it done
on TV. Jean-Luc doesn't have reindeer but he does have matter-antimatter warp
engines and a holodeck and that's good enough for me.
So Santa could go faster than light, visit all the good children which are
not uniformly distributed by either concentration in each home or by number of
children per household, and get home before he left so he can digest all those
stale cookies and warm milk yech.
6. Aha, you say, Jean-Luc has matter-antimatter warp engines, Santa only has
reindeer, where does he get the power to move that fast!
You calculated the answer! The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3
quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. This is an ample supply of
energy for the maneuvering, acceleration, etc, that would be required of the
loaded sleigh. The reindeer don't evaporate or incinerate because of this
energy, they accelerate. What do you think they have antlers for, fighting over
females? Think of antlers as furry solar array panels.
7. If that's not enough, watch the news on the 24th at 11 o'clock. NORAD
(which may be one of the few government agencies with more than 3 initials in
it's name and therefore it must be more trustworthy than the rest) tracks Santa
every year and I've seen the radar shots of him approaching my house from the
direction of the North Pole. They haven't bombarded him yet, so they must
believe too, right?
We three kings of Orient are:
One on a bicycle, one in a car,
one on a scooter banging his hooter,
following yonder star.
We three men of Orient are
smoking on a rubber cigar.
One was loaded,
it exploded.
Now we're on yonder star.
We three kings of Madison square
trying to sell this cheap underwear.
They're fantastic,
no elastic,
twenty five cents a pair.
You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout, I'm telling you why,
Santa Claus is dead.
- Smothers Bros. ca. 1960
From [email protected] Wed Dec 14 14:48:49 1994
Date: Wed, 14 Dec 94 15:23:00 EST
Subject: 12 days of p.c. christmas
12 days of p.c. christmas
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival,
my potential-acquaintance-rape-survivor gave to me,
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming.
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members
in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their
union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...)
TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products
from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE: after member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw
red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge
have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further
animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
THREE deconstructionist poets,
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
and a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
From [email protected] Fri Dec 9 22:12:46 1994
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Christmas Jokes
Date: 9 Dec 1994 19:47:47 GMT
Sung to the tune "Oh Christmas Tree"
Oh Kennedy, Oh Kennedy,
Clan of fornication.
If it be a girl he sees,
His pants are at half-station.
It matters not, of whom we talk
They're all the same, chips off a block.
Oh Kennedy, oh Kennedy
Skirts you're always chasing.
Sung to the tune "Deck The Halls"
Deck the malls this Christmas season,
fa la la la la, la la la la
Blow your cash for no good reason,
fa la la la la, la la la la
Push your charge card to it's limit
fa la la, la la la, la la la
Your check book now has nothing in it.
fa la la la la, la la la la.
Sung to the tune "Jingle Bells"
Dashing through the snow in my rusty Chevrolet.
Down the road I go, sliding all the way.
I need new piston rings. I need some new snow tires.
My car is held together by a piece of chicken wire!
Oh, rust and smoke, the heater's broke, the door just blew away.
I light a match to see the dash and then I start to pray-ay.
The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio's okay.
Oh, what fun it is to drive this rusty Chevrolet!
I went to IGA to get some Christmas cheer.
I just passed up my left front tire and it's gettin' hard to steer.
Speeding down the highway, right past the county cops.
I have to drag my swampers just to get the car to stop.
Oh, rust and smoke, the heater's broke, the door just blew away.
I light a match to see the dash and then I start to pray-ay.
The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio's okay.
Oh, what fun it is to drive this rusty Chevrolet!
Bouncing through the snowdrifts in a big, blue cloud of smoke.
People laugh as I drive by; I wonder what's the joke!
I have to get to Wal-Mart to pick up my layaway,
Cause Santa's comin' soon in his big, old, rusty sleigh!
Oh, rust and smoke, the heater's broke, the door just blew away.
I light a match to see the dash and then I start to pray-ay.
The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio's okay.
Oh, what fun it is to drive this rusttttttttty Chevroooooooleeeeeet!
Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his sweetheart and after careful
consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's
sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The
sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items
got mixed up. (The sweetheart got the panties.) Without checking the contents,
Jim sealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
Dearest Darling,
This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas.
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any
when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger sister,
I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short
ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I
bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three weeks and they
were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked
great. I wish I could put them on you the first time. No doubt, other men's
hands will come in contact with them before I have the chance to see you again.
When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will
naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you
clean them or they might shrink. I hope you like them and will wear them for
me next Friday night.
All My Love,
Jimmy
P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
Also, the sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the latest style -
folded down with the fur showing.
From [email protected] Sat Dec 17 05:53:14 1994
Date: Fri, 16 Dec 1994 14:54:37 -0800 (PST)
From: Charles Seiter <[email protected]>
Subject: Happy Holidays (fwd)
Politically Correct Santa
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
- Harvey Ehrlich, 1992
[email protected]
Bubba Claus
To: All Concerned
From: Santa Claus
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Alabama, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Kentucky, Mississippi, Louisiana, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was Renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him one of my reindeer a long time ago, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I heeer'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off".
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated Viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
And Finally,
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
The Twelve Days Of Christmas
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
1. The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
2. Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In Addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;
3. The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
4. The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
5. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;
6. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;
7. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;
8. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
9. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
10. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
11. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Christmas Dinner
A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel
a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice,
she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked
over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a
rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!".
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman
had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"
What do reindeers say before telling a joke?
This one will sleigh you!
A short Christmas poem
If you see a fat man ...
Who's jolly and cute,
wearing a beard
and a red flannel suit,
and if he is chuckling
and laughing away,
while flying around
in a miniature sleigh
with eight tiny reindeer
to pull him along,
then lets face it...
Your eggnog's too strong!
Ten signs you're not getting a Christmas bonus
Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future."
The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial.
On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips.
What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet."
Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out."
You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants.
When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under avalanche of stolen office supplies.
Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw.
In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "crap" appeared 78 times.
You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets.
'Twas the Night Before Christmas
Parent's Version. . .
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to
ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing;
forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your
sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting
divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother
back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU
HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,
"They're coming for Christmas and paying their own fares."
Skiers' Dictionary
Alp:
One of a number of ski mountains in Europe.
Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European.
Avalanche:
One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten
timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, First
Aid, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.
Bindings:
Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from serious injury during
a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering
across the slope where they trip two other skiers.
Bones:
There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however;
the two bones of the middle ear have never been broken while skiing.
Cross-Country Skiing:
Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain technique. It's good exercise,
doesn't require purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines.
See also Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.
Cross-Country Something-or-Other:
Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through
snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing
nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and
the muffled screams of other skiers dropping into the puffy powder
of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.
Exercises:
A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes:
1) Tie a cinder block to each foot and climb a flight of stairs.
2) Sit on the outside of a fourth-story window ledge with your
skis on and your poles in your lap for at least 30 minutes.
3) Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor;
then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.
Gloves:
Designed to be tight around the wrist to restrict circulation,
but not so close-fitting as to allow any manual dexterity;
they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.
Gravity:
One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers.
The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam;
the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and
electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive
ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.
Inertia:
Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed
due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with
these other physical laws:
1) Two objects of different mass falling side by side will have
the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital and home care bills.
2) Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops
out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our universe.
3) When an irresistible force meets an immovable object (see "Tree")
Prejump:
Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump.
Beginners can execute a controlled pre-fall just before
losing their balance and, if they wish, may precede it with either
a pre-scream and a few pre-groans or simple profanity.
Shin:
The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point
where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness
from the strained ankle begins.
Ski!:
A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill.
Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!"
(which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill).
Skier:
One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.
Stance:
Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms
straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands
forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a
little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be
quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Am I nuts or what?"
Thor:
The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.
Traverse:
To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.
Tree:
The other method.
Things you can get away with saying only at Christmas
1. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
2. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
3. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
4. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
5. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
6. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
7. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
8. You still have a little bit on your chin.
9. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
10. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
Heard on Leno, Dec 6, 2006:
Christmas is so different in Beverly Hills. Out here the old man who visits once
a year bringing gifts for the kids is the real dad. I was Christmas shopping
over the weekend, and I saw a Barbra Streisand CD called "Christmas Memories".
Isn't she Jewish? How many Christmas memories does she have?
Isn't that like buying William Hung's "hanukah sing-a-longs"?
Letterman's Top Ten Questions On The Macy's Department Store Santa Application, Dec 6, 2006:
10. Do you mind checking your gun at the door?
9. Have you ever been accused of hiding stolen goods in your beard?
8. Can you pretend to be jolly making $6.25 an hour?
7. Would your cheeks be red without the scotch?
6. Are you prepared to lie about our Playstation 3 availability?
5. Reindeer allergies?
4. Can you disarm a kid who comes at you with a sharpened candy cane?
3. Will your lap support today's obese children?
2. Do you own urine-proof pants?
1. Are you a cop?
Heard on Leno, Dec 8, 2006:
Today the Christmas tree at the White House blew over. It was leaning too far to the right.
Have you put up Christmas lights? People here in Beverly Hills get a
little crazy. My neighbor has a live nativity scene out on the front lawn.
Baby Jesus is being played by Gary Coleman.
Heard on Leno, Dec 11, 2006:
The Christmas tree at the White House fell over. Actually, it didn't
really fall. What happened was president Bush was standing next to it
when a photographer walked into the room and apparently the tree was
trying to distance himself from President Bush.
Heard on Jimmy Fallon, Nov 18, 2009:
We're celebrating NBC's Green Week here at Rockefeller Center. And what better
way to celebrate than by ripping a giant tree out of the ground, covering it
with lights, and leaving them on for a month?
Kimmel Kartoon - O'Reilly Factor and How The Grinch Stole Christmas, Nov 30, 2010: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apHIDcw9i_Q
Heard on Leno, Dec 6, 2010:
You have to be careful of political correctness this time of the year.
You can't call them "Santa's elves" anymore. They're "undocumented little people".
Heard on Conan, Dec 6, 2010:
The biggest winner on Black Friday was Costco. So kids can look forward to
running downstairs on Christmas morning to find a 12-gallon barrel of olives.
Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're Having A Bad Holiday Season, Dec 7, 2010:
10. Doctor removed 50 feet of Christmas lights from your intestines
9. Hottest YouTube video - a mall elf kicking you in the groin
8. At party, your friend Greg insisted on serving something called "Gregnog"
7. You keep getting frisked by TSA agents and you're not even at the airport! Can you imagine?
6. Department store Santa says, "I'm guessing you want an Ab Roller"
5. Still recovering from the salmonella you got from the undercooked Thanksgiving turkey
4. Wednesday: Employed; Thursday: Drunk at office party; Friday: Unemployed
3. Your job title is "President of the United States"
2. Charlie Sheen is passed out in your nativity scene
1. Willie Nelson smoked all of your frankincense
Heard on Letterman, Dec 7, 2010:
"A Charlie Brown Christmas" was just on. According to a recent poll, most Americans think Charlie Brown is a Muslim.
A Santa Claus had to be fired because he was making inappropriate jokes. Well, I can identify with that.
Heard on Kimmel, Dec 7, 2010:
Sarah Palin shot a reindeer on the last episode of her show. You don't
typically see politicians shooting reindeer to death two weeks before Christmas.
Heard on Leno, Dec 8, 2010:
The majority of women say they don't need presents, and they just look
forward to spending time with their mates on Christmas. Guys, it's a trick.
Heard on Letterman, Dec 8, 2010:
A man smuggled four snakes, two parrots, and a squirrel in his pants onto a plane. I think there was a partridge in a pear tree as well.
Sarah Palin shot and killed a reindeer on her reality show. And that was her Christmas special.
Heard on Kimmel, Dec 8, 2010:
The White House Christmas tree took four-and-a-half days to set up.
You know how much twine it takes to strap a pine tree to the top of Air Force One?
MTV has announced that they're putting Snooki from "Jersey Shore" in the
Times Square New Year's Eve ball. If the UFOs show up on New Year's Eve and
see us chanting for Snooki in an enormous mirrored orb, they'll probably
assume she's our queen, and they'll destroy our civilization.
Heard on Leno, Dec 10, 2010:
President Obama lit the national Christmas tree, a 40-foot Colorado spruce.
Republicans don't believe it's really from Colorado, and they want to see a birth certificate.
Letterman's Top Ten Least Popular Holiday Television Specials, Dec 10, 2010:
10. A Charlie Sheen Christmas
9. The Queasiest Elf
8. It's a Wonderful Life for Rich People Thanks to the Republicans
7. Santa's Got Gout
6. Mel Gibson's Rant-Filled Hanukkah
5. How the Grinch Stole Obama's Birth Certificate
4. Jack Frost Becomes Jaclyn Frost
3. Ben Bernanke's Pantsless Yuletide Jamboree
2. Larry King's "Which Holiday Do I Celebrate" Special
1. Brett Favre's Yule Log
Heard on Leno, Dec 16, 2010:
This Christmas season, the post office will handle 10 billion packages. They won't deliver them, they'll just handle them.
Here in New York City, the post office is so busy that they opened a second window.
Julian Assange was released from custody. It's a good thing, because he was behind on his holiday leaking.
Heard on Jimmy Fallon, Dec 16, 2009:
There's only a week left to finish your Christmas shopping. Or as most guys
look at it, "There's a whole week left to start my Christmas shopping."
The Obamas had their dog, Bo, sign their Christmas card this year with a paw print.
But Bo only agreed to do it after Obama agreed to extend the Bush-era treats policy.
Several TSA officers have formed a holiday choir at the Los Angeles
International Airport. Which, of course, answers the question,
How can going through airport security possibly get any worse?
Heard on Kimmel, Dec 16, 2009:
It's perfectly fine to get a co-worker a gift certificate for a full-body massage. It's not OK to start giving them one.
Ninety-nine percent of the eggnog purchased all year is purchased during the week before Christmas.
And 99 percent of that eggnog is poured down the drain during the week after Christmas.
Nog is short for No One is Going to drink it.
In Abu Dhabi, there's an $11 million Christmas tree. The prime minister of Abu
Dhabi said he hoped the tree would be a symbol that Abu Dhabi has a lot more
money than us. And that we're paying far too much for gas.
Heard on Leno, Dec 17, 2010:
I grew up in New England, and Christmas is different here in Los Angeles.
Last night, carolers came to my door. Which was nice, but then I realized they were lip-syncing.
Letterman's Top Ten Signs Your Mall Santa Is Overworked, Dec 17, 2010:
10. Instead of, "What do you want for Christmas?" Asks, "Where the hell am I?"
9. Calls every kid he meets "Ricky"
8. Constantly breaks down sobbing like John Boehner
7. Excuses himself to bathe in the fountain
6. Will only hear what you want if you go through a pat-down or full-body scan
5. Barricades himself under the escalator brandishing a sharpened candy cane
4. Angrily tells everyone, "You're getting a Waterpik"
3. Many times a day, mall security has to taser him
2. Asks every kid, "You're not Jewish, are you?"
1. Instead of milk and cookies, asks for Xanax
Heard on Leno, Dec 21, 2010:
A survey found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas
as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on
their wives once they find out about their mistresses.
Letterman's Top Ten Signs Top Ten Signs It's Christmas In New York, Dec 22, 2010:
10. Taxi drivers say, "Merry Christmas!" before giving you the finger
9. Potholes filled with delicious eggnog
8. Now when Trump evicts tenants, he's dressed as Santa
7. Caroling carjackers
6. Streets smell like mulled cider-scented urine
5. Muggers steal your wallet and leave behind polite holiday thank you note
4. Street vendors selling red and green hot dogs
3. Mayor Bloomberg mistaken for Santa's workshop elf
2. People on the subway yell, "I got your yule log right here"
1. Instead of being drunk on gin, Regis is drunk on eggnog
Heard on Letterman, Dec 22, 2010:
Sarah Palin is getting into the Christmas spirit. Today, she shot a partridge in a pear tree.
Heard on Ferguson, Dec 22, 2010:
Christmas is very special in Hollywood. When people wish you happy holidays in Los Angeles, 5 percent of them actually mean it.
A lot of people prefer Christmas shopping online, and I understand because I like to shop wearing nothing but my underpants.
I buy most of my gifts from Amazon. Not the website, the actual rain forest.
Christmas quotes, Dec 25, 2010: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/12/25/christmas-quotes-funny_n_801143.html
"Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural,
which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.' I suppose you could
say 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year,' but you probably have sh*t to do." - Jon Stewart, on Bill O'Reilly's objection to "Happy Holidays"
"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in
Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't
find three wise men and a virgin." - Jay Leno
"There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime.
Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink
alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them." - P.J. O'Rourke
"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband." - Joan Rivers
"Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live." - Dennis Miller
"That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me." - Jerry Seinfeld
"Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like, "Oh great, socks.
You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks!
They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?" - Jim Gaffigan
Heard on Leno, Dec 7, 2011:
Here in Los Angeles, it was so cold that Christmas shoppers here at the Wal-Mart pepper sprayed each other just to feel the burn.
Heard on Conan, Dec 7, 2011:
There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?
Heard on Leno, Dec 20, 2011:
As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas.
You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They're called relatives.
Heard on Fallon, Dec 20, 2011:
I heard that the Kardashian family just released a special 3-D Christmas card.
And this is nice -- the card even plays Kim's favorite Christmas song: "The 12 Days of Marriage."
Heard on Leno, Dec 20, 2012:
As we get closer to Christmas, these Christmas tree lots try to rip you off because they know you're desperate. They know you need a tree.
I was at a lot last night. I went to buy a tree. Needles sold separately. I couldn't believe it.
Heard on Ferguson, Dec 20, 2012:
I'm sure the new movies are good, but I'm upset there are no real Christmas movies.
Like "It's a Wonderful Life," where Jimmy Stewart finds himself in a world where no one can see him.
It's like nobody's aware of his existence. I know that feeling.
"It's a Wonderful Life" is the one where the angel earns his wings.
Because remember, kids, an angel without wings is like Tom Selleck without a moustache, or like "Two and a Half Men" without a cast member going crazy.
Instead of remaking an old Christmas movie, maybe Hollywood could make a sequel to a Christmas movie that people liked. Like that Tim Allen movie, "The Santa Clause."
There are people who'd love another one of those movies. By people, I mean Tim Allen.
Heard on Fallon, Dec 4, 2015:
Christmas is right around the corner, which means any day now, Donald Trump should be tweeting out an insult to Santa. "He's fat and old and he uses illegal laborers."
Heard on Corden, Dec 14, 2015:
We are kicking out "The 12 days of Christmas." It's too long! It's nonsense. I don't have all day.
What am I supposed to do with 11 pipers piping, let alone 12 drummers drumming? I'm not Florence and the machine.
Between the seven swans a swimming, six geese a-laying, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtledoves and the partridge in the pear tree,
you are giving me 23 different birds. Now I have to take care of 23 birds? I'm not a farmer.
I could have used the ladies dancing and the maids a-milking, but now I'm married, and honestly they're more trouble than they're worth.
Heard on Fallon, Dec 15, 2015:
They're saying that this could be one of the warmest Christmases in 30 years. Last Christmas, people left out milk and cookies for Santa.
This Christmas, people leave out a cool rag and a stick of Mitchum deodorant.
Last Christmas, Santa made a list of who's naughty or nice. This Christmas, Santa made a list of who has central air and who doesn't.
Last Christmas, you went to an ugly sweater party. This Christmas, you're going to an ugly, sweaty party.
Heard on Conan, Dec 15, 2015:
For Christmas, first lady Michelle Obama said both her daughters asked for money. Or, as Fox News reported it, "Obama Gives More Handouts to the Unemployed."
Heard on Colbert, Dec 15, 2015:
Bush has sent an email to his supporters promising that as an early Christmas present, if you give him $25,
you won't receive any more email requests for cash the rest of the year. It's a political strategy borrowed from the mob.
"Hey, this is a real nice inbox you got here. I would hate to see something happen to it, if you know what I'm saying.
Gimme $25, and that problem goes away. I'm Jeby the Knuckles, and I approved this message."
Heard on Colbert, Dec 18, 2015:
We are only a week away from Christmas. This is the time when we really begin to cherish our family and friends by rushing out to CVS.
To buy gift cards, and finding the only ones left are for Subway and Dick's Sporting Goods.
Merry Christmas, Nana! Enjoy your $5 footlong as you browse through warm-up pants.
Buy Nothing Christmas http://buynothingchristmas.org/ -- Now you can do
your Christmas shopping in no time at all.
Christmas Resistance http://www.xmasresistance.org/ -- Boycott Christmas! End compulsory consumption! --
No Shopping. No Presents. No Guilt!
World Buy Nothing Day http://www.ecoplan.org/ibnd/
UK Buy Nothing Day http://www.buynothingday.co.uk/
Denmark Buy Nothing Day http://www.bnd.dk/
FatWallet.Com internet deals http://fatwallet.com/
Coupons for on-line stores http://dealhunting.com/
Overstock name brands at clearance prices http://www.overstock.com
uBid auctions on brand name merchandise http://www.ubid.com
eBay http://www.ebay.com
eSnipe http://esnipe.com/ makes eBay bid for you at the last seconds of an auction
eBayersThatSuck http://ebayersthatsuck.com/ warns you about eBayers that suck
Weird eBay http://weirdebay.com/
The BBB Wise Giving Alliance http://www.give.org/ has a Charity Report Index to help you investigate before you donate.
Bid on US government property at Government Sales http://www.govsales.gov/
GuideStar http://www.guidestar.org/ has a national database of nonprofit organizations.
The Federal Citizen Information Center http://www.pueblo.gsa.gov/ has links to recalls and scams.
Take your consumer problems to Herb Denenberg's Dump http://www.denenbergsdump.org and check the http://thedenenbergreport.org/
Prada-obsessed Karyn Bosnak http://www.savekaryn.com/ brings panhandling to the web.
Just ask a woman ... http://www.justaskawoman.com/
(Or ask men http://askmen.com/)
Tips and advice boards for women http://ivillage.com/
When You Want It Done Right... http://doityourself.com/
TipKing http://www.tipking.com/ is the home of helpful, time saving, and thrifty tips.
The Tips Bank http://www.thetipsbank.com/
The Fabric Link http://www.fabriclink.com/ is The Educational Resource for Fabrics, Apparel, Home Furnishings, and Care.
a2z carpet http://www.a2zcarpet.com/ has tips on carpet care.
Momma said that there'd be days like this http://www.mommasaid.net/
Find the right gift at http://surprise.com/
Find unique gift suggestions at http://www.redenvelope.com/
Find unique gift ideas at http://findgifts.com/
I Want One Of Those http://iwantoneofthose.com/
Godiva chocolate always works http://godiva.com/
Octodog http://octodog.net/ has a frankfurter to octodog converter.
Greet middle age with a red hat at http://www.redhatsociety.com/ ...
... or with a pimp hat at http://pimphats.com/
Swear Bear is the original cursin' bear http://www.swearbear.com/
The knot has advice on spending your life-savings on your wedding http://www.theknot.com/
The Hometown Favorites http://www.hometownfavorites.com/ on-line grocery has your favorite foods from the 1950's.
Trade books at http://bookcrossing.com/
Bill's Antique Christmas Light Site http://www.oldchristmaslights.com/
Ugly Christmas Lights http://uglychristmaslights.com/
We Wish You A Tacky Christmas http://wewishyouatackychristmas.com/
Santalady's Custom "Olde World" Santa Dolls http://santalady.com/
Give the gift of plague domes http://www.plaguedomes.com/ specializing in biblical plague snowdomes and other fine spiritual disasters.
The real Santa A. Claus http://www.santa-a-claus.com/ Pennsylvania's Official Santa
Norad tracks Santa's flight during Christmas Eve http://www.noradsanta.org/
Visit the Island of Misfit Toys http://www.misfittoys.net/
Visit the Keebler Elves at http://www.keebler.com/
Stop Oppressive Gardening -- Free the Gnomes http://www.freethegnomes.com/
Where is my gnome? http://www.whereismygnome.com/
"Die screaming with sharp things in your head", a collection of impaled garden gnomes http://www.bifrost.com.au/hosting/gnomes/
A virtual snowglobe http://ww12.e-tractions.com/snowglobe/globe.htm
Send Poison Pen greeting cards http://www.poisonpen.com/ when you care enough to send the very worst.
The TSA's 12 Banned Items of Christmas http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luNfghUnvFg
The 12 STIs Of Christmas http://www.playingsafely.co.uk/12stisofchristmas/12-STIs.html
Infectious Ties http://www.iawareables.com/shopping/tiedisplay.htm
The ReemCo Ebola Virus Outbreak Action Playset http://www.reemco.com/toys/ebolaoutbreak.html lets you recreate the horrors of an Ebola outbreak. "Level 4 Breach! Level 4 Breach! The monkey's are free! The monkeys are free!"
Clear your sidewalks with a SoloTec car plow http://www.solotec.com/
Snow Rollers http://www.crh.noaa.gov/ilx/events/roller.htm
and http://www.oznet.ksu.edu/dp_wdl/snowroller1.asp
and http://www.snopes.com/photos/natural/snowrollers.asp
Play Snowball Fight http://www.elfmovie.com/swf/snowball_fight/index.html
Elf Yourself http://elfyourself.com/
The Festivus http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dS7-jcsB_WQ&feature=player_embedded
No Christmas For You http://www.illwillpress.com/xmas.html
Christmas MP3s http://www.freechristmasmp3.com
A Very Vegas Christmas http://clarksvegas.com/xmas/
This "Christmas City" in Pennsylvania Might Be the Most Festive in the Entire Country https://www.marthastewart.com/syndication/bethlehem-pennsylvania-most-festive-christmas-city
Damn it, I'm Vixen http://www.damnitimvixen.com/
Moses vs. Santa Claus. Epic Rap Battles Of History Season 2 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kRAKXFrYQ4&feature=player_embedded
Christmas songs http://www.intimateaudio.com/recordings.flog_yule_log.html
Carol of the Chins http://www.sundog.net/carolofthechins/flash/card.swf
Klingon Christmas Carol brought to the stage http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/8215826/Klingon-Christmas-Carol-brought-to-the-stage.html
Santa sings White Christmas http://www.aroundmd.com/whitechristmas/ and http://www.thecompassgroup.biz/merryxmas.swf
Dreaming of a White Christmas http://www.reuters.hu/card_dom/index_content.html
White Trash Xmas (flash movie) http://www.toonedin.com/movies/WhiteTrashXmas.html and http://www.andycouch.com/whitetrashxmas/
Linus and Lucy (Peanuts Theme) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eScnQm6SoUQ
Tesh.Com http://tesh.com/ has holiday music and a live Tesh Cam
Festive Mechanized Holiday Cat Accessories http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hn6k8y1A2s
Subversive cross stitch http://www.subversivecrossstitch.com/
Buy gifts for free (after the rebate) http://www.freeafterrebate.info/
Find free offers http://absurdlycool.com/
If you auction off bad gifts, they might end up at http://www.whowouldbuythat.com/
Recycle gifts at freecycle http://freecycle.org/ -- change the world one gift at a time.
What is your secret Christmas name? http://www.bbc.co.uk/derby/fun_stuff/christmas/santas_little_helper_names.shtml
Say Merry Christmas in many languages http://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/christmas.htm and http://www.holidays.net/christmas/voices.htm and http://www.lingolex.com/christmas.htm and http://www.translatum.gr/forum/index.php/topic,128.0.html and http://www.theholidayspot.com/newyear/wishes.htm
Continue with Jesus vs. Elvis jokes elvis.html
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